Saturday, November 27, 2010

I know that it wasn't long ago I posted

But I just... I just can't. I don't exactly know what it is I just can't, I just can't. Today I was meant to be in control of what I ate but nooooo I had to eat some of the muffin my parents brought me home and eat lotssssssssss of the lemon tart I made.
I just want to swear my bloody head of but I'm not the one to swear, I sound tacky. I am just so pissed of with myself. I do so well and then I just fail fail fail and keep on failing. I keep feeding the little monsters inside my belly.

Me part 1: I'm hungry
Me part 2: No you're not
part 1: Then what's this feeling inside my belly?
part 2: That's control and strength, hold onto it.
part 1: Ok. I will

~later on~

part 2: You failed. You fed those little clawing monsters
part 1: I know, I'm so sorry. I gave in. I know that if I keep doing this I'll become a big fat pudge
part 2: Tomorrow you're going to eat barely anything
part 1: Yes I know. I agree. I will

~later on~

part 1: You know what, I'm fairly skinny, I mean I'm 171.5 cm tall and weigh around 48-50 kilos
part 2: That's not good enough. Pull your head into gear you need to lose more more more
part 1: You're right. Again. Alright I will

But now it seems no how matter how hard I try I can't seem to lose much more. I hate this. I hate this cycle. FUCK IT! JUST LET ME LOSE THE WEIGHT I WANT! PLEASE STOP ME FROM BINGING! Ok, now I'm handing my body over to you. Just please get me there. I need to. Please.

**I am so sorry for the negativity of this post.
It's so out of character, especially the swearing.
But I desperately needed to vent**

It's ironic that as I type this I'm searching for a recipe of lemon tart that I used to make my family

And I will be making two today. One for my mum to take with her when she goes to a BBQ with old high school friends and one for my brother and I while I babysit. I'm also going to make him and I for dinner a polenta savoury pancake with guacamole from the vegetarian recipe book. Don't worry, I'm going to make sure that the rest of my days intake is low. I've only had one weetbix with a bit of banana for breakfast and I plan on having a small piece of lemon tart for lunch and one healthy pancake with guacamole for dinner. It's my weekend, please let me have a bit of fun with my food.

Oh, I also bought another cook book yesterday. For those of you who are Australian I bought Poh Ling Yeow's cook book, the runner up of last years Masterchef. It really is amazing. I love her and the food she creates. Not that I've eaten any of it, it just looks good in the book and on her TV show.

I bought Wintergirls yesterday too and finished reading it yesterday as well. It. Is. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. I'm not the kind of person who admits to crying, heck, I barely remember the last time I cried, but when I read Wintergirls tears were slowly edging down my face. I'm not sure if that's because I could relate to how she thought of herself or because it was an emotional book. Well it would have been because of both of those things. I thought that maybe after I read the book it would change how I thought of myself (I was scared of that). Lucky for me (and also unlucky for me I guess) it didn't. Anyway, I recommend reading it if you haven't already.

I'm also pleased to inform you that I went to see Harry Potter again last night but with my brother and my dad (Harry Potter's always been mine and my dads little bonding thing). I ate a small dinner before we left and even though I was given a free Honeycomb milk drink, was offered anything from the food court from my dad and my brother had bought a pack of pods for the movie I managed to only consume one single pod while being out. I'm pretty impressed.

Hmm sorry that this posts a bit... nothing but they were just some things I really wanted to inform you guys on.
Good luck my butterflies

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Well that's embarassing...

I've somehow managed to follow myself... I don't even know how I did that?!?! Any suggestions on how to unfollow yourself?

Anyway I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record here but I am so truly thankful that you guys are following me, reading what I have to say and even better, commenting on my posts. I love you all. The other day I was thinking about how lonely this whole eating thing is and how no one I know understands but then I stopped and thought about you guys. You guys understand what I'm going through, you guys know that I just can't 'switch it off'. I knew that if I posted how I was feeling on here someone would read it and agree. So thank you. Thank you so so much.

Yesterdays eating was fantastic... until dinner. You see occasionally when I eat my family aren't around. They're busy getting ready in the morning while i have breakfast, they're not with me at school and sometimes I'm so hungry when I get home I eat dinner early before they get home. Last night though while my dad was in Melbourne I went out for dinner with my mum and my brother. I ordered a salad (minus the dressing) and when my mum gave me a dissaproiving look I also ordered a bread roll. That seemed fine but then my mum brought up how her high school friends daughter (who's a couple years older than me and has had anorexia for roughly two years) used to just have salad for dinner and this was an early sign of anorexia. I just said that I wasn't hungry after Zumba but they then forced me to order and eat a cheesecake in front of them claiming I needed to put on weight. Phhhhh. Liars. After eating 2/3 of it I complained of feeling 'sick' because they forced me to eat the cheesecake when I was already full. My mum was then just like 'We didn't force you to eat it'. Grrrrrr.

So anyway today I think I made up for that with a small bowl of Guardian cereal for breakfast, a mini wholemeal avocado roll for lunch and three mini potato, pring onion, dill and chive pancakes (and lots of tea and water).

I've been reading all your blogs religiously, you guys amaze me.

Monday, November 22, 2010

I write to you with a belly full of tea...

First things first, I am so so so so sooooooo happy to see that my number of followers has finally hit double digits! Haha party time! May sound lame but this is a big deal for me. When I started this blog I expected like a grand total of two. This has made me one happy little vegemite.
Anyway, to fill you guys in on the goings on of my life... *cue dramatic music*
I went to the midnight screening of Harry Potter on Wednesday *squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal*. It was amazing, I don't want to give anything away though. It's going to be so sad when it's all over, I grew up with it.
Alas, the Harry Potter screening didn't bring only good. My friends and I went to Woolworths before hand and managed to buy a pack of 12 snack size Caramello Koalas and a biiiiig bag of lollies. As I watched the movie I managed to consume six, SIX caramello koalas and a handful of lollies. Trust me, I'll try to never do that again. Of course this gave me the body blues.
Before I went to Zumba on Thursday my dinner conisted of a vegetaraian summer roll (65 calories) and an avocado roll (roughly 135 calories or something). When I got back from Zumba my mumma asked if I was hungry to which I replied no. Then my brother decided to open his big mouth (don't get me wrong, I love him to bits) and say "You don't eat enough." I maanged to act offended and my mum didn't think much of it. But as if he would notice? I mean, how would he notice? Anyway, he eats quite a lot compared to me. He is a growing boy after all.
Then on Friday I went to my friend's birthday party. I accidentally got smashed (I somehow kept ending up with drinks in my hands) and I casn barely remember what I did for 10 minutes of the night. Apparently I talked to a few people about weight, but I don't remember what I said. I remember talking to my friend I about my perception of myself and my weight briefly, I don't remember what I said yet again but enough for her to get a bit concerned. I also apparently said to another friend "I've put five kilos on my arms"... Lucky mostly everyone I spoke to were quite drunk themselves. I'll try and do some damage control. Moral of this story? Don't get so smashed and keep your mouth shut.

Anywho, I will part you with some wisdom that I have accumulated over the past couple of days. Sorry if you know any of this but I thought it would be useful.
  • From a test out of protein, fat and carbohydrates it has been proven that protein makes you fuller for longer which means you are also less likely to snack. Eating protein for breakfast it a great way to last till your next meal.

  • If you serve yourself a smaller serving you are bound to eat less.

  • Drinking water before a meal doesn't neccesarily make you eat less but if you combine water with food, aka soup, you will be fuller for longer and more satisfied.

  • If include low fat calcium everyday in your diet you will excretes a lot more fat, the fat your body doesn't need.

I hope this has all helped! Sorry I didn't go into much detail.

Love you all,



Saturday, November 20, 2010

Short and Sweet

Please control yourself. Stop shovelling so much food into your mouth.
But I can't stop.
What happened to my control?
Why has this weekend been such a food involved one?
I hate it. I hate myself for eating so much that my stomach feels like it's about to explode and it is so visibly round. Why do I do this to myself?
I'm so stupid and so fat.
**Sorry for the short post, just needed to vent. Hopefully next time my post will be long and positive. Thanks so much for the comments too. Oh, I've been reading all your blogs (I adore them and you but haven't had time to comment. Sorry!) Also, welcome to the new followers. Thanks so much for following**

Monday, November 15, 2010

Stars and Moons

I really need to apologise for my spelling in all my posts :/ I get too eager to post my posts that I don't go over them and check so my apologies. I don't like bad spelling.
Anywaaaaaay as I stated in my other post my mum saw a psychic yesterday. She came into the house saying "Oh B, you're not going to like what she has to say about you." I started freaking out. I didn't know if psychics could pick up on eating disorders or whatever. I know it sounds silly now but I was sitting there trying to keep calm. What it ended up being was that my passed away grandparents thought that I should start helping around the house more (I already help out a lot) so that I can become more independent because apparently I won't be living with my family during uni. Phew. I was actually very relieved haha. The psychic also said that I was like my father and we were both good at English (what about art and design? I do go to an art and design school after all...) and she said that when I'm a bit older I'll be working at a magazine like Woman's Day or something, which is one of my dreams :D
She also said that through my whole life I'll keep men at bay because I'm just not interested and will have only 2 or 3 serious relationships. She said that around the age of 26 she sees me in a white dress but she's not sure if that meant marriage. She also said that I'll be very focused on my job and will need to have more fun. Oh! She also said that I might have 2 or 3 modelling jobs. Fingers crossed this all happens hehe. Isn't that all exciting? Before I was such a cynic but my mum came home with some spot on stuff about us all.
The psychic didn't say anything about my health to my mum though. I don't know what this means. Does this mean I can keep this a secret? Sorry that this post doesn't have much to do with my eating...

There's something I really need help with but I'll do it next post, I simple don't have the energy to do it now.

I love all of you beautifull people with loving souls.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Blabber mouth

Uh I have so much to say but if only I could remember it all. The past week I've been going "Ooooh, I really need to put that on my blog!" but then I never have time to do it. So, please read patiently as I try to remember everything.

First off: Boobs. Yes, boobs. I am sooooo sick of my tiny little ones (they don't really fill a B cup). Does this whole eating situation stop them from growing? Or am I just a late bloomer? Is there anyway to make them grow bigger? Answers to those questions would be greatly appreciated :)

I bought a vegetarian cook book yesterday! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D it has really really good recipes and says what vegetarians should be including in their diet. I've been lustfully flicking through the pages and when I reach the desserts find myself thinking "Oh yuuuuuum, but that's something I can't be eating little miss 400 calories." You see I have now limited my daily intake to 400 calories and I don't want that all to be gone in one little dessert. I've found the 400 calories mark so so. It started off really tricky but because I've been working myself down to this point it's manageable; I'll stay at this point though.

Today I visited a family friends in Hospital (we practically count her and her family as our family). It's an unusual situation why she's in hospital but I won't go into detail. Anyway, this involved eating some 'get well soon' cake to please her 5 year old daughter who made it. It was really nice but next time I'll say no politely as I was a bit anxious about how much that day I'd already consumed.

Tonight I cooked some mini potato pancakes from the recipe book for dinner. They sound fattening but are actually quite healthy and also very filling so you can only fit in like three of them. Tomorrow noght though my mum has asked me to cook a Blue Cheese Taglatelle. Don't get me wrong, it sounds like a delicious pasta but has a fair bit of cream and cheese :/ Let's hope I don't eat too much then.

Oh! Last night I went with my parents and my brother around the corner to our family friends house who we met when I was in kindergarten and was best friends with their daughter. They often have us around and L's mum K makes delicious food. Knoing that there would be dessert and lots of food I limited my days intake and then ate lots of salad, some tofu and caramelised pear for dessert. Don't worry, I only went 6 calories over my 400 limit. Then disaster struck later when I got home *dramatic music* As my days intake had been very little (roughly 100 calories) my body found it hard to digest the nights meal, which resulted in a terribly sore stomach. This ends up as a positive though; a life lesson if you will. It taught me not to consume so much in a sitting after such a day. So now I know never to eat so much again.

