I have two pieces of good news:
1. I HAVE NOW REACHED 99 FOLLOWERS!!!! WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW! I never would have imagined having so many followers; I thank each and every one of you it truly means a lot to me. You have all helped me in some shape or form to become the person that is typing this today. I love you for it.
2. I NOW HAVE MY OWN PERSONAL LAPTOP!!!!
This means my posts will be more frequent as I won't be scared/nervous about when I access my blog because this is all MINE... which you probably all guessed haha. This also means no more slack blogging from me!!
My weight is still sucky and I really need to kick my sick/winter butt into gear.
This post can only be short as it's late at night and I should be studying for my Japanese test tomorrow....
I hope you're all well, please let me know how you are and I'll try and catch up on your blogs ASAP, once the last two days of this term are over and I'm on holidays :)
Please remember that you are all beautiful and I love every single part of you, even the parts of yourself that you dislike.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
I hate that word, I really do and failure is the reason that I haven't been on Blogger for ages.
I'm so so so so fat.
I was once 46 kilos, the lowest I'd ever been and my doctor told me to put on weight.
I got sick, it got colder and for some strange reason the next thing I know, I'm eight kilos heavier.
I don't know what it is.
I try to restrict, but at times I can't.
I'm still eating under 1000 calories a day, some days I'm eating around 500... but for me, that's too much.
I used to eat 360 a day.
I don't know what's happened.
I want ot get back to that 46 kilos. I don't feel like I deserve (for the lack of a better word) to be called Anorexic... at times I have bulimic tendencies but without the purging... I'm just a big fat failure.
I feel like I haven't deserved to post on here because of all this and that's why I've been putting it off. I knew that if I posted here I had to face the music and accept that I've become fat (even though according to my doctor I'm only almost in the healthy range or my height but I don't believe it).
My stomach is disgusting; I look at photos of me just from a couple of months ago where I was skinny, I actually looked like a stick.... but now I don't.
I've felt like I haven't deserved to post here and I've felt like I've let you all down. I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm in, any pointers? I really need it.
I love all of you so so so so so so so so so much and even though I haven't been posting, I've been thinking about you all every day.
I know that you can help me through this.
I love you all.