Sunday, December 25, 2011

I've Just Stopped By To Say...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Once the seasons festivities are over for the next couple of days I will fill you in on the highs and lows of the last couple of days.
I hope you guys have an absolutely amazing time today with family and friends, be it eating a truck load, not eating at all or even just not caring about food intake. I hope that you get all you wish for and are surrounded by happy smiling faces.
Please remember that you are all beautiful and unique and also remember that you are human. No matter how hard we try we will never be perfect and you know what? That's ok. That's beautiful in itself.
I love you all and you deserve to be happy every day of the year, including this one.
Love you more than words can explain.
xxxxxxxx

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Welcome To Hangoveria.


Headache.
Ouch.
Bloated stomach.
Yuck.
Good night?
Yes.
I went to a party last night in the rain. The rain threatened to dampen the party but it didn't which is great. Two of my friends, sisters in fact, are going to Italy for a month so this was a farewell party.
I shared a bottle of Southern Comfort with Afro, it was 17 standard drinks. I get destroyed on 7 so he helped me look out for my drink intake because I can get absolutely smashed without realising and without intending too.
Last night was one of those moments. One standard drink too many.
I love Afro so so much. He helped me and tried to sober me up.
He is honestly one of my best friends, it honestly feels like sometimes he is the only once that truly cares about me.
If I was to just leave this planet right now who would really care? Who would really be affected apart from Afro, my family and if I'm lucky some of you guys?
Wow that sounds depressing and don't worry girls, I'm not in a depressed state, quite the opposite in fact.
It's just something I've been thinking about.
But girls, last night I did something silly.
Something so so so so silly.
I'm going to have to be a bit more careful on here I think... because Afro could be reading.
After saying that I bet you have guessed what I did.
I know I know I know.
The thing is, I don't really regret it.
Aaaah I don't know. My head hurts and my body feels funny.
Never again will I drink so much of Southern Comfort straight even though I enjoyed myself.
Sorry this post is a bit all over the place; there are two things I know for sure though:
1. I'm still too terribly fat and disgusting.
2. I need to lose weight.
Tomorrow won't help though, I'm house sitting for a week so am hosting a pool party tomorrow night. I'm going to be cooking lots and lots of food (I don't plan on consuming much of it) and there will be lots and lots of booze.
Fun.



Day fourteen: Do you ever allow yourself a “rest day” from exercise or a “cheat day” from your diet?
I don't really 'allow' it, it just happens. If that makes sense. I don't really have control over it.
Day fifteen: What is your favourite kind of exercise?
Dancing or walking. Something that's fun and doesn't necessarily feel like exercise. I'm also a fan of the Ab Circle Pro.
Day sixteen: Have you ever missed a work out just because you couldn’t be bothered?
Of course. Haven't we all?
Day seventeen: Have you ever been called fat? Or skinny?
I've been called chubby, I've been told I need to go on a diet and things like that but I've never been called fat. Yes, I've been called skinny.
Day eighteen: Do you have to eat any meals with your family? Are they for or against your diet?
Most of the time i have to eat dinner with them. They don't know anything about my 'diet' except for the fact that I'm vegetarian. My mum doesn't really approve of me being Vegetarian.
Day nineteen: Have you ever lied to avoid eating something?
Of course I have.

Love you all
xxxxxxxxxx

Monday, December 19, 2011

Hot Nights

This shall only be short and sweet.
The last two days have been bad intake wise. I haven't been counting calories and I've just been eating and eating and eating.
I don't know what it is.
It's weird.
I both hate it but couldn't care less.
I think it's only a phase in the cycle, so tomorrow should be better.
Hopefully next time I have something a bit more informative and poetic.
I don't know when I can post next due to it being Christmas time and I have quite a few parties this week.
You are all in my thoughts.

Love you all with the fire of a thousand suns.
xxxxx
ps. if you wish for me to check out your blog please leave a comment as my blogger has been a bit funny lately.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

That's amore.

I sit here in the dark of my room even though it's midday, sinking in the array of pillows on my double bed  and with the scented oil in my oil burner burning away, filling the room thinking about how lucky I am to have you guys. I really am. You all give me a strong sense of belonging to this community and you guys help me in my darkest times, no matter how stupid I am being.


