Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Second Star to the Right

**WARNING: This post is extra extra long as I'm going overseas in
three days and I'm scared I won't be on here for a month.
I'm leaving you guys with enough of me to last for that month haha.
You can read some now and come back later to read the rest if you so desire.**

First off, I came across this last night and it made me so so so so angry. I'm not saying I'm pro-ana, I don't really know what I am. I just want to provide help for those who have the condition. It's not like we choose this, it's not like we wish it on other people. These blogs are how we deal with this. But this person is just so... so ignorant. They don't seem to understand at all and are just so rude, so wrong. Gaaah it made me mad, have a read.

I then read this:
Reading this made me happy. This girl knew what it was all about unlike someone. If only everyone understood.
I thought you guys might like to read them both.

Anyway on the weekend (I know this was a while ago but I only felt like talking about it now) my friend S, who suffered from Anorexia at the beginning of the year but recovered, visited. My friends M and C had been with her for about 15 minutes already before my brother and I met up with them (I took my brother because he was bored and wanted something to do). As soon as I ran up and hugged S she straight away started talking about my weight and how 'skinny' I was. I kept trying to talk about her because I hadn't seen her in ages (the last time I saw her she was in hospital) but she kept talking about it and blowing it all out of proportion. I then knew what had happened. My friends M and C had talked to her about my eating without my permisson (M and C don't know everything, only a little bit and I've told them recently there's nothing to worry about). I had trusted C when I told her and I almost felt forced to tell M when I did. I regretted telling M instantly because she always makes it about herself. Anyway, so through the day S tried to force me to eat Maccas and Gelato which I refused. I was fine with my gum. Then as we were walking through the shopping centre I turned around to talk to the three of them but S wheeled me back around and said 'We're talking about you.'
Needless to say I felt extremely left out. These girls used to be my nearest and dearest. I just walked around with them for the rest of the day and didn't mention how I was feeling. Then when I got home I couldn't let it go because I didn't want it to ever happen again.
I texted C and told her to read the text to M because I knew they were together. I basically said that I didn't appreciate them telling S what they did (I still don't really know what was said) because it wasn't their buisness to tell. I wanted to be the one to tell S but only if I wanted to. I also said that they made me feel left out. The next time I saw C (which was the next day) she instantly apoligised and I forgave her.

Now, the reason I brought all this up. I went to a BBQ last night in the park and this is when M decided to apoligise to me. She was drunk when she pulled me aside and apoligised. I didn't say much but just forgave her. The conversation took a while because M kept apoligising and slurring her words. My friend K was waiting for the conversation to finish because we were walking home together. I've always been friends with K but we've become closer recently. I think next year we'll become even closer as M's moving to a new school (because basically, extremely long story short, she cheated on all her boyfriend's and had sex with nearly everyone, including people 8 years older than her and not many people like her) C is moving to the country and two of my other friend's are moving too. It's like all my close friend's who are girls are leaving me. But I really respect K and I do hope we become closer. She is so honest, genuine, down-to-earth, fun, artistic and understands people. I think she's just what I need. As we were walking home she asked why M was taking so long to talk to me and was wondering if M was blowing what she done to me out of proportion. All K knew was that M was apoligising to me about something. I basically told K what M and C did on the weekend but kept reffering to my anorexia as 'my secret'. She started guessing what my secret was and she said 'Are you Anorexic?' I was stunned. She had managed to guess what it was. I said no, then she guessed Bulimia. I said no and we talked about how we hate vomiting. Then she asked if it was a health issue and I said yes. She asked if it was recent and I said it started sometime this year. Then she didn't push the matter any further and just listened to me explaining how M and C had made me feel. It was such a breath of fresh air. She was so understanding and the fact that she guessed Anorexia first shows that she pays attention to other people and not herself all the time. I'm not so used to this, for example everytime I talk to M it's always about herself. So, yeah, I'm really happy that K and I have become closer.

Oh also on this night of the BBQ I talked to O. He was so understanding and gave me a choice. He said that when I get back from overseas we can try and give it a proper shot or just leave it and maybe pick it up another time. He's so sweet.

Now, do you guys remember A? I talked about him a bit in another post and how I felt like I led him on. I will briefly go through our history. At the beginning of the year on Australia Day (jan 26th) I hung out with him and some friends for the day. He was being all flirtatious and sweet and I instantly had a crush on him. I was then told by my friend who is also his that he was going to ask me out. Then the next thing I knew he was going out with this other girl. I was really hurt by that. Then 6 months later he was single and we flirted. We kept texting each other then I went to a party at his, we hooked up and then on another day I went to a boat party with him. After that I ran out of credit and couldn't text him and he didn't text me either. I then realised that I had him on fb but didn't want to send him a message because I wanted to see if he'd send me one. He didn't. Then O asked me out a couple of weeks later. I said yes. Then finally I got credit and texted A and told him. He was hurt but he wished me luck. Then two days ago I texted him again. The text read:

Hey I meant 2 say this ages ago but I 4got. I just wanna say sorry 4 how I treated u. It was really dog and i'm so so so sorry. I dunno what I was thinking. I hope you're well.

He texted me back last night, the night of the BBQ:
Thank you seriously never treat anyone like that

So I replied:

Yeah I know it was horrible i'm so sorry and this isn't an excuse but I didn't have credit 4 like a month so I couldn't txt u. I'm not trying 2 start anything here cos I really am sorry but we didn't keep in contact 4 a bit. 4 a part of it it was both our fault.

He hasn't texted back. I almost feel like texting him again saying how in that month or so we didn't talk he still didn't try to contact me and it wasn't just my fault, it takes two to tango. I also feel like bringing up what happened at the beginning of the year but I'm trying not to turn this into some massive thing even though I feel like he's putting all the blame onto me. *sigh* I feel like such a bitch :( Oh wells :(

So guys, I'm scared that this might be my last post until January the 15th when I get back. Hopefully I'll have access overseas to a computer but most likely I won't. There could be one in Bali or Thailand? But I'm not getting my hopes up. I have no idea how I'll manage to stay away from you guys for so long because I seriously love you all so so so so so so much. You guys mean so much to me. I hope everything goes well for you all. Ruby LoveBird don't worry, I'll still keep up the SGD.
Quickly here are my New Years resolution:
- Lose weight (get to 45 kilos)
- Don't put any weight on
- Excercise
- Don't be found out
- Be happy
- Be in the top of all my subjects
- Have fun
- Make new friends

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone!
Stay Safe!
Again, I love you all to bits! xxxxxx

Oh lastly, I've been reminiscing my child hood and remembered Peter Pan. I loved that movie and had a massive crush on him when I was little. If only I could have some of Tinkerbell's fairy dust and fly. To be so light would be lovely. Or maybe I could wish that I don't come back form over seas the size of a whale. They'd both be good.

And here's some thinspo to keep you guys going.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

To respond to all my lovely butterflies

Nate: I think I might have to agree. It's just going to take me a while to accept it. I'm planning on talking to O before the week is up. It's nice to have a guys point of view. Thanks so much for the support!

M: Just incase you didn't read my reply to your comment I'll type it again. I'm glad you understand the relationship thing. I weigh 47 kilos currently and am roughly 172 cms tall. I should probably check out my exact height sometime soon.

Ruby LoveBird: Yeah I get what you're saying and it's completely understandable to want that. SGD sounds good, we should try it.
My email address (now please don't laugh too much. I made it when I was 8) is .
To be honest i have no idea what I'm going to do once I reach 45 kilos. I haven't thought that far because I never thought that it would be possible. It's ok, you're not selfish. Besides, I want to stay here anyway. I don't want to leave. I'm scared that if I start eating like a 'normal person' that all the weight will simply pile back on.

^^^ so should we start?

Bella: Thank you for making me understand myself a bit better haha. I understand what you're saying and I get it.
Seeing pictures of you you are so light. You're a tiny thing you lucky duck :) I also completely understand the numbers sounding right and wrong. I only work towards numbers on the scales that sound good to me so I guess we can be weird together ;)
Aaaw thank you! I love you and have missed you too.

youareloved: I agree, that saying is definitely true. Thanks for the advice darling and I've thought long and hard about it. I now know what is best for me and what I need right now. Thank you.

Erin Rose: Thank you, thank you, thank you haha. You are truly welcome for all the comments. I love leaving you comments hoping that they make your day just that little bit better. I too hope that this whole counsellor thing settles down soon, it's keeping me on edge :P

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Love Until We Bleed

I logged on this morning and did a double, then a triple take. 33 followers?!!?! Is this for real? Thanks so much everyone who is following me, I can't thank you enough. I know I've said this before but when I first started this blog I thought that I'd be lucky to get 10 followers, and now I've got more than triple that. Also thank you so so much to everyone who comments. Your comments are what push me along and make me try to be the best that I can be.

I haven't posted for a while because I haven't felt like I've had much to say. It turns out that the counsellor left a message with my mum asking her to ring her but because my mum's been so busy she hasn't had the time to. I feel like I've been lulled into a false sense of security.

Hmm, now to delve into my 'love' life. I think I'm weird. About six or so months ago I started going out with my first boyfriend. We went out for four and a bit months and then we mutually broke up but we're still friends. About two weeks after we broke up this guy, D, wrote me a song where some of the lyrics were 'only in my dreams I can kiss you' and stuff like that. He'd talk to me on facebook calling me beautiful but was too shy to talk in person. Then this other guy, A, liked me too and for a bit I liked him and we hooked up at a party he had. So, I had the choice in two guys. Then to make matters more difficult I was told that my best boy friend O (we call each other biffleys) also liked me. This was after being biffleys for three years. Three guys. Great -___- Long story short, in the end D turned out to be a bit of a creep, I lost feelings for A (but I feel like I led him on and two months on I still feel horrible) and then O and I started going out. To this day we've been going out for a month and a couple of days. But the thing is, I don't want a boyfriend. I'm simply not interested. I read your blogs and you guys say that you want boyfriends (if you don't already have them) and you want to be adored by a boy. Is it odd that I don't want to be? Is it odd that I feel at the moment I can't be mentally and physically with a boy? I just simply can not do it. Which leads to a complicated situation with O. I like him, I want to go out with him but just not now. I just can't do it but I don't know why. I read somewhere that Anorexia decreases your labido and that when people get Anorexia they push people away. Again, I don't know if I have Anorexia, but is that true? Baaaah it's just so confusing... Or maybe I just simply am not interested at the moment? Help? Haha.

So, currently I surpsisingly still weigh 47 kilos after such a disgusdtingly food orientated weekend with christas barbeques, birthday parties and farewells at Yum Cha. I'm trying to not concentrate on the past and concentrate on the future. But now I don't know how much I want to weigh, I don't know what my next goal should be. I don't want it to be anything too drastic but I need a weight that I can work towards. Any suggestions? Maybe 45 kilos?

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Worst Combinations ever:

Early Christmas party
an all you can eat buffet.
I ate like a god damn cow.

I only ate a slight morsel for breakfast to make up for it today and when I go to a big Greek party tonight I will only eat a little bit. Anyway, Greeks aren't big on vegetarian food so win for me.

oh and the counsellor told me yesterday she'll ring my mum monday.
I'll let you guys know what goes down.
*fingers crossed all goes well*

Everyone's been talking about my weight lately... I'm starting to get riled. Anyway, thank you all so much for your support last post. I love you all so much, you guys are the only people I can tell everything too.
Love Anafly

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Shit shit shit shit shit

Oh my Anafly, oh how you have failed. I haven't failed in the sense that I've binged (well I have, I ate some cake that was offered today that sooooo won't fit in my 400 calories limit) but that's not what I'm talking about.
Ok, I made the stupid stupid stupid decision earlier this year to go see the school counsellor after my friend who had moved four hours away was hospitalised for anorexia (she's healthier than ever now). I told her that I had similar thought patterns to someone who was anorexic and that it scared me. She asked me to keep a food diary and I saw her nearly every week for about four months. Then I had all these excursions, I was busy and blah blah blah so I had to stop seeing her. Then she didn't make another booking with me and I realised that I didn't want to see her, I didn't want her to change anything. So today my year was going to the beach because we're graduting tomorrow (only year 10 mind you). I was in the office because I had to hand in my sign out sheet when I bumped into her. I was wearing one of my favourite dresses. It's floral and has boneing (I think that's what it's called?) at the rib cage, it's tight around the waist and has thin noddle straps. When I bumped into her she told me that the dress really showed off that I'd lost weight. Too much weight. She said that she hadn't had a session with me in ages (oh nuh, really?) and she could tell I'd lost weight. I just answered 'uuhm... maybe?' because I didn't know how to respond. This was meant to be a secret. Then she said the absolute worst thing she could ever ever EVER say.

I think I'm going to have to ring your mum.
I'll ring her today.
No no no no no no no no! I don't know if she did, she's always really busy and often doesn't have time. I don't know what to do if she has. I think I might just play it cool if my mum brings it up... Say something like "No? that's not why I saw here, I saw her because I was concerned about S." But I have a slight feeling that won't work. I think she might already be on to me. Borjfiorugryghiurghyirhgueo9ipsklkfj. I'm so sorry guys, just all that I had planned seems to be failing all at the same time. I have more to whine about but maybe I'll do it some other time? I'm just going to draw my anger away...

I love you all so so so so much,
Love Anafly

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you dream it, you can become it. Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.

First off, before i answer your questions I was curious as to if you guys have thinspiration playlists? I do. It's only short but it keeps me on track most of the time. Check them out. Also any thinspiration song suggestions?
My playlist is as follows:
Skinny Love - Bon Iver
Skinny Little Bitch - Hole
Anorexia - Gianmarco Leone
Someone I Once Knew - Dead Celebrity Status
Stand in the Rain - Superchick
Bother - Stone Sour
Damaged - Plumb
Imperfect - Stone Sour
She's Falling Apart - Lisa Loeb (my fave out of them all)
Paper Bag - Fiona Apple (listen to the lyrics, they're soooo thinspiring)

Peanut: Good question. It's tricky eating around my mum. I have to eat enough, or make it seem like I do, so that she doesn't pick up on it and order me to eat more but if I go for a second serve of something or on my bad days if I eat a lot of cookies around her a part of me still feels bad about it, I feel like she'll pick on me about it. Then another side of me feels very mischievous when I eat a lot around her and thinks 'If only she knew'. So I guess I have a combination of feelings. Also, thanks so much for the link! I shall watch it now.

Ruby Lovebird: I accidentally deleted the template you liked and now I can't find it :( but I've settled with this one for the moment. Yeah, the fact that that's how I was brought up my mum is also good thing. I guess one of the reasons my mum did that though was because she was living vicariously. I mean, she was very skinny but then once she had kids she never lost the weight so since she couldn't be skinny I guess she wanted me to? I think we should try sgd sometime :) It should be interesting... we've just got to figure out when.

Erin Rose: Aaaw I'm glad they have that affect on you! You seem like such a wonderous person and I enjoy reading your blogs, seeing what you have to say. Trust me, those comments are gonna keep on comin ;) Thank you for you compliment about my attitude, that means a lot. I'm glad you understand being heavier than all your friends when you were younger. I'm also not glad that you had to deal with that when you were younger if you know what I mean. Now to answer the question haha. I'm in fact 16. A question for everyone, do I come across as that age at all? How old did you guys think I was?

Night_Flower: Thank you so much for all the compliments! They are all very lovely, like you. Hmm... my favourite film... That's hard, I don't just have the one. I'll list a few but I can't think of them all now, I'm having a bit of a mind blank. Quite a few of you might not know them so sorry!
Philadelphia Story and High Society (High Society was the musical remake)
A Stolen Life
My One and Only
Absolutely all Johnny Depp movies. Especially Cry Baby, Sweeney Todd, Secret Window, Chocolat and Ed Wood. I love him.
The Harry Potter series
Any movie with Cary Grant
uuuum... I can't think of any others for the moment. I'm sure i'll think of more later

Nathaniac: Yeah, it did turn out to be a great encouragement to lose weight, so win for me! Haha. These Christmas holidays are going to be really good! (spiel alert) Most of my family, my father's side, lives in England and we haven't seen most of them for four years. So on the 19th of December we're flying to Bangkok for three days to avoid a 24 hour flight. We'll then fly to England and stay there for two weeks. On Christmas and Boxing Day we'll be having a family chirstmas with tons of food and about nine of us. Within those two weeks we're gonna travel to Belgium for the day because that's where my auntie and younger cousin live. At the end of the two weeks we'll fly to Bali and stay there for one week to relax and unwind. Don't get the wrong idea folks, we're not rich, we're just spending money we don't have. But I need all of your help. I have no idea how I'm going to keep my weight under control when I'm in different countries with magnificent food and great culture. The main problem is that I'll be with my parents and my brother practically 24/7 and I'll be with my extended family on Christmas and Boxing Day. I know there will be food I'll be forced to eat. Any suggestions? I also won't be able to weigh myself at all which will be horibble. I don't want to get back and have put on five kilos!

I love all my beautiful, darling, gorgeous, kind, caring and fabulous butterflies. What would I do without you all?
Love Anafly

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The taste of chocolate will last for a minute but the memories of a perfect body will last a lifetime.

Ok first to reply to your lovely, lovely comments.

Ivy: Even though that toffee muffin sounds delicious (but also disgustingly poisonous) isn't horrible being forced to eat in front of people? We don't have to prove anything to anyone but yet, we do. Can't people just mind their own buisness? I never thought I'd be skinny enough to start worrying about what I wear as to not give anything away, but I guess I'm going to have to start thinking about it.

Night_Flower: It was awkward haha, those kind of situations are horrible. I agree, it was quite harsh of my mother and I didn't think she had the right to say that... but now that I look back at it from her point of view, I guess she's just trying to look out for me? But this isn't something I want her to look out for.

Jennie: Haha yeah I guess that's what mum's are for... even if that's not we want. Thank you :) I welcome these hipbones :P

Peanut: I agree. I find it flattering when people comment on my weight, no ones commented on my weight loss for a while so I don't often find it annoying when they talk about it, I feel reassured. But I do find it extremely annoying when my family talks about it. That's because they're the people I live with and they are the ones who have the biggest chance at stopping what's going on. Yeah I wish they knew I was looking out for myself but obviously I can't tell them anything. Haha yeah here's hoping they'll get used to it soon. Tiny boobs are the stupidest things ever! They make strapless dresses and bikinis look... not right. Yeah we have target here so, the hunt is on for those things! Haha.

