Complications, complications.

Thank you Thin Thrills, Christina, carousel, xXzapxfireXx, stillimagining, S., Sienna-Rose and haze, thank you so so so so so so so so so much for your comments last post, I would say that you can't understand how much they helped, affected and touched me but then I remembered that if anyone knew how I was feeling most of the time it would be you guys.
I was really unsure how you would all react to me saying I needed professional help; to me it felt like I was chucking my ED away and in your faces, I felt like I wasn't being strong and wasn't just dealing with it without professional help like so many of you do.

Afro ensured that I spoke to the school counsellor on Monday. In the morning I asked him to force me to go to her during lunch because other wise I knew I'd chicken out. There has been many a time when I'd promised myself I'd talk to her but never did. Afro literally walked me to the office, sat with me as I waited and then waited till I was sitting in her office before leaving. Then when I debriefed with him in the afternoon he said that he was proud of me. He also asked me to start filling him in once I start seeing the therapist outside of school. He also said that if the school counsellor doesn't get back to me with the therapists number that he'll take me back to see her next Monday to get it off her.
No words can explain how much I love him. He is the best friend any body could have and honestly, I love him with all my heart. We actually plan on moving to England together in a couple years time.

Anyway, I didn't really want to talk to the school counsellor, even though she's lovely she has let me down before when I needed help most. When my ED first started (without me initially realising) I thought that something was wrong so went to see her. I saw her for a while and then she just stopped scheduling appointments with me. My ED got worse and worse and worse and yet she still didn't make an appointment to see me. I thought it meant that I wasn't important enough or what I was going through wasn't serous enough which made me strive even further to... test and, well, I guess, destroy myself.
When I spoke to her Monday she said that she thought I would come to her when I was ready and she said that because she knows I'm a private person she thought I wouldn't open up to her and that she just wasn't sure whether to schedule appointments with me. Fair enough I guess. She did say that she had noticed when I'd lost tons of weight and so had other teachers. I asked her to try and find a counsellor in the area who specialises in EDs and who could see me for free. It's my last year of school so I don't want to be taking time out of lunch or classes to see the school counsellor and I would rather see someone who I didn't know as anything else (our school counsellor choreographs the school musicals, which i've been actively involved in and she also got me to apply for an acting program last year). my school counsellor also said that once she gives me the number I'll have to make a self refferal because she said that if she did it she'd feel obliged to tell my parents, which I don't want to happen. I like keeping things to myself. I like helping myself. I like being independent. I don't need help from others. I don't want help from others. Ha, yet I plan on getting counselling.
I don't know what I want to achieve from 'counselling' or whatever... I don't really want her to change my eating patterns, I just want her to change the hate that I have for myself sometimes and my... well, to me it sometimes feels like bi-polar behaviour, which i know it isn't. That's just my drama queen coming out.

Lately, I've been feeling like my ED has kind of... left me. Yes, I still restrict and yes I still have all the mental thoughts of an ED but I don't have the physical traits and I am definitely not restricting or exercising as much as I used to, I don't have the drive. As ridiculous as that sounds, it upsets me. It really does and I don't really know why... I want it back completely but it just doesn't seem to want me.

Now, on to different news. Dali. I like him still, I do but I am not the relationship type. I hate them, seriously I do. I don't know why that is either... I have an amazing relationship with my dad and my parents have a good relationship yet I hate intimacy and opening up to people... I'm just fucked up haha. So, today I tried to break up with Dali. I tried. I told him that I still like him but I don't want to go out with anyone and want to focus on my studies and whatnot. I tried to explain to him that he was the relationship type and that I'm not. I told him that he wants more from the relationship than I do but he just didn't seem to get it. He didn't understand. He asked if I just wanted to be' intimate friends'... what does that even mean?? *Sigh*, he said he'd give me space so that I can think about it more and that I need to keep him posted. Man he looked upset. Why is it that boys always like me more than I like them and want more from a relationship than I do? Why is it that every party I go to I have some guy flirting with me? Why is it that every time I talk to a guy that isn't one of my close friends they think they have a chance with me? Haven't any of them heard of being friends?
So.... rant over... but, what do you guys think? Should I break it off with Dali? I am so confused...
Sorry for the extra long post, I wasn't meaning to type so much but really needed to get it off of my chest.
I love you all to bits.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ps. S. That sounds like a marvelous idea.