Christina: Darling, you do not know how much your comment helped me. I was feeling terrible, I was beating myself up mentally and I was just in a horrible state of mind but then I read your comment. Your advice helped me so much! It made me think properly and be realistic. Yes, the next day was a new day and it was a better one. You helped me see clearly and I can't thank you enough.


Clear Girl: Thank you, thank you.  I lit my oil burner and let the aroma fill the room and I made myself listen to your advice. You are right after all. Everything you said was spot on.


lottie x: I remembered how the binge made me feel, I savoured the hate that I had to ensure that it won't happen again. I know it will eventually but I think I've held off such an unhealthy binge for a while. You're right about it not being enough to gain over one singular day and I didn't :) Thank you oh so much for speaking reason.


Run: I don't know why 1200 seems like so much, yes 1200 is literally a big number but people are eating more than that every day. Why isn't that possible for us? You're right, it isn't too bad an intake.


JojoBaby: Thank you!! It's great to hear that I'm not the only one, I felt like I was the only one to binge at that time of the month so thank you for reassuring me. You are most definitely not a big my darling!!!!! Don't think that!! Thank you so much for your comment, your positivity and reasoning helped me a lot.


Judith Marie: Yes, these cycles of doing well then not doing well I guess are the curses that come with it all. The weeks when I do well I'm on such a high, I'm so proud of myself but then the weeks when I do badly I am in a horrid mental state. Fun. You're right, it's done. It's in the past now so there's no use worrying about it and you know what? I'm not anymore. Sure, the day after I was still annoyed with myself (and still full so that was good) but now I've completely moved on from it all.


Rachel: You're welcome and I love you. Thank you for posting it, that is so flattering and seriously means a lot to me. I could never express to you how much of an affect that had on me; to think that my words are being read by someone and to think that those words could affect that person enough for them to post it themselves for others to read? That's just so mind blowing and heart warming. I know what you mean, I am glad that I have someone to identify with and relate to!


Depressed Skinny Mess.: Thank you for the follow back and you're right, we will get there in the end. We are all determined and strong enough.


Bones: You are so so right. I thought that if I stopped posting for a while that it would be a punishment, a punishment that I would hate so much that I would stop binging so that I could get back on here but after reading your comment I realised how untrue that was. I would miss this too much, I would miss yo too much. You can hang in there darling, especially if I can. You're right, this is a group effort, we're in this together. We can all help each other feel better and do better. I'm here for you darling.


Ruby LoveBird: Aren't hang overs just lovely? Haha not. It would be so marvelous if we didn't have to eat ever again. That would help in so many ways... does that sound absolutely twisted and mental? You seriously don't know how much I love you, you were one of my first followers and I love you so so so so so so much. By the way! My email has stopped working so I can't check it at all, I am so sorry if you've been sending me emails and I haven't been replying. You are welcome for the comments I leave you, I love doing it haha.


Dying to be beautiful: "Do not stop posting, I repeat do not stop posting. If anything you will loose motivation, and eat more." That is some of the best advice I've recieved and it's oh so true. It means so much to me that you enjoy reading my blog and like to hear how my day went. You are so sweet.  Oh yay! Another 17 year old! I know what you mean, I watch my friends when they eat and wonder how they can eat what they do without worrying about calories and whatnot but then as I watch them I realise how jealous I am. Why can't we be like that? Thank you darling.


Dear Prudence: I know what you mean, I love the taste of food but I hate feeling it in my stomach, it makes me feel so uncomfortable. I've never had Mia call me and I think I am quite lucky because of that but there are definitely been times when I wish that she did. Thank you for your comment, everything you said helped me in many ways. I really appreciate it.


Kiwi: Thank you for believing in me. That's ok about the comments darling, I just love reading your blog. You are ever so welcome about my comments, to be honest, I love leaving them. You are just so lovely and I love reading your blog.


Olivia Lee: Thank you for your comment! I am seriously absolutely in love with your blog so to be getting a comment from you is lovely haha. Thank you darling, I am being strong, no matter how difficult it is. I love you too.