Erin Rose: Hmm... did you like the fact that your mum lied about it? Or would you have rathered she told the truth? I am extremely pale too! I used to have quite a lot of colour in my skin but then I went through this 'I want to be pale phase'. I've now decided to get back my colour because I think I was too pale before (health wise). I'm sure you don't look like a whale!

Ruby Lovebird: I've missed you! Haha it feels like you haven't been around for a while, or maybe I'm just crazy. I love that pink bikini too. As soon as I saw the picture I was practically droooooooling. Thank you, I like to see myself as quite a patient person (at times). I adore you more!

Ok, now to get down to what I really wanted to say. Reading Ruby Lovebird's comment on my last post got me thinking. When she said "I bet your mum would prefer a graceful little girl rather than a big lumpy sow" I thought, yes. Yes she would. I have proof. I love my mum, she's been through so much in her life and she really is a terrific person but I know she would rather me a skinny minny. Firstly you need to know that when I was a youngin' I was a very chubby girl and at times I was quite a big one until I lost all of my puppy fat when I was roughly 13? Anyway, I remember when I was in year 4 (I must have been 10?) my parent's, my brother and I were on holidays and had spent the day on the beach. Once we had all piled in the car my mother looked at me straight in the eyes, placed her hand on my leg and said "Once we get back home this whole families going on a diet." I then started crying. I knew what she meant even at that age. She was calling me fat and I didn't like it. My dad gave her a look as if to say "What are you doing?" That's all I remember of that memory.

I remember when I was in year 6 (12) we had gone to England for Christmas to visit my dad's side of the family. We were getting photos taken with my cousin, Auntie and Grandma as a Christmas present for my Grandma. As we were getting ready for the photo of us all my mum said to me "Hold in your stomach when the photos are being taken." I didn't react to that and I did as she asked, but I can't remember how that made me feel. I don't think this was one the same day but I remember when I was in my Grandma's bathroom I saw her scales. Our scales at home were never out so I decided to weigh myself. I was probably 155cm tall and the scales read 53 scales. I knew that a lot of my friends at school weighed roughly 48 kilos. I don't remember how I felt, I think I wasn't too happy with that.

One of my final, and earliest memory, of me and my weight was when I was in year 2 (aged 7 or 8) and my best friend at the time (who was I guess a bit of a bully, she was the one everyone followed) was talking about a girl in the year below saying how fat she was. She then looked at me and said "Don't worry, you're just big boned." I agreed with her, "Yeah, I'm just big boned," I said.
I was too young to really understand what was being said and I don't think I saw why there was a problem with being fat. I don't think she really did either.

Wow, reading back I have to let you know that I was a very happy child. I sometimes cried at the drop of a hat but I was very optimistic and had a sunny disposition. That's the same now, I'm positive and optimistic unless it's to do with my weight. So yeah, I hope that all that information gets you guys to maybe understand me better? Because I don't.
I love all my butterflies,

ps. If you guys want to ask me any questions, any at all, please do and I'll answer next post :)

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I'll try and keep this short and... well, sort of sweet

Thank you Erin Rose, Ivy, Peanut and Nate for your lovely comments and support on my last post (sorry I havent really figured out how to link names). I don't think I can fully accept that I do or might have anorexia right now but maybe I'll be able to accept it over time. I'm not going to turn it away, I'm almost welcoming it, but I'm determined to stay in control of it and not let it ruin me like it has to other people. Peanut I'm so glad that you see a likeness in us! Haha reading that made me very happy, I have another good friend on here :D

Anyway today seemed to be a 'let's all talk and make comments about Anafly's weight' day. I put on this clingy, long sleeved dress on today and my mum said 'Have you lost weight? I can see your hipbones through the dress.'
To which I replied 'they've always been like that'
She then said 'yeah but not so prominent.'
I let that slide but then later on in the day a family friend paid us a random visit before we were going to go out and we started talking about how I do Zumba twice a week at the local gym and go on our newly purchased ab-circle-pro nearly every day. My mum then brought up how I had lost weight. I didn't think it was noticeable? I mean I only sort of believed what the scales were telling me but didn't think others could pick up on it. They all said I needed to eat more. I felt like telling them all to shut up. Couldn't they see the fat? My weight wasn't any of their buisness and wasn't something to openly discuss, but I kept quiet. Then my family friend talked to us about how 40 years ago she worked in the anorexics ward at a hospital and talked about how sneaky they were with hiding weights in their robes when they were to be weighed etc. and then my mum brought up how her friend's daughter was/is anorexic... oh man it was tiring listening to them and trying not to correct them or to tell them to stop talking about it. I really didn't like it. It almost felt like they were close on my trail and they didn't really understand.

After our family friend left we went out christmas shopping. I bought myself two new pairs of swimmers which I desperately needed as I have none. I hate swimmers. I mean, I sort of have on alright figure... wich could be sooooo much better... but you need to have boobs to wear a bikini really well, which I barely have. Oh you also need fatless thighs. And a fatless stomach. After we went for some lunch and I was reading everything on the menu when I just said 'What, that's so stupid, all the salads have meat in them!'
My mum was just then like 'Well you're not allowed to have a salad, order something else.'
It may sound so silly and petty but that made me angry and it didn't help that I've been getting crappy nights sleep. After seeing myself in bikinis I wanted a light, low calorie meal. I settled with prawns and vegetable stir-fry with a tiny bit of basmati rice.

Sorry my beautiful butterflies if this post was a bit bland or... agro? But I knew you guys would understand.
Love you all,

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Little Lovers So Polite

So, formal night went really really well. I had only a few, slight hiccups. My dress kept on falling. It didn't fit at all, it was practically 2 sizes too big and because of the shape and design of it I couldn't safety pin it (thanks for the suggestions Erin Rose and Jennie anyway) so all I could do was try and sticky tape myself in it -____- the tape kept coming out during the night so whenever I danced I had to hold onto the top of it (it was strapless) but I got a lot of comments on how nice it looked and also how skinny I was. So, I guess that's good? It shows that I've lost weight? Also, I ate aaaaall the food that was put in front of me. It was just so good! And because I was talking and the servings were small I didn't really notice. But I'm not going to beat myself up about it I'll just have to improve this week. Resist temptations.