Porcelain

I am so sorry to be so off and on on here at the moment but I am at a cross roads.
I feel so broken, I feel so damaged.
I feel that I don't deserve to live.
I failed my anorexia.
I always fail my lovely and faithful followers.
I fail the people I love and I fail my best friend Afro, the one I probably love the most of all.
I need your honest opinions here my lovelies, I am lost and need guidance.
Should I get help?
There have been many a time when I have wanted to and have always considered it but now I don't know if it's just a foolish dream/wish or a lapse in judgement or something that needs to happen.
I could never leave you guys though, I am always brought back and I don't think I will ever leave.
I just need that question answered.
I don't want to feel broken, disgusted, ugly, fat, stupid, putrid, unworthy and terrible anymore.
I want to love myself.
But I have accepted that to never happen.
Is it so hard to just want happiness?
The people that I have 'met' on here are honestly the loveliest and nicest people, why is it always the nice ones who are the most... hurt?
I don't know anymore.
I just don't know.




































help.

Absence

I am sorry for this short absence (three weeks, was it?) but I do have my reasons:

1. Blogger wasn't letting me log in for quite some time, it directed me to a page saying 'FAILURE' which freaked me out a little bit because I thought that meant I wasn't going to be able to post on here ever again haha.
2. Now this is the main reason. I find it hard for me to post on here when I have been a failure. I don't seem to have the control that I once did, I don't have the control that brought me down to the beautiful 46 kilos I once was. I want to post on here all the time, I really do, but I don't deserve it. I am a big fat massive failure who at the moment doesn't have anything positive to say.

I had a break down the other day, my first proper one for a while. I cried and cried over all the weight that I'd put back on (I'm not a crier). I fell to the floor and all. I screamed and shouted at myself and then, in a dream-like state I called the helpline and spoke to someone about it all. About everything I could think of and it helped. It helped to speak to someone but it still doesn't change the fact that I want to tear my hair out and just cut myself up into little pieces. I told Afro nearly everything. I love him and even though he understands he doesn't understand at the same time. How can he if he doesn't know how deep this runs and how bad I am mentally at the moment, it's the worst I've been for ages; heck I only just realised this for myself.

There are days when I want help but there is no one who can help me. I'm not being a massive drama queen, even though I'm good at it, but I have thought about it and there isn't anyone. Unless I wanted professional help but I don't have that kind of money. I don't care though. I've learnt that I have to live with this for the rest of my life and even though at times I hate that, I love it too.

What I loved most about being fully and completely in my anorexia was that I had goals and purpose. Now I'm a fat girl with anorexia trying to claw it's way back out and even though I'm letting it, no weight is being lost and no eating improvements are being made. Now I'm just lost.

I haven't seen any friends or been social or gone anywhere (apart from grocery shopping but that doesn't count) for the last 5-6 days and I don't mind. Wow, since when did I become depressing?

Hm. What a great first post of the year.

I love you all ever so much my darlings

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ps. I read all your previous comments and I love you all to bits. I hope your holiday seasons have been kind.

I've Just Stopped By To Say...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Once the seasons festivities are over for the next couple of days I will fill you in on the highs and lows of the last couple of days.

I hope you guys have an absolutely amazing time today with family and friends, be it eating a truck load, not eating at all or even just not caring about food intake. I hope that you get all you wish for and are surrounded by happy smiling faces.

Please remember that you are all beautiful and unique and also remember that you are human. No matter how hard we try we will never be perfect and you know what? That's ok. That's beautiful in itself.

I love you all and you deserve to be happy every day of the year, including this one.

Love you more than words can explain.

xxxxxxxx

ps. please visit: http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html

Welcome To Hangoveria.

Headache.
Ouch.
Bloated stomach.
Yuck.
Good night?
Yes.
I went to a party last night in the rain. The rain threatened to dampen the party but it didn't which is great. Two of my friends, sisters in fact, are going to Italy for a month so this was a farewell party.
I shared a bottle of Southern Comfort with Afro, it was 17 standard drinks. I get destroyed on 7 so he helped me look out for my drink intake because I can get absolutely smashed without realising and without intending too.
Last night was one of those moments. One standard drink too many.
I love Afro so so much. He helped me and tried to sober me up.
He is honestly one of my best friends, it honestly feels like sometimes he is the only once that truly cares about me.
If I was to just leave this planet right now who would really care? Who would really be affected apart from Afro, my family and if I'm lucky some of you guys?
Wow that sounds depressing and don't worry girls, I'm not in a depressed state, quite the opposite in fact.
It's just something I've been thinking about.
But girls, last night I did something silly.
Something so so so so silly.
I'm going to have to be a bit more careful on here I think... because Afro could be reading.
After saying that I bet you have guessed what I did.
I know I know I know.
The thing is, I don't really regret it.
Aaaah I don't know. My head hurts and my body feels funny.
Never again will I drink so much of Southern Comfort straight even though I enjoyed myself.
Sorry this post is a bit all over the place; there are two things I know for sure though:
1. I'm still too terribly fat and disgusting.
2. I need to lose weight.
Tomorrow won't help though, I'm house sitting for a week so am hosting a pool party tomorrow night. I'm going to be cooking lots and lots of food (I don't plan on consuming much of it) and there will be lots and lots of booze.
Fun.

Day fourteen: Do you ever allow yourself a “rest day” from exercise or a “cheat day” from your diet?

I don't really 'allow' it, it just happens. If that makes sense. I don't really have control over it.

Day fifteen: What is your favourite kind of exercise?

Dancing or walking. Something that's fun and doesn't necessarily feel like exercise. I'm also a fan of the Ab Circle Pro.

Day sixteen: Have you ever missed a work out just because you couldn’t be bothered?
Of course. Haven't we all?

Day seventeen: Have you ever been called fat? Or skinny?
I've been called chubby, I've been told I need to go on a diet and things like that but I've never been called fat. Yes, I've been called skinny.

Day eighteen: Do you have to eat any meals with your family? Are they for or against your diet?
Most of the time i have to eat dinner with them. They don't know anything about my 'diet' except for the fact that I'm vegetarian. My mum doesn't really approve of me being Vegetarian.

Day nineteen: Have you ever lied to avoid eating something?

Of course I have.

Love you all

xxxxxxxxxx

Hot Nights

This shall only be short and sweet.

The last two days have been bad intake wise. I haven't been counting calories and I've just been eating and eating and eating.

I don't know what it is.

It's weird.

I both hate it but couldn't care less.

I think it's only a phase in the cycle, so tomorrow should be better.

Hopefully next time I have something a bit more informative and poetic.

I don't know when I can post next due to it being Christmas time and I have quite a few parties this week.

You are all in my thoughts.

Love you all with the fire of a thousand suns.

xxxxx
ps. if you wish for me to check out your blog please leave a comment as my blogger has been a bit funny lately.

That's amore.

I sit here in the dark of my room even though it's midday, sinking in the array of pillows on my double bed  and with the scented oil in my oil burner burning away, filling the room thinking about how lucky I am to have you guys. I really am. You all give me a strong sense of belonging to this community and you guys help me in my darkest times, no matter how stupid I am being.


Christina: Darling, you do not know how much your comment helped me. I was feeling terrible, I was beating myself up mentally and I was just in a horrible state of mind but then I read your comment. Your advice helped me so much! It made me think properly and be realistic. Yes, the next day was a new day and it was a better one. You helped me see clearly and I can't thank you enough.


Clear Girl: Thank you, thank you.  I lit my oil burner and let the aroma fill the room and I made myself listen to your advice. You are right after all. Everything you said was spot on.


lottie x: I remembered how the binge made me feel, I savoured the hate that I had to ensure that it won't happen again. I know it will eventually but I think I've held off such an unhealthy binge for a while. You're right about it not being enough to gain over one singular day and I didn't :) Thank you oh so much for speaking reason.


Run: I don't know why 1200 seems like so much, yes 1200 is literally a big number but people are eating more than that every day. Why isn't that possible for us? You're right, it isn't too bad an intake.


JojoBaby: Thank you!! It's great to hear that I'm not the only one, I felt like I was the only one to binge at that time of the month so thank you for reassuring me. You are most definitely not a big my darling!!!!! Don't think that!! Thank you so much for your comment, your positivity and reasoning helped me a lot.


Judith Marie: Yes, these cycles of doing well then not doing well I guess are the curses that come with it all. The weeks when I do well I'm on such a high, I'm so proud of myself but then the weeks when I do badly I am in a horrid mental state. Fun. You're right, it's done. It's in the past now so there's no use worrying about it and you know what? I'm not anymore. Sure, the day after I was still annoyed with myself (and still full so that was good) but now I've completely moved on from it all.


