Thursday, November 17, 2011

Day Two

Sorry guys but my internet is slow at the moment so it makes it difficult for me to check and comment on your blogs, so sorry about that! I will try as hard as I can.
I left my post a bit late tonight, it has almost reached midnight on the second day of the 60 day challenge, but hey, it still counts.
It's been party season for me which means lots of drinking and this weekend I have an 18th to go to.
There will be a lot of drinking involved at this one and, even better, there is a pool involved.
Yay sarcasm
I'm trying to keep my intake lower than normal this week as to get ready for it.
I will also keep it really low on the day of the party to compensate for the alcohol... but I eat a lot when I get drunk... it's terrible.
Anyone know a cure for drunk binging?
Alcohol makes me bloat so fun times for Anafly.
I also have my period at the moment (sorry if that's a bit tmi) which also makes me bloated and makes me feel like an 1990821389749738901298403 kilo whale.
I tell you one of the main things I miss about being 46 kilos besides from the obvious? I didn't have my period for a whole year.
I know that's unhealthy but man, easy to live with.

ANYWAY back to the 60 day challenge:
Day two: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest.)
So that I'm back to the weight I was at the beginning of the year, so I don't feel like a failure, so I feel better about myself, so I don't feel like a stupid fat girl and so I can show people that you know... I may project that I am all fun and smiles but hey, maybe get to know the real me? I know it says main reason but my main reason is more than one.

I love you all too bits

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Bear Cage

Don't mind the title. Just the song I was listening to at the time.

Today's been a fairly good one eating wise... not my best but I'm content.
I had a job interview this morning for this fairly large shoe company in Australia. My mum allowed me to go to the interview at 10, it finished at 11 and then get to school at 12.
It was a group interview with 13 other people.
I am really eager to get the job but let's see if I am 'special' enough to get a call back for a solo interview.
I tried to stand out and be outgoing but there was one girl who was completely OTT there.
While talking she would get up on a chair and shout out whatever she had to say.
Maybe they'll admire her guts, I don't know.
I just hope they like the way I tried to sell a shoe and admire the story I told them about my dad taking me motorbike riding in England on ice and snow even though I don't have a motorbike licence.
Oh, I didn't just randomly tell them that, they asked for the craziest/wildest thing that we had done and that was the first I could think of.

Anyway, back to my eating. I started off my breakfast by chugging a large glass and a half of water so that my stomach was already full before I ate. I have quite a small stomach, especially when it comes to water retention so only managed a couple of spoonfuls of natural yoghurt and all my vitamins before I was full.
I managed to not be hungry at all during the day thanks to all the water in the morning except my friend brought in brownies to school that her younger brother had made for me.
He's a great baker even though he's only 12 and I couldn't resist. They were only small and there were only two of them. They were so small that they add up to the size of one average brownie.
I felt extremely guilty eating them but I would have felt more guilty for not eating them, she did save them for me after all.
I did a lot of walking today though so I felt like that cancelled out the brownies.
It's 5pm now and I ate four hours ago, yet I'm still not hungry.
It's great.
I'm going to start my day with large glasses of water every day.
Oh! Also! I have added a recipe page at the top. It's a work in progress but please let me know what you think :)

I have also decided to jump on the 60 day challenge bandwagon, starting today! (the link is here)

Week One!
Weekly challenge: Pick one unhealthy food or habit you have (eg. Artificial sweetener, chocolate, eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.

The unhealthy habit I have is eating a spoonful of Nutella in the afternoons occasionally. I want to stop that. Another habit that I developed not that long ago is snacking after dinner. That is an absolute no go.

Day one: How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic). 

I am 170cms tall (5.6 feet) and I weigh 57.5 kilos (126.5 lbs). Yes, that's embarrassing, especially considering I was once 46 kilos :( but I'm also happy with it at the same time considering two weeks ago I weighed 59 kilos.
After the 60 days I hope to weigh 50 kilos but I'll be happy even with 55. 50 kilos is my main goal for the moment though.

Love you all to bits and thank you all so much for your wondrous comments! You're all actually helping a truck load! Hopefully I'll start posting when I'm not tired and I will try and respond to your comments in my posts as well.

Monday, November 14, 2011

To Do or Not To Do, That is The Question

When I was at my lowest weight, probably when my anorexia was at its most severe, I ate around 360-400 calories a day (at least twice a week I would have a negative calorie intake) and then once I put all of this weight on instead of turning into... well, usefulness it all just turned into fat.
I read somewhere the other day (this was from a girl with anoreixa and who currently weighs 47 kilos) that she advised that you eat 800 calories every day so that you do not binge and that way, if you don't binge, your body isn't in starvation mode and the food doesn't turn into fat on the body.
I don't know which to do though, eat 800 calories a day and hopefully avoid binges OR make my way back down to eating 360 a day...
Any tips, advice or words of wisdom?
I love you all with all my heart.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Help Please. Help.

