Howling at the moon

My body feels battered and bruised on the inside emotionally. I don't know who I can count on in life at the moment. Everyone I have loved has at some stage moved away. Feel free to ignore this lonely girl just crying out into nothingness; like a wolf howling at the moon. I don't even fully understand myself at times. Just then I threw a perfectly good meal of fish, rice and salad over the fence because I'd already eaten my dinner: a rice cake with a teaspoon of avocado, a rice cake with a thimble full of light philadelphia and another rice cake with four slithers of banana. All under 150 calories. I'm damn proud of that though, the thought of eating what my dad prepared didn't even cross my mind. Ana is here for me when no one is physically. Thank you ana for caring for me.

I know that it wasn't long ago I posted

But I just... I just can't. I don't exactly know what it is I just can't, I just can't. Today I was meant to be in control of what I ate but nooooo I had to eat some of the muffin my parents brought me home and eat lotssssssssss of the lemon tart I made.
I just want to swear my bloody head of but I'm not the one to swear, I sound tacky. I am just so pissed of with myself. I do so well and then I just fail fail fail and keep on failing. I keep feeding the little monsters inside my belly.

Me part 1: I'm hungry
Me part 2: No you're not
part 1: Then what's this feeling inside my belly?
part 2: That's control and strength, hold onto it.
part 1: Ok. I will

~later on~

part 2: You failed. You fed those little clawing monsters

part 1: I know, I'm so sorry. I gave in. I know that if I keep doing this I'll become a big fat pudge

part 2: Tomorrow you're going to eat barely anything

part 1: Yes I know. I agree. I will

~later on~

part 1: You know what, I'm fairly skinny, I mean I'm 171.5 cm tall and weigh around 48-50 kilos

part 2: That's not good enough. Pull your head into gear you need to lose more more more

part 1: You're right. Again. Alright I will

But now it seems no how matter how hard I try I can't seem to lose much more. I hate this. I hate this cycle. FUCK IT! JUST LET ME LOSE THE WEIGHT I WANT! PLEASE STOP ME FROM BINGING! Ok, now I'm handing my body over to you. Just please get me there. I need to. Please.

**I am so sorry for the negativity of this post.

It's so out of character, especially the swearing.

But I desperately needed to vent**

Dear my body;

I hate you. I really do.

Thighs, please lose all unecessary baggage.

Butt, please unload all of the junk from your trunk.

Stomach, please oh please discard all of that fat that is so obviously there.

Body, please become as perfect as the bodies of the women that walk down the Victoria's Secret runways,

Or become as perfect as those bodies I see on thinspiration sites.

Body, please became one that would be seen on a thinspiration site.

That is all I have to say to you.

Become perfect.

Yours sincerely,

Anafly

xxx

On the road to skinny

There was always a part of me that liked my body and hated the other part of me that hated my body. Now that part has gone. All of me hates my body. I'm sick of it. Sick of it. Fat, just go away, make it easier for me. Or maybe food, maybe you could go away. Temptation go away. How about all of it go away: the fat, the temptation and the food. Yeah sounds like a plan.

Today I've already consumed a lot:

breakfast: piece of bread with nutella, 2 pieces of toast with avocado and tomato.

I blame it on holidays. Anyway that is all I plan on eating today until dinner and then I'll only consume a little bit. I will ignore all temptations. Then I will be back on track, I will be back on the horse riding under the sun on the road to skinny skinny skinny. But that's not all I want. As I travel this path to skinny skinny skinny I also want to gain attention, love and happiness. Even though I don't want people to notice what I'm doing to my body I also hope that eventually people will; but the fact that people may notice also scares me because I don't know what they'll do once they notice. It's all so confusing but now I don't care. I'm determined. My goal is set. That feeling in my stomach now, the feeling of being full, learn to hate it and steer clear from it.

A full stomach = a fat stomach, fat thighs, a fat butt.

Remember that now, that is vital information.

Hopefully the next couple of days are easier, much easier.

NO PIGGING OUT FOR ME!

You know what?

I'm actually sick of it. I'm sick of being told 'put on more weight, it's healthier' or 'you don't need to lose weight you're already so skinny' when there are bloody models skinnier than me, women in movies that I watch skinnier than me and even women in the street skinnier than me. So, can the whole world please decide on already what is the weight they want women to be? I know that's sexist, I know but you see my brain is thinking about this all in two ways. I love the days when Marilyn Monroe's body was thought as unbelievably hot and every women wanted to be a size 12, I adore the days when women with some fat in their bones were wanted for paintings. But then I don't mind if other people are like that, I kind of enjoy it, I just don't want that to be me. I want to be the skinny girl. So can society make up their mind? It seems that you have to be either super skinny or, well, to put it kindly, large when it's in 'fashion', never both at the same time. Can't we just simply have both? Can we have both and then neither of them get srutinized?

Love Anafly

xxx

Success is a beautiful word

So far I have managed it. After last nights binge today I have managed to control myself again. I've been sick lately so I slept in to 1 which meant I could go straight to eating lunch. So far today I have only consumed a snack pack of corn chips; they only have 3 ingredients and around 130 calories and they fill you up which is good. So thats all I've eaten so far and I'm planning on having sushi for dinner, which are incredibly low in calories. I'm vegetarian but occasionally eat fish because of my mothers orders. I plan on eating cooked tuna sushi rolls tonight which are like 23 calories each :D

Oh, I also had a cup of earl grey tea which has (drum roll please) no calories whatsoever! Now I want to part some wisdom on the wonders of tea. Most teas have no calories (I found out yesterday that twinings chai tea, which I adore, actually has 4 calories when I thought it had none. That made me a tad upset) anyway, as I was saying most teas have no calories which is so good because I find when I drink tea it fills me up quite a lot which saves me from snacking. It also tastes delish and makes me go to the toilet. I know that sounds gross but that means I'm flushing out all the things that my body doesn't need. That's all I have to say for the moment, I need to go study.

Love you all,
Anafly
xxx