I am so happy right now. I am completely ecstatic. I tell you the reason for this? Reading through all of your comments and replying to you lovely women. I do not know where I'd be without you guys, you are all so lovely, sweet, kind, caring, amazing, funny, clever, smart, beautiful and fantastic. You are the best bunch of people that I have had the pleasure of 'meeting'. None of you deserve to go through what you do every day. None of you. To think how selfless you all are; not only have you got a lot to deal with but you also don't mind commenting on other peoples blogs and helping them in their times of need. You all just blow me away.
Starting this blog early 2010 I did not think that I would be here right now with 146 followers who are all as amazing as you. No matter how good I am with words I do not think I can type enough to show you all how much I care for you, if anything was to ever happen to any one of you I don't know what I would do.


I love you all so so so so much.
xxxxxxxxxxx


Day eleven: What are your family’s eating habits like?
My mum is currently on Light & Easy and is trying to lose weight. She's doing pretty well. She loves food and has a massive sweet tooth and is often the one to bring unhealthy food into the house. Because of her job she sometimes goes without eating lunch. My 13 year old brother is skinny and yet he eats like every second of the day. He eats healthily but he also eats bad food too but it doesn't seem to affect him at all; he is so much like my mother and has a big sweet tooth too, he would rather sweet over savoury. My dad and I are very very similar. He prefers savoury and rarely has dessert but if he's on holiday he will treat himself to some dessert or something of the sort. He absolutely loves cheese and he eats quite a lot. He eats healthily but his servings can be quite big... he is a tall man after all.
Day twelve: What are your friend’s eating habits like?
They eat a good amount of food and they have balanced diets. I envy their eating habits.
Day thirteen: Is your diet ever negatively influenced by your friends? Do they pressure/tempt you to eat unhealthy food?
You could say that I guess... they eat so much (well compared to me) and expect me to do the same when I'm around them. A 'normal' person would see that as a good thing but a person with an ED mind would not. They don't pressure me to eat unhealthily but they certainly to tempt me. If they're eating unhealthy food they often want me to join in and get suspicious if I don't.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Je suis un ├ęchec baise grosse, je suis si les gras graisse.

Ok, I'm sorry to post twice in one day, I know you must be sick of me but I'm so so fat.
SO fat.
Today I've eaten the most that I've eaten in ages.
Roughly 1,200 calories worth.
I can't even look at that number.
My mum just kept getting me food and watching me eat it.
2 Weight Watchers mini chocolate whirls, 1 Weight Watchers mini carrot cake slice, a BIG serve of Vegetarian Rice Noodles and 18 small pieces of caramello chocolate.
Yes.
I know.
That's disgusting.
But I kind of have a hang over and I'm on my period.
I know that's no excuse.
I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn't stop.
I knew how it'd make me feel, I knew I knew I knew.
But I couldn't stop myself.
I wish I could just get rid of what's inside my stomach.
I hate it.
I hate me.
I'm a fat "putain de" failure.
I don't think I can post again until I'm at least 55 kilos.
Please leave me some words of encouragement or advice.
Something.
Anything.
I love you all so incredibly much, what would I do without you guys?
xxx

Je suis un putain de graisse.

She held her top tightly around her body as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. She knew that no matter how long she stared that it would not change but she still had hope. 
The bags under her eyes told of her sleepless nights, kept up by thoughts that terrorised her.
She needed to look at her body. She needed to see if her restricting had helped at all, she needed to know if Ana had been kind.
Slowly, slowly, slowly she pulled up the shirt, dreadful expectation creeping over her body. The first sight of flesh got her heart pumping; when the first sign of fat was spotted, her heart broke.
The face now showed hate.
The hate ran deep in her blood and her veins, coursing through every part of her body.
It now filled her mind and fuelled her inside voices.
Fat. Fat fat fat fat fat! Why? Why after all her hard work did it have to result in this?
Because you’re a disgusting pig that doesn’t try hard enough.
I know, I know, I’m sorry.
Sorry isn’t good enough.

It's only 2.03pm and I've already managed to consume roughly 300 calories.
I do allow myself to eat a bit more on the weekend but still.
That's disgusting.
Absolutely disgusting.
I'm disgusting.
To top it off, my mum just ordered me Vegetarian Rice Noodles (my fave) and fried ice-cream.
Great. Just great.
I didn't even want the fried ice-cