Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Dear my body;

I hate you. I really do.
Thighs, please lose all unecessary baggage.
Butt, please unload all of the junk from your trunk.
Stomach, please oh please discard all of that fat that is so obviously there.
Body, please become as perfect as the bodies of the women that walk down the Victoria's Secret runways,
Or become as perfect as those bodies I see on thinspiration sites.
Body, please became one that would be seen on a thinspiration site.
That is all I have to say to you.
Become perfect.
Yours sincerely,

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

On the road to skinny

There was always a part of me that liked my body and hated the other part of me that hated my body. Now that part has gone. All of me hates my body. I'm sick of it. Sick of it. Fat, just go away, make it easier for me. Or maybe food, maybe you could go away. Temptation go away. How about all of it go away: the fat, the temptation and the food. Yeah sounds like a plan.

Today I've already consumed a lot:
breakfast: piece of bread with nutella, 2 pieces of toast with avocado and tomato.

I blame it on holidays. Anyway that is all I plan on eating today until dinner and then I'll only consume a little bit. I will ignore all temptations. Then I will be back on track, I will be back on the horse riding under the sun on the road to skinny skinny skinny. But that's not all I want. As I travel this path to skinny skinny skinny I also want to gain attention, love and happiness. Even though I don't want people to notice what I'm doing to my body I also hope that eventually people will; but the fact that people may notice also scares me because I don't know what they'll do once they notice. It's all so confusing but now I don't care. I'm determined. My goal is set. That feeling in my stomach now, the feeling of being full, learn to hate it and steer clear from it.
A full stomach = a fat stomach, fat thighs, a fat butt.
Remember that now, that is vital information.
Hopefully the next couple of days are easier, much easier.

Monday, October 4, 2010

So confuzzled

I'm in such a happy mood and yet I'm so angry with myself. It's holidays so my meals arent as organised as I'm out a lot... I feel like I've been eating too much. I seem to be full a lot lately which is good, but then I still eat breakfast and dinner. So I don't know whether I feel full because I've eaten a lot or if I just feel full and then I eat but I actually haven't been consuming much? As you can see my brain is muddled. What makes things worse is that because I've been sick my parents have been bringing home brownies and lemon tarts and such and I appreciate that they're thinking of me but I've found it really hard to say no, so then I eat them but then I see my ugly 50 kilo flabby fat body in the mirror and regret it instantly. It's a cruel cycle. Also because I'm tired I don't seem to have the energy to do anything about it like not eating my next meal or making my portions a lot smaller... Old me, please come back. I miss you.

Love you all,

Saturday, October 2, 2010

You know what?

I'm actually sick of it. I'm sick of being told 'put on more weight, it's healthier' or 'you don't need to lose weight you're already so skinny' when there are bloody models skinnier than me, women in movies that I watch skinnier than me and even women in the street skinnier than me. So, can the whole world please decide on already what is the weight they want women to be? I know that's sexist, I know but you see my brain is thinking about this all in two ways. I love the days when Marilyn Monroe's body was thought as unbelievably hot and every women wanted to be a size 12, I adore the days when women with some fat in their bones were wanted for paintings. But then I don't mind if other people are like that, I kind of enjoy it, I just don't want that to be me. I want to be the skinny girl. So can society make up their mind? It seems that you have to be either super skinny or, well, to put it kindly, large when it's in 'fashion', never both at the same time. Can't we just simply have both? Can we have both and then neither of them get srutinized?

Love Anafly


Friday, October 1, 2010

Never ever ever

I just saw this image and had to post straight away. This is my biggest fear. Please never let this happen to me.


I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a while, but I've been extra busy and now I'm sick with some deformed tonsilitis -___-
I think I've been going pretty well lately, I've started trying to limit myself to 600 calories a day, soon I want to bring it to 400 but we'll see how I go. I've also been weighing myself a lot but it just upsets me every time because I can't seem to go under 50 kilos :'( my goal is to weigh 48 kilos (I dont know how many pounds that is, sorry guys!)
Because i've been sick i've needed to eat food to help me feel better (it's school holidays, I don't want to be sick now) which annoys me because I can't concentrate on what I eat as much, but I've been pretty good at staying under or close to 600. Also when I got changed this morning, after eating, to go to the doctors I was angry at what I saw. My stomach was just a huge blob, it wasnt as thin as I remember it being and my bum stuck out like... I dunno, a massive pimple? Crap metaphor I know :P
Also on Tuesday (today being Friday) I had like a little melt down when I was going to sleep. Now i'm a person who hates crying, I hate it. I hate showing my feelings and emotions to people. My best friend even says that there has been only 2 times in our 7 year friendship that she's seen me cry. My mum says I take after my dad's Englishness, she thinks English people don't show emotion haha. Anyway this all had a point. As I was going to sleep I kept on crying! I tried to stop and hold it in but I wasn't very succesful, it was more like quiet controlled crying? It was insane and I wasn't crying because of much, just me losing control over something silly. I then got more upset over the fact that I couldn't control my crying, it took forever for me to stop. But I did. I'm blaming the fact that I was tired and sick for this uncharacteristic outburst.

Sorry for the rushed job, I had so much to say and only a little amount of time to do it in. I'll try and write again soon but I don't know when because it's my birthday thursday (the 7th of October)
Love you all,