First off, I came across this last night and it made me so so so so angry. I'm not saying I'm pro-ana, I don't really know what I am. I just want to provide help for those who have the condition. It's not like we choose this, it's not like we wish it on other people. These blogs are how we deal with this. But this person is just so... so ignorant. They don't seem to understand at all and are just so rude, so wrong. Gaaah it made me mad, have a read.
I then read this: http://www.golivewire.com/forums/peer-eaetotp-support-yn.html
Reading this made me happy. This girl knew what it was all about unlike someone. If only everyone understood.
I thought you guys might like to read them both.
Anyway on the weekend (I know this was a while ago but I only felt like talking about it now) my friend S, who suffered from Anorexia at the beginning of the year but recovered, visited. My friends M and C had been with her for about 15 minutes already before my brother and I met up with them (I took my brother because he was bored and wanted something to do). As soon as I ran up and hugged S she straight away started talking about my weight and how 'skinny' I was. I kept trying to talk about her because I hadn't seen her in ages (the last time I saw her she was in hospital) but she kept talking about it and blowing it all out of proportion. I then knew what had happened. My friends M and C had talked to her about my eating without my permisson (M and C don't know everything, only a little bit and I've told them recently there's nothing to worry about). I had trusted C when I told her and I almost felt forced to tell M when I did. I regretted telling M instantly because she always makes it about herself. Anyway, so through the day S tried to force me to eat Maccas and Gelato which I refused. I was fine with my gum. Then as we were walking through the shopping centre I turned around to talk to the three of them but S wheeled me back around and said 'We're talking about you.'
Needless to say I felt extremely left out. These girls used to be my nearest and dearest. I just walked around with them for the rest of the day and didn't mention how I was feeling. Then when I got home I couldn't let it go because I didn't want it to ever happen again.
I texted C and told her to read the text to M because I knew they were together. I basically said that I didn't appreciate them telling S what they did (I still don't really know what was said) because it wasn't their buisness to tell. I wanted to be the one to tell S but only if I wanted to. I also said that they made me feel left out. The next time I saw C (which was the next day) she instantly apoligised and I forgave her.
Now, the reason I brought all this up. I went to a BBQ last night in the park and this is when M decided to apoligise to me. She was drunk when she pulled me aside and apoligised. I didn't say much but just forgave her. The conversation took a while because M kept apoligising and slurring her words. My friend K was waiting for the conversation to finish because we were walking home together. I've always been friends with K but we've become closer recently. I think next year we'll become even closer as M's moving to a new school (because basically, extremely long story short, she cheated on all her boyfriend's and had sex with nearly everyone, including people 8 years older than her and not many people like her) C is moving to the country and two of my other friend's are moving too. It's like all my close friend's who are girls are leaving me. But I really respect K and I do hope we become closer. She is so honest, genuine, down-to-earth, fun, artistic and understands people. I think she's just what I need. As we were walking home she asked why M was taking so long to talk to me and was wondering if M was blowing what she done to me out of proportion. All K knew was that M was apoligising to me about something. I basically told K what M and C did on the weekend but kept reffering to my anorexia as 'my secret'. She started guessing what my secret was and she said 'Are you Anorexic?' I was stunned. She had managed to guess what it was. I said no, then she guessed Bulimia. I said no and we talked about how we hate vomiting. Then she asked if it was a health issue and I said yes. She asked if it was recent and I said it started sometime this year. Then she didn't push the matter any further and just listened to me explaining how M and C had made me feel. It was such a breath of fresh air. She was so understanding and the fact that she guessed Anorexia first shows that she pays attention to other people and not herself all the time. I'm not so used to this, for example everytime I talk to M it's always about herself. So, yeah, I'm really happy that K and I have become closer.
Oh also on this night of the BBQ I talked to O. He was so understanding and gave me a choice. He said that when I get back from overseas we can try and give it a proper shot or just leave it and maybe pick it up another time. He's so sweet.
Now, do you guys remember A? I talked about him a bit in another post and how I felt like I led him on. I will briefly go through our history. At the beginning of the year on Australia Day (jan 26th) I hung out with him and some friends for the day. He was being all flirtatious and sweet and I instantly had a crush on him. I was then told by my friend who is also his that he was going to ask me out. Then the next thing I knew he was going out with this other girl. I was really hurt by that. Then 6 months later he was single and we flirted. We kept texting each other then I went to a party at his, we hooked up and then on another day I went to a boat party with him. After that I ran out of credit and couldn't text him and he didn't text me either. I then realised that I had him on fb but didn't want to send him a message because I wanted to see if he'd send me one. He didn't. Then O asked me out a couple of weeks later. I said yes. Then finally I got credit and texted A and told him. He was hurt but he wished me luck. Then two days ago I texted him again. The text read:
So I replied:
So guys, I'm scared that this might be my last post until January the 15th when I get back. Hopefully I'll have access overseas to a computer but most likely I won't. There could be one in Bali or Thailand? But I'm not getting my hopes up. I have no idea how I'll manage to stay away from you guys for so long because I seriously love you all so so so so so so much. You guys mean so much to me. I hope everything goes well for you all. Ruby LoveBird don't worry, I'll still keep up the SGD.
- Lose weight (get to 45 kilos)
- Don't put any weight on
- Don't be found out
- Be happy
- Be in the top of all my subjects
- Have fun
- Make new friends
Oh lastly, I've been reminiscing my child hood and remembered Peter Pan. I loved that movie and had a massive crush on him when I was little. If only I could have some of Tinkerbell's fairy dust and fly. To be so light would be lovely. Or maybe I could wish that I don't come back form over seas the size of a whale. They'd both be good.
And here's some thinspo to keep you guys going.