Howling at the moon

My body feels battered and bruised on the inside emotionally. I don't know who I can count on in life at the moment. Everyone I have loved has at some stage moved away. Feel free to ignore this lonely girl just crying out into nothingness; like a wolf howling at the moon. I don't even fully understand myself at times. Just then I threw a perfectly good meal of fish, rice and salad over the fence because I'd already eaten my dinner: a rice cake with a teaspoon of avocado, a rice cake with a thimble full of light philadelphia and another rice cake with four slithers of banana. All under 150 calories. I'm damn proud of that though, the thought of eating what my dad prepared didn't even cross my mind. Ana is here for me when no one is physically. Thank you ana for caring for me.

I.Am.Back!

I have missed you all so so so so so much. I knew I would but I missed you a lot more than I originally thought. There were so many times that I wished to conact you guys but couldn't and there were so many times when I thought "I wish I could post that". I am so so jet-lagged, I've only been home for a couple of hours but I just had to let you know that I am now back. The whole time I was away my weight and my eating was a rollercoaster so there is much to tell and tomorrow I will sit down and write it all out. Prepare yourselves. There will be a lot. I'm so glad to be back, I'm going to now try and catch up on your blogs.

I love you all more than ever,

Anafly

xxx

Love Until We Bleed

I logged on this morning and did a double, then a triple take. 33 followers?!!?! Is this for real? Thanks so much everyone who is following me, I can't thank you enough. I know I've said this before but when I first started this blog I thought that I'd be lucky to get 10 followers, and now I've got more than triple that. Also thank you so so much to everyone who comments. Your comments are what push me along and make me try to be the best that I can be.

I haven't posted for a while because I haven't felt like I've had much to say. It turns out that the counsellor left a message with my mum asking her to ring her but because my mum's been so busy she hasn't had the time to. I feel like I've been lulled into a false sense of security.

Hmm, now to delve into my 'love' life. I think I'm weird. About six or so months ago I started going out with my first boyfriend. We went out for four and a bit months and then we mutually broke up but we're still friends. About two weeks after we broke up this guy, D, wrote me a song where some of the lyrics were 'only in my dreams I can kiss you' and stuff like that. He'd talk to me on facebook calling me beautiful but was too shy to talk in person. Then this other guy, A, liked me too and for a bit I liked him and we hooked up at a party he had. So, I had the choice in two guys. Then to make matters more difficult I was told that my best boy friend O (we call each other biffleys) also liked me. This was after being biffleys for three years. Three guys. Great -___- Long story short, in the end D turned out to be a bit of a creep, I lost feelings for A (but I feel like I led him on and two months on I still feel horrible) and then O and I started going out. To this day we've been going out for a month and a couple of days. But the thing is, I don't want a boyfriend. I'm simply not interested. I read your blogs and you guys say that you want boyfriends (if you don't already have them) and you want to be adored by a boy. Is it odd that I don't want to be? Is it odd that I feel at the moment I can't be mentally and physically with a boy? I just simply can not do it. Which leads to a complicated situation with O. I like him, I want to go out with him but just not now. I just can't do it but I don't know why. I read somewhere that Anorexia decreases your labido and that when people get Anorexia they push people away. Again, I don't know if I have Anorexia, but is that true? Baaaah it's just so confusing... Or maybe I just simply am not interested at the moment? Help? Haha.

So, currently I surpsisingly still weigh 47 kilos after such a disgusdtingly food orientated weekend with christas barbeques, birthday parties and farewells at Yum Cha. I'm trying to not concentrate on the past and concentrate on the future. But now I don't know how much I want to weigh, I don't know what my next goal should be. I don't want it to be anything too drastic but I need a weight that I can work towards. Any suggestions? Maybe 45 kilos?

Well that's embarassing...

I've somehow managed to follow myself... I don't even know how I did that?!?! Any suggestions on how to unfollow yourself?

Anyway I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record here but I am so truly thankful that you guys are following me, reading what I have to say and even better, commenting on my posts. I love you all. The other day I was thinking about how lonely this whole eating thing is and how no one I know understands but then I stopped and thought about you guys. You guys understand what I'm going through, you guys know that I just can't 'switch it off'. I knew that if I posted how I was feeling on here someone would read it and agree. So thank you. Thank you so so much.

Yesterdays eating was fantastic... until dinner. You see occasionally when I eat my family aren't around. They're busy getting ready in the morning while i have breakfast, they're not with me at school and sometimes I'm so hungry when I get home I eat dinner early before they get home. Last night though while my dad was in Melbourne I went out for dinner with my mum and my brother. I ordered a salad (minus the dressing) and when my mum gave me a dissaproiving look I also ordered a bread roll. That seemed fine but then my mum brought up how her high school friends daughter (who's a couple years older than me and has had anorexia for roughly two years) used to just have salad for dinner and this was an early sign of anorexia. I just said that I wasn't hungry after Zumba but they then forced me to order and eat a cheesecake in front of them claiming I needed to put on weight. Phhhhh. Liars. After eating 2/3 of it I complained of feeling 'sick' because they forced me to eat the cheesecake when I was already full. My mum was then just like 'We didn't force you to eat it'. Grrrrrr.

So anyway today I think I made up for that with a small bowl of Guardian cereal for breakfast, a mini wholemeal avocado roll for lunch and three mini potato, pring onion, dill and chive pancakes (and lots of tea and water).

I've been reading all your blogs religiously, you guys amaze me.

Love,

Anafly

xxx

Short and Sweet

Please control yourself. Stop shovelling so much food into your mouth.

But I can't stop.

I

Can't

Stop.

What happened to my control?

Why has this weekend been such a food involved one?

I hate it. I hate myself for eating so much that my stomach feels like it's about to explode and it is so visibly round. Why do I do this to myself?

I'm so stupid and so fat.

**Sorry for the short post, just needed to vent. Hopefully next time my post will be long and positive. Thanks so much for the comments too. Oh, I've been reading all your blogs (I adore them and you but haven't had time to comment. Sorry!) Also, welcome to the new followers. Thanks so much for following**

Thank you

It made me ever so happy to log in this evening to see that I had 5 followers. I know to some of you that seems like nothing but to me it means a lot; it shows me that what I'm writing connects with people and that I'm semi-appreciated so, thank you. I'd also especially like to thank Ruby Lovebird for her constant encouragement, you really are a wonderfully, fantastic, beautiful person.

Anyway, today has been a spectacularly crap day for me and food. As it's cold I've eaten too much. It almost felt like I had gone back to my old self, eating whenever I felt like it. I can't even face the scales. I'm too scared that I might see the dreadful 53 kilos that I once weighed not too long ago. Scales are very scary things. So this is why I haven't updated the above weight gizmoabob. I'll wait till tomorrow after I've gone for a long walk. It's odd to think that just the other day I was well controlled and filled with positivity.

Stay strong my lovely lovely followers

xxx