Rachel: You're welcome and I love you. Thank you for posting it, that is so flattering and seriously means a lot to me. I could never express to you how much of an affect that had on me; to think that my words are being read by someone and to think that those words could affect that person enough for them to post it themselves for others to read? That's just so mind blowing and heart warming. I know what you mean, I am glad that I have someone to identify with and relate to!


Depressed Skinny Mess.: Thank you for the follow back and you're right, we will get there in the end. We are all determined and strong enough.


Bones: You are so so right. I thought that if I stopped posting for a while that it would be a punishment, a punishment that I would hate so much that I would stop binging so that I could get back on here but after reading your comment I realised how untrue that was. I would miss this too much, I would miss yo too much. You can hang in there darling, especially if I can. You're right, this is a group effort, we're in this together. We can all help each other feel better and do better. I'm here for you darling.


Ruby LoveBird: Aren't hang overs just lovely? Haha not. It would be so marvelous if we didn't have to eat ever again. That would help in so many ways... does that sound absolutely twisted and mental? You seriously don't know how much I love you, you were one of my first followers and I love you so so so so so so much. By the way! My email has stopped working so I can't check it at all, I am so sorry if you've been sending me emails and I haven't been replying. You are welcome for the comments I leave you, I love doing it haha.


Dying to be beautiful: "Do not stop posting, I repeat do not stop posting. If anything you will loose motivation, and eat more." That is some of the best advice I've recieved and it's oh so true. It means so much to me that you enjoy reading my blog and like to hear how my day went. You are so sweet.  Oh yay! Another 17 year old! I know what you mean, I watch my friends when they eat and wonder how they can eat what they do without worrying about calories and whatnot but then as I watch them I realise how jealous I am. Why can't we be like that? Thank you darling.


Dear Prudence: I know what you mean, I love the taste of food but I hate feeling it in my stomach, it makes me feel so uncomfortable. I've never had Mia call me and I think I am quite lucky because of that but there are definitely been times when I wish that she did. Thank you for your comment, everything you said helped me in many ways. I really appreciate it.


Kiwi: Thank you for believing in me. That's ok about the comments darling, I just love reading your blog. You are ever so welcome about my comments, to be honest, I love leaving them. You are just so lovely and I love reading your blog.


Olivia Lee: Thank you for your comment! I am seriously absolutely in love with your blog so to be getting a comment from you is lovely haha. Thank you darling, I am being strong, no matter how difficult it is. I love you too.


I am so happy right now. I am completely ecstatic. I tell you the reason for this? Reading through all of your comments and replying to you lovely women. I do not know where I'd be without you guys, you are all so lovely, sweet, kind, caring, amazing, funny, clever, smart, beautiful and fantastic. You are the best bunch of people that I have had the pleasure of 'meeting'. None of you deserve to go through what you do every day. None of you. To think how selfless you all are; not only have you got a lot to deal with but you also don't mind commenting on other peoples blogs and helping them in their times of need. You all just blow me away.
Starting this blog early 2010 I did not think that I would be here right now with 146 followers who are all as amazing as you. No matter how good I am with words I do not think I can type enough to show you all how much I care for you, if anything was to ever happen to any one of you I don't know what I would do.


I love you all so so so so much.
xxxxxxxxxxx


Day eleven: What are your family’s eating habits like?
My mum is currently on Light & Easy and is trying to lose weight. She's doing pretty well. She loves food and has a massive sweet tooth and is often the one to bring unhealthy food into the house. Because of her job she sometimes goes without eating lunch. My 13 year old brother is skinny and yet he eats like every second of the day. He eats healthily but he also eats bad food too but it doesn't seem to affect him at all; he is so much like my mother and has a big sweet tooth too, he would rather sweet over savoury. My dad and I are very very similar. He prefers savoury and rarely has dessert but if he's on holiday he will treat himself to some dessert or something of the sort. He absolutely loves cheese and he eats quite a lot. He eats healthily but his servings can be quite big... he is a tall man after all.
Day twelve: What are your friend’s eating habits like?
They eat a good amount of food and they have balanced diets. I envy their eating habits.
Day thirteen: Is your diet ever negatively influenced by your friends? Do they pressure/tempt you to eat unhealthy food?
You could say that I guess... they eat so much (well compared to me) and expect me to do the same when I'm around them. A 'normal' person would see that as a good thing but a person with an ED mind would not. They don't pressure me to eat unhealthily but they certainly to tempt me. If they're eating unhealthy food they often want me to join in and get suspicious if I don't.