Anyway, I don't know if you know or not but this whole year I've been saying that I don't have anorexia... I mean, it doesn't seem like something that would happen to me. It seems like one of those things that happens to other people. You know what I mean? Anyway, I checked out the signs for anorexia...

  1. Sudden and severe weight loss - maybe?
  2. Obsessing about food, weight and/or appearance. People with anorexia can often tell you how many calories are in a wide number of foods. They may way themselves several times a day. They often believe they are fat when they are severely underweight. - check, check, check, check, check, check
  3. Preoccupation with food. In addition to knowing calories in foods anorexic people may cook for others, collect recipes and so on. They don't often eat what they make. - cheeeeck
  4. Withdrawal from social situations especially those involving food. - semi-check
  5. Lying about their weight and how much they eat. People with anorexia may pretend to eat to avoid confrontations about their condition. They may also insist they are not hungry even if it's been a while since their last meal. - *sigh* check, check and check
  6. Strange eating habits. - soooort of
  7. Health problems. This includes weakness, dizziness and lethargy. - mmyeaaah but as if it's because of anorexia
  8. Abusing diet pills and/or laxatives. - nope
  9. Vomiting after eating. This is actually a sign of bulimia but it occasionally comes along with anorexia. - noooooooooo
  10. Exercising excessively. - sort of

So... what does this mean? Help? Am I just in denial or...? I just don't know...

Love you all,



Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I'm back on my horse

Thank you thank you thank you for all your beautiful, kind and inspiring comments on my last post. Your comments made me pull on through my negativity and my 'crisis' and to try and make the next day a better one. Even though I've eaten a bit more than I would have liked I've been doing quite a lot of excercise. I love you guys so so much. Like seriously, words can not describe it. You guys are here for me and understand what I'm going through when other people don't. Again, I'm sorry for the little 'melt down', I wasn't in a very good place...

But I have managed to bite back! Checking the scales when I woke up this morning I was 46.5 kilos (aaaaah-maaaaa-zing!) but I don't believe it and don't want to push my luck so I won't be changing the weight gizmo up above just in case...

Ruby Lovebird, I was following you! I swear! Haha, your latest blog posts always turned up in my blogs news feed... maybe my computer malfunctioned and unfollowed you? Nevertheless, I'm following you now :)

I have my formal tomorrow night. I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo excited except my dress (which I bought mid-year in Winter) doesn't fit me anymore... It's a bit too big. This is a really good thing but also a terribly bad thing. My mum went all crazy and said that if I wanted to buy a new dress I should have done so sooner and not a day before the formal. Which I should have, but she told me the dress looked fine so thats why I didn't. Oh well. I'll just have to deal with it. I hate wearing things that don't fit. Oh also my size 8 (american size 4) jeans which have never really fit me properly are so big now around the hip and the upper thigh that I can't really wear them anymore. I now need to wear size 6 (american size 2) jeans. This is a pretty big step. My top half has been a size 6 for a while and I wear dresses that are size 6 but my bottom half is bigger because of my thighs and my big bootay. Wait! Does anyone have any suggestions? It's a three course meal at the formal (greek salad, vegetarian risotto and a chocolate self-saucing pudding) and I'm going to be eating in front of all my friends and the glasses are see through (so no chewing and spitting in there) how can I not eat it all with out people bringing it up?

Anyway this post was meant to only be me checking in but once I started I didn't stop. Good luck girlies, I'll check in after formal and let you know how it went.
Love you all,

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I know that it wasn't long ago I posted

But I just... I just can't. I don't exactly know what it is I just can't, I just can't. Today I was meant to be in control of what I ate but nooooo I had to eat some of the muffin my parents brought me home and eat lotssssssssss of the lemon tart I made.
I just want to swear my bloody head of but I'm not the one to swear, I sound tacky. I am just so pissed of with myself. I do so well and then I just fail fail fail and keep on failing. I keep feeding the little monsters inside my belly.

Me part 1: I'm hungry
Me part 2: No you're not
part 1: Then what's this feeling inside my belly?
part 2: That's control and strength, hold onto it.
part 1: Ok. I will

~later on~

part 2: You failed. You fed those little clawing monsters
part 1: I know, I'm so sorry. I gave in. I know that if I keep doing this I'll become a big fat pudge
part 2: Tomorrow you're going to eat barely anything
part 1: Yes I know. I agree. I will

~later on~

part 1: You know what, I'm fairly skinny, I mean I'm 171.5 cm tall and weigh around 48-50 kilos
part 2: That's not good enough. Pull your head into gear you need to lose more more more
part 1: You're right. Again. Alright I will

But now it seems no how matter how hard I try I can't seem to lose much more. I hate this. I hate this cycle. FUCK IT! JUST LET ME LOSE THE WEIGHT I WANT! PLEASE STOP ME FROM BINGING! Ok, now I'm handing my body over to you. Just please get me there. I need to. Please.

**I am so sorry for the negativity of this post.
It's so out of character, especially the swearing.
But I desperately needed to vent**

It's ironic that as I type this I'm searching for a recipe of lemon tart that I used to make my family

And I will be making two today. One for my mum to take with her when she goes to a BBQ with old high school friends and one for my brother and I while I babysit. I'm also going to make him and I for dinner a polenta savoury pancake with guacamole from the vegetarian recipe book. Don't worry, I'm going to make sure that the rest of my days intake is low. I've only had one weetbix with a bit of banana for breakfast and I plan on having a small piece of lemon tart for lunch and one healthy pancake with guacamole for dinner. It's my weekend, please let me have a bit of fun with my food.

Oh, I also bought another cook book yesterday. For those of you who are Australian I bought Poh Ling Yeow's cook book, the runner up of last years Masterchef. It really is amazing. I love her and the food she creates. Not that I've eaten any of it, it just looks good in the book and on her TV show.

I bought Wintergirls yesterday too and finished reading it yesterday as well. It. Is. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. I'm not the kind of person who admits to crying, heck, I barely remember the last time I cried, but when I read Wintergirls tears were slowly edging down my face. I'm not sure if that's because I could relate to how she thought of herself or because it was an emotional book. Well it would have been because of both of those things. I thought that maybe after I read the book it would change how I thought of myself (I was scared of that). Lucky for me (and also unlucky for me I guess) it didn't. Anyway, I recommend reading it if you haven't already.