Thank you Haze and Rachel for your lovely comments last post; I would tag you but I'm afraid that it's too late at night for me to comprehend how to, even though I do know.
I have a dilemma.
What do you do when you meet the 'perfect guy' but... he's not one person.
He's split into two.
And they're brothers.
Oh and just to make it even that more complicated, you're kind of dating one of them.
Well that's me now and it sucks.
I'm attracted to both of them. They have similarities and differences and I find both attractive in different ways.
Let's call the one I'm dating W. He used to be really really really quiet and I hate quiet but now he's opening up and he's becoming more talkative. He is so random, which is great because he understands my random personality and humour and can match it. Then, while I was in Europe for school (oh yeah guys, forgot to mention that minor little detail) he tried to jump out the window. Twice. So people think that he's fragile mentally... and they don' think I need someone like that right now but then again, if I open up to him he would understand my mind set. He is an idiot at times too. He's taken steroids once before (did I mention he's really muscley, not my usual type but dayum ;-) ) and he sometimes does really really stupid things like smash up mints and then snorts them so I think he's had experience with drugs before. He also gets in trouble at school sometimes... But he really likes me and has apparently fallen for me... and can be really sweet. He's younger than me by a couple of months but he looks like he's 21.
Then his brother who I shall name G is ONE AND A HALF YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME. It's stupid. I never EVER like someone younger... but he too looks like he's 21. He too has a random sense of humour and when we talk at school we just make fun of each other and what not. We have a habit of texting each other at night and when we do we talk about fashion, what we want to do out side of school and stuff. I LOVE fashion and want to have a career in it when I'm older so we relate on the level that we're interested in it (him not in a professional sense). I am a very organised person. I love it and G is organised to. He knows what he wants to do at uni and has two back up plans. He is interested in maths and sciences while i love my art, drama, textiles and english. This is compared to W who doesn't know what he wants to do and doesn't take school seriously.
G is so so young but doesn't show it.
According to my best friend (who's a guy) the flirting between G and I is really obvious but people ignore it because W and I have a thing going on.
Reading this W comes across as such a bad boy. He is but he isn't at the same time.
G isn't a bad boy but he isn't a goody goody which this post may make him come across as.
As you can see I am so confused.
I hate having boy friends. I hate boys.
Then I am in a pickle like this where I like both boys and going out with one.
I hate labels.
And now don't know what to do.
Love Anafly

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Sleep Deprived

I'm at a weird point at the moment as Ana drags me back in.
At night I have all these horrid thoughts in my head.
Thoughts that I don't want to listen to at that time of night.
I can't get to sleep so just distract myself until the wee hours of the morning when I'm too tired to think and when it's safe to fall asleep.
The stories we were told as kids are true: monsters do come out in the dark.
I've started carving 'FAT' into my upper thigh too, to match the one on my wrist.
Is it sad that I kind of love them... that I find them pretty?
I'm craving Beetroot dip right about now.
My stomach's aching but I don't want, nor do I deserve, any food.
I love you all very much.
You fill me with light.

ps. sorry for the randomness of this post.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Clear Hearts, Grey Flowers

I am sick at home.
I don't want to be, I remember briefly this morning when I woke up at 8.15 (before falling back to sleep) I got angry at my dad for allowing me to sleep in and not expecting me to go to school.
It sounds silly but I had a depressed episode last night and I'm surrounded by food in the house today.
I want to be with friends so I'm not filled with so much self-loathing, but at the same time I don't want to be with friends so that I can feel all of this hate in hope that it will get me back into routine.
That sounds messed up, doesn't it?
I know I definitely don't want to be surrounded by food, I need to keep my hands off of it.
Luckily for me my appetite has become somewhat repressed. I thank the sickness for that.
I think I can feel control edging back in; when my mum rang she asked me if I wanted her to bring me home some cake for dessert in hope that it will make me feel better.
I declined and I feel stronger for it.
I've been working on the 'FAT' carved into my arm.
Also, you all amaze me. I've been catching up on all of your blogs and you're all so sweet, kind, inspiring and beautiful. You all deserve happiness.
Love Anafly,

Monday, November 7, 2011

Star No Star

As my posts go on I will slowly fill you all in on what has happened in my absence... there is just so so much of it and it's too overwhelming for me to all think about and type at once.
I'm sorry that you'll have to wait.
I'm sorry that I leave without any notice and then come back without giving you my reasons straight away.
The truth is girlies, I always show a happy, positive, bright and smiling girl wherever I go but it is only to you guys that I can reveal the truth.
I think I am at the darkest I've ever been.
I cut for the first time today on the side of my wrist.
I didn't cut deep enough to draw blood, I'm too much of a wuss for that.
I carved the word 'fat'.
Which I am.
I am the fattest I've ever been.
It's disgusting.
I love you all,

Sunday, November 6, 2011

It's been long

Far too long and it's difficult to explain why. All I can say now as it is far too late at night, is that I failed.
I failed you all.
I failed myself.
Most of all, I failed EDNOS/Anorexia.
I am back and I shall stay.
Thank you so much for those who have stayed with me in hope that I will return.
I know I need to earn your trust back but I will try my hardest.
I want and need Anorexia to fully consume me once again.

Lots of love,