Also, some terrific news, I am now 48 kilos!!! I am actually quite chuffed with myself. Let's hope this weekend hasn't ruined that even though on both days I have managed to stay roughly under 400 calories.

Phew, quite a lot to say with not that much time to say it. Thanks for reading it lovelies, I try and comment on your blogs as often as I can.

ps. My mum saw a psychic today, I didn't have enough time to talk about it tonight but I'll delve into it a little bit in my next post.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Skinny Love

I'm so sorry to brag gorgeous girls but today has been another good day for my eating, I'm thanking a relaxing weekend at home.
Breakfast: an avocado roll,
= 149 calories
Lunch: 3 raw cauliflower flowerets (isn't floweret an awesome word? I just learnt today that that is what the little cauliflower pieces are called) and a mug of rose and french vanilla tea,
= 10 calories
I haven't had dinner yet but am planning on having 1 cup of cauliflower soup which will equal to 93 calories.
This will bring todays calorie intake to 252. Woohoooo :P
I'm not under 49 kilos yet though... I think I'm going to have to keep on going for a little while for that to happen.
Now girlies, I need your help. I've realised that a lot of my meals have carbohydrates as I loooove bread *licks lips* and I don't mind the odd pasta. Any suggestions on vegetarian meals that don't have a lot of carbohydrates?
Good luck with the week, think skinny
Love you all,

Saturday, November 6, 2010

There is Always Tomorrow...

Eyes Lit Up you were ever so right in saying: 'there is always tomorrow'. Today proved to be a much better day; even though it still wasn't a great one I'm hoping Sunday will be even better. I slept in till 1.30pm (which isn't usual for me) which meant I didn't need to eat so much.
For breakfast I had 1 cup of broccoli in oyster sauce which is 107 calories.
For the rest of the day I cut off little slithers of banana bread every couple of hours from the banana bread loaf we had which didn't add up to many calories either. Because I was eating something quite filling and quite low in calories every couple of hours I didn't need dinner. This makes todays consumption roughly 467 calories which I'm quite proud of.
All in all I am very happy with how I spent today. I was meant to be studying for exams that are coming up in 2 days (I'll regret not doing so later) but instead had a relaxing day watching A Stolen Life, a Bette Davis movie, with my mother while also being inspired to paint canvases of 1950s pin up girls. The movie has nothing to do with 1950s pin up girls so I'm not sure where that came from. I drew a really good sketch of a picture I found on the net and then painted a small canvas of it. I'm sorry for the stuck up-ness but I do have a little bit of artistic talent and do go to an art school. It was a nice, quiet day which I think I needed. I turned my phone on silent and didn't answer anybody. I feel a bit bad about that especially since my boy friend tried calling me 6 times but I really needed a day to myself.
Thank you all again. Love,

Glenn Ford and Bette Davis in A Stolen Life
The 1950s pin up girl I painted

Friday, November 5, 2010

Thank you

It made me ever so happy to log in this evening to see that I had 5 followers. I know to some of you that seems like nothing but to me it means a lot; it shows me that what I'm writing connects with people and that I'm semi-appreciated so, thank you. I'd also especially like to thank Ruby Lovebird for her constant encouragement, you really are a wonderfully, fantastic, beautiful person.
Anyway, today has been a spectacularly crap day for me and food. As it's cold I've eaten too much. It almost felt like I had gone back to my old self, eating whenever I felt like it. I can't even face the scales. I'm too scared that I might see the dreadful 53 kilos that I once weighed not too long ago. Scales are very scary things. So this is why I haven't updated the above weight gizmoabob. I'll wait till tomorrow after I've gone for a long walk. It's odd to think that just the other day I was well controlled and filled with positivity.

Stay strong my lovely lovely followers

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

*sigh* this is a tricky thing

Looking back and reading my last post I'm proud of how positive and happy I sound but todays post will have a different feel. I'ts not that I'm not in a good mind set, it's just my eating hasn't been a great one for me today.
Breakfast was fine, a small bowl of special K with 2 strawberries chopped up with an itsy bitsy bit of milk.
School was when I went wrong. Normally my control is good at school and I've been ever so impressed with my control lately but we were having a special assembly at school (I won't bore you with details); it was a celebration. I had only brought a piece of toast for lunch but there was a great tenptation at play, my biggest weaknesses... cupcakes and cake and for free. I ditched the toast and had a slither of cake and 4 or 5 cupcakes. It was stupid, foolish and just, well, stupid. I was gutted, but the fact I was going to the gym in the evening for Zumba for an hour then a work out for 40 mins made me enjoy those horrible delights of sheer yumminess.
I had dinner before Zumba which consisted of an avocodo roll so I was pleased with myself.

Then when I got home, there was vegetarian pizza and garlic bread waiting. I know what you're thinking 'Eeeck calories, calories, calories, fat, fat, fat, oil, oil, oil' but I couldnt resist the absolute smallest piece of vegetarian pizza and half a piece of garlic bread before i saw myself in the mirror and stopped.
I have decided that now I'm roughly 49 kilos I'm not that happy. I still have the same fat on my thighs so my new goal is 46 kilos. Is it wrong to want to better myself that tiny bit more? I hope not but either way, I'm still going to try I just have to firstly get to the 48 kilo mark.
Now I shall leave you with apicture from the American site that will hopefully deterr you from bad bad food. Can you believe that people eat these things?

Love you forever and always,

Heart-A-Mac and Cheese
"A layer of mac and cheese on the bottome, then chicken, another layer of mac, then beef, sun dried tomatoes, bacon, another layer of mac, and lastly a layer of mac and cheese sprinkled with beef and parmesan cheese spirinkled on top."

Monday, November 1, 2010

She's back

I'm sorry fellow skinny wishers that I seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth the last couple of weeks but they have been fairly busy. There is a lot that needs to be caught up on!

I will start with some good news (yaaay good news!) I hope that you guys will be proud to hear that if I weigh myself in the morning before breakfast I weigh 49 kilos! I'm so happy! It's taken forever but I'm getting closer to my goal of 48 kilos :)

Also some more good news. I have managed for a little while now to eat under 500 calories. I'm not sure whether to go down to 400 or stay where I am because I think that 400 will a little tricky... but I love setting goals for myself.

This time of year for me is birthday time of year. It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago, followed by my mums, two of my cousins, my family friend and two of my friends birthdays so there has been lots and lotssss of temptation. I've been doing pretty well but a lot of the time if I've been at a party or going out for dinner I've eaten waaaaay more than I should have but I've managed to regain control the next day... most of the time. I've also managed to try to steer clear from chocolate; apart from last night as it was halloween and I was fairly drunk. Being drunk isn't alwways a good thing. My best friend started talking to me about my weight and how she thought I had lost quite a bit within the last 6 months. Before I knew it I started blabbering to her about how I wanted to lose weight and blah blah blah... but I didnt tell her about my calorie control, I didn't tell her everything. I did try explaining it to her but she just didn't understand. I can try and fix this problem by acting like I'm fine and never talking about it again with her... I'll try and completely ignore the topic.

Recently I've compiled a thinspiration playlist on my ipod. It's only short but it works really well. It motivates me to excercise and when I'm about to eat junk food or snack when I shouldnt I just think about the playlist or listen to it and it stops me in my tracks. I was wondering if anyone else had a thinspiration playlist? I'll post mine next time, once I find my ipod.

Sorry for the semi-rushed job. There was a lot to say (I think I've forgotten a lot of it) and I wanted to get it done quickly so I could study.
Love you all,

ps. I'll leave you with some pictures of the beautiful Nina Dobrev, my thinspiration