I'm also pleased to inform you that I went to see Harry Potter again last night but with my brother and my dad (Harry Potter's always been mine and my dads little bonding thing). I ate a small dinner before we left and even though I was given a free Honeycomb milk drink, was offered anything from the food court from my dad and my brother had bought a pack of pods for the movie I managed to only consume one single pod while being out. I'm pretty impressed.

Hmm sorry that this posts a bit... nothing but they were just some things I really wanted to inform you guys on.
Good luck my butterflies

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Well that's embarassing...

I've somehow managed to follow myself... I don't even know how I did that?!?! Any suggestions on how to unfollow yourself?

Anyway I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record here but I am so truly thankful that you guys are following me, reading what I have to say and even better, commenting on my posts. I love you all. The other day I was thinking about how lonely this whole eating thing is and how no one I know understands but then I stopped and thought about you guys. You guys understand what I'm going through, you guys know that I just can't 'switch it off'. I knew that if I posted how I was feeling on here someone would read it and agree. So thank you. Thank you so so much.

Yesterdays eating was fantastic... until dinner. You see occasionally when I eat my family aren't around. They're busy getting ready in the morning while i have breakfast, they're not with me at school and sometimes I'm so hungry when I get home I eat dinner early before they get home. Last night though while my dad was in Melbourne I went out for dinner with my mum and my brother. I ordered a salad (minus the dressing) and when my mum gave me a dissaproiving look I also ordered a bread roll. That seemed fine but then my mum brought up how her high school friends daughter (who's a couple years older than me and has had anorexia for roughly two years) used to just have salad for dinner and this was an early sign of anorexia. I just said that I wasn't hungry after Zumba but they then forced me to order and eat a cheesecake in front of them claiming I needed to put on weight. Phhhhh. Liars. After eating 2/3 of it I complained of feeling 'sick' because they forced me to eat the cheesecake when I was already full. My mum was then just like 'We didn't force you to eat it'. Grrrrrr.

So anyway today I think I made up for that with a small bowl of Guardian cereal for breakfast, a mini wholemeal avocado roll for lunch and three mini potato, pring onion, dill and chive pancakes (and lots of tea and water).

I've been reading all your blogs religiously, you guys amaze me.

Monday, November 22, 2010

I write to you with a belly full of tea...

First things first, I am so so so so sooooooo happy to see that my number of followers has finally hit double digits! Haha party time! May sound lame but this is a big deal for me. When I started this blog I expected like a grand total of two. This has made me one happy little vegemite.
Anyway, to fill you guys in on the goings on of my life... *cue dramatic music*
I went to the midnight screening of Harry Potter on Wednesday *squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal*. It was amazing, I don't want to give anything away though. It's going to be so sad when it's all over, I grew up with it.
Alas, the Harry Potter screening didn't bring only good. My friends and I went to Woolworths before hand and managed to buy a pack of 12 snack size Caramello Koalas and a biiiiig bag of lollies. As I watched the movie I managed to consume six, SIX caramello koalas and a handful of lollies. Trust me, I'll try to never do that again. Of course this gave me the body blues.
Before I went to Zumba on Thursday my dinner conisted of a vegetaraian summer roll (65 calories) and an avocado roll (roughly 135 calories or something). When I got back from Zumba my mumma asked if I was hungry to which I replied no. Then my brother decided to open his big mouth (don't get me wrong, I love him to bits) and say "You don't eat enough." I maanged to act offended and my mum didn't think much of it. But as if he would notice? I mean, how would he notice? Anyway, he eats quite a lot compared to me. He is a growing boy after all.
Then on Friday I went to my friend's birthday party. I accidentally got smashed (I somehow kept ending up with drinks in my hands) and I casn barely remember what I did for 10 minutes of the night. Apparently I talked to a few people about weight, but I don't remember what I said. I remember talking to my friend I about my perception of myself and my weight briefly, I don't remember what I said yet again but enough for her to get a bit concerned. I also apparently said to another friend "I've put five kilos on my arms"... Lucky mostly everyone I spoke to were quite drunk themselves. I'll try and do some damage control. Moral of this story? Don't get so smashed and keep your mouth shut.

Anywho, I will part you with some wisdom that I have accumulated over the past couple of days. Sorry if you know any of this but I thought it would be useful.
  • From a test out of protein, fat and carbohydrates it has been proven that protein makes you fuller for longer which means you are also less likely to snack. Eating protein for breakfast it a great way to last till your next meal.

  • If you serve yourself a smaller serving you are bound to eat less.

  • Drinking water before a meal doesn't neccesarily make you eat less but if you combine water with food, aka soup, you will be fuller for longer and more satisfied.

  • If include low fat calcium everyday in your diet you will excretes a lot more fat, the fat your body doesn't need.

I hope this has all helped! Sorry I didn't go into much detail.

Love you all,



Saturday, November 20, 2010

Short and Sweet

Please control yourself. Stop shovelling so much food into your mouth.
But I can't stop.
What happened to my control?
Why has this weekend been such a food involved one?
I hate it. I hate myself for eating so much that my stomach feels like it's about to explode and it is so visibly round. Why do I do this to myself?
I'm so stupid and so fat.
**Sorry for the short post, just needed to vent. Hopefully next time my post will be long and positive. Thanks so much for the comments too. Oh, I've been reading all your blogs (I adore them and you but haven't had time to comment. Sorry!) Also, welcome to the new followers. Thanks so much for following**

Monday, November 15, 2010

Stars and Moons

I really need to apologise for my spelling in all my posts :/ I get too eager to post my posts that I don't go over them and check so my apologies. I don't like bad spelling.
Anywaaaaaay as I stated in my other post my mum saw a psychic yesterday. She came into the house saying "Oh B, you're not going to like what she has to say about you." I started freaking out. I didn't know if psychics could pick up on eating disorders or whatever. I know it sounds silly now but I was sitting there trying to keep calm. What it ended up being was that my passed away grandparents thought that I should start helping around the house more (I already help out a lot) so that I can become more independent because apparently I won't be living with my family during uni. Phew. I was actually very relieved haha. The psychic also said that I was like my father and we were both good at English (what about art and design? I do go to an art and design school after all...) and she said that when I'm a bit older I'll be working at a magazine like Woman's Day or something, which is one of my dreams :D
She also said that through my whole life I'll keep men at bay because I'm just not interested and will have only 2 or 3 serious relationships. She said that around the age of 26 she sees me in a white dress but she's not sure if that meant marriage. She also said that I'll be very focused on my job and will need to have more fun. Oh! She also said that I might have 2 or 3 modelling jobs. Fingers crossed this all happens hehe. Isn't that all exciting? Before I was such a cynic but my mum came home with some spot on stuff about us all.
The psychic didn't say anything about my health to my mum though. I don't know what this means. Does this mean I can keep this a secret? Sorry that this post doesn't have much to do with my eating...

There's something I really need help with but I'll do it next post, I simple don't have the energy to do it now.

I love all of you beautifull people with loving souls.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Blabber mouth

Uh I have so much to say but if only I could remember it all. The past week I've been going "Ooooh, I really need to put that on my blog!" but then I never have time to do it. So, please read patiently as I try to remember everything.

First off: Boobs. Yes, boobs. I am sooooo sick of my tiny little ones (they don't really fill a B cup). Does this whole eating situation stop them from growing? Or am I just a late bloomer? Is there anyway to make them grow bigger? Answers to those questions would be greatly appreciated :)

I bought a vegetarian cook book yesterday! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D it has really really good recipes and says what vegetarians should be including in their diet. I've been lustfully flicking through the pages and when I reach the desserts find myself thinking "Oh yuuuuuum, but that's something I can't be eating little miss 400 calories." You see I have now limited my daily intake to 400 calories and I don't want that all to be gone in one little dessert. I've found the 400 calories mark so so. It started off really tricky but because I've been working myself down to this point it's manageable; I'll stay at this point though.

Today I visited a family friends in Hospital (we practically count her and her family as our family). It's an unusual situation why she's in hospital but I won't go into detail. Anyway, this involved eating some 'get well soon' cake to please her 5 year old daughter who made it. It was really nice but next time I'll say no politely as I was a bit anxious about how much that day I'd already consumed.

Tonight I cooked some mini potato pancakes from the recipe book for dinner. They sound fattening but are actually quite healthy and also very filling so you can only fit in like three of them. Tomorrow noght though my mum has asked me to cook a Blue Cheese Taglatelle. Don't get me wrong, it sounds like a delicious pasta but has a fair bit of cream and cheese :/ Let's hope I don't eat too much then.

Oh! Last night I went with my parents and my brother around the corner to our family friends house who we met when I was in kindergarten and was best friends with their daughter. They often have us around and L's mum K makes delicious food. Knoing that there would be dessert and lots of food I limited my days intake and then ate lots of salad, some tofu and caramelised pear for dessert. Don't worry, I only went 6 calories over my 400 limit. Then disaster struck later when I got home *dramatic music* As my days intake had been very little (roughly 100 calories) my body found it hard to digest the nights meal, which resulted in a terribly sore stomach. This ends up as a positive though; a life lesson if you will. It taught me not to consume so much in a sitting after such a day. So now I know never to eat so much again.

Also, some terrific news, I am now 48 kilos!!! I am actually quite chuffed with myself. Let's hope this weekend hasn't ruined that even though on both days I have managed to stay roughly under 400 calories.

Phew, quite a lot to say with not that much time to say it. Thanks for reading it lovelies, I try and comment on your blogs as often as I can.

ps. My mum saw a psychic today, I didn't have enough time to talk about it tonight but I'll delve into it a little bit in my next post.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Skinny Love

I'm so sorry to brag gorgeous girls but today has been another good day for my eating, I'm thanking a relaxing weekend at home.
Breakfast: an avocado roll,
= 149 calories
Lunch: 3 raw cauliflower flowerets (isn't floweret an awesome word? I just learnt today that that is what the little cauliflower pieces are called) and a mug of rose and french vanilla tea,
= 10 calories
I haven't had dinner yet but am planning on having 1 cup of cauliflower soup which will equal to 93 calories.
This will bring todays calorie intake to 252. Woohoooo :P
I'm not under 49 kilos yet though... I think I'm going to have to keep on going for a little while for that to happen.
Now girlies, I need your help. I've realised that a lot of my meals have carbohydrates as I loooove bread *licks lips* and I don't mind the odd pasta. Any suggestions on vegetarian meals that don't have a lot of carbohydrates?
Good luck with the week, think skinny
Love you all,

Saturday, November 6, 2010

There is Always Tomorrow...

Eyes Lit Up you were ever so right in saying: 'there is always tomorrow'. Today proved to be a much better day; even though it still wasn't a great one I'm hoping Sunday will be even better. I slept in till 1.30pm (which isn't usual for me) which meant I didn't need to eat so much.
For breakfast I had 1 cup of broccoli in oyster sauce which is 107 calories.
For the rest of the day I cut off little slithers of banana bread every couple of hours from the banana bread loaf we had which didn't add up to many calories either. Because I was eating something quite filling and quite low in calories every couple of hours I didn't need dinner. This makes todays consumption roughly 467 calories which I'm quite proud of.
All in all I am very happy with how I spent today. I was meant to be studying for exams that are coming up in 2 days (I'll regret not doing so later) but instead had a relaxing day watching A Stolen Life, a Bette Davis movie, with my mother while also being inspired to paint canvases of 1950s pin up girls. The movie has nothing to do with 1950s pin up girls so I'm not sure where that came from. I drew a really good sketch of a picture I found on the net and then painted a small canvas of it. I'm sorry for the stuck up-ness but I do have a little bit of artistic talent and do go to an art school. It was a nice, quiet day which I think I needed. I turned my phone on silent and didn't answer anybody. I feel a bit bad about that especially since my boy friend tried calling me 6 times but I really needed a day to myself.
Thank you all again. Love,

Glenn Ford and Bette Davis in A Stolen Life
The 1950s pin up girl I painted

Friday, November 5, 2010

Thank you

It made me ever so happy to log in this evening to see that I had 5 followers. I know to some of you that seems like nothing but to me it means a lot; it shows me that what I'm writing connects with people and that I'm semi-appreciated so, thank you. I'd also especially like to thank Ruby Lovebird for her constant encouragement, you really are a wonderfully, fantastic, beautiful person.
Anyway, today has been a spectacularly crap day for me and food. As it's cold I've eaten too much. It almost felt like I had gone back to my old self, eating whenever I felt like it. I can't even face the scales. I'm too scared that I might see the dreadful 53 kilos that I once weighed not too long ago. Scales are very scary things. So this is why I haven't updated the above weight gizmoabob. I'll wait till tomorrow after I've gone for a long walk. It's odd to think that just the other day I was well controlled and filled with positivity.

Stay strong my lovely lovely followers

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

*sigh* this is a tricky thing

Looking back and reading my last post I'm proud of how positive and happy I sound but todays post will have a different feel. I'ts not that I'm not in a good mind set, it's just my eating hasn't been a great one for me today.
Breakfast was fine, a small bowl of special K with 2 strawberries chopped up with an itsy bitsy bit of milk.
School was when I went wrong. Normally my control is good at school and I've been ever so impressed with my control lately but we were having a special assembly at school (I won't bore you with details); it was a celebration. I had only brought a piece of toast for lunch but there was a great tenptation at play, my biggest weaknesses... cupcakes and cake and for free. I ditched the toast and had a slither of cake and 4 or 5 cupcakes. It was stupid, foolish and just, well, stupid. I was gutted, but the fact I was going to the gym in the evening for Zumba for an hour then a work out for 40 mins made me enjoy those horrible delights of sheer yumminess.
I had dinner before Zumba which consisted of an avocodo roll so I was pleased with myself.

Then when I got home, there was vegetarian pizza and garlic bread waiting. I know what you're thinking 'Eeeck calories, calories, calories, fat, fat, fat, oil, oil, oil' but I couldnt resist the absolute smallest piece of vegetarian pizza and half a piece of garlic bread before i saw myself in the mirror and stopped.
I have decided that now I'm roughly 49 kilos I'm not that happy. I still have the same fat on my thighs so my new goal is 46 kilos. Is it wrong to want to better myself that tiny bit more? I hope not but either way, I'm still going to try I just have to firstly get to the 48 kilo mark.
Now I shall leave you with apicture from the American site that will hopefully deterr you from bad bad food. Can you believe that people eat these things?

Love you forever and always,

Heart-A-Mac and Cheese
"A layer of mac and cheese on the bottome, then chicken, another layer of mac, then beef, sun dried tomatoes, bacon, another layer of mac, and lastly a layer of mac and cheese sprinkled with beef and parmesan cheese spirinkled on top."

Monday, November 1, 2010

She's back

I'm sorry fellow skinny wishers that I seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth the last couple of weeks but they have been fairly busy. There is a lot that needs to be caught up on!

I will start with some good news (yaaay good news!) I hope that you guys will be proud to hear that if I weigh myself in the morning before breakfast I weigh 49 kilos! I'm so happy! It's taken forever but I'm getting closer to my goal of 48 kilos :)

Also some more good news. I have managed for a little while now to eat under 500 calories. I'm not sure whether to go down to 400 or stay where I am because I think that 400 will a little tricky... but I love setting goals for myself.

This time of year for me is birthday time of year. It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago, followed by my mums, two of my cousins, my family friend and two of my friends birthdays so there has been lots and lotssss of temptation. I've been doing pretty well but a lot of the time if I've been at a party or going out for dinner I've eaten waaaaay more than I should have but I've managed to regain control the next day... most of the time. I've also managed to try to steer clear from chocolate; apart from last night as it was halloween and I was fairly drunk. Being drunk isn't alwways a good thing. My best friend started talking to me about my weight and how she thought I had lost quite a bit within the last 6 months. Before I knew it I started blabbering to her about how I wanted to lose weight and blah blah blah... but I didnt tell her about my calorie control, I didn't tell her everything. I did try explaining it to her but she just didn't understand. I can try and fix this problem by acting like I'm fine and never talking about it again with her... I'll try and completely ignore the topic.

Recently I've compiled a thinspiration playlist on my ipod. It's only short but it works really well. It motivates me to excercise and when I'm about to eat junk food or snack when I shouldnt I just think about the playlist or listen to it and it stops me in my tracks. I was wondering if anyone else had a thinspiration playlist? I'll post mine next time, once I find my ipod.

Sorry for the semi-rushed job. There was a lot to say (I think I've forgotten a lot of it) and I wanted to get it done quickly so I could study.
Love you all,

ps. I'll leave you with some pictures of the beautiful Nina Dobrev, my thinspiration

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Dear my body;

I hate you. I really do.
Thighs, please lose all unecessary baggage.
Butt, please unload all of the junk from your trunk.
Stomach, please oh please discard all of that fat that is so obviously there.
Body, please become as perfect as the bodies of the women that walk down the Victoria's Secret runways,
Or become as perfect as those bodies I see on thinspiration sites.
Body, please became one that would be seen on a thinspiration site.
That is all I have to say to you.
Become perfect.
Yours sincerely,

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

On the road to skinny

There was always a part of me that liked my body and hated the other part of me that hated my body. Now that part has gone. All of me hates my body. I'm sick of it. Sick of it. Fat, just go away, make it easier for me. Or maybe food, maybe you could go away. Temptation go away. How about all of it go away: the fat, the temptation and the food. Yeah sounds like a plan.

Today I've already consumed a lot:
breakfast: piece of bread with nutella, 2 pieces of toast with avocado and tomato.

I blame it on holidays. Anyway that is all I plan on eating today until dinner and then I'll only consume a little bit. I will ignore all temptations. Then I will be back on track, I will be back on the horse riding under the sun on the road to skinny skinny skinny. But that's not all I want. As I travel this path to skinny skinny skinny I also want to gain attention, love and happiness. Even though I don't want people to notice what I'm doing to my body I also hope that eventually people will; but the fact that people may notice also scares me because I don't know what they'll do once they notice. It's all so confusing but now I don't care. I'm determined. My goal is set. That feeling in my stomach now, the feeling of being full, learn to hate it and steer clear from it.
A full stomach = a fat stomach, fat thighs, a fat butt.
Remember that now, that is vital information.
Hopefully the next couple of days are easier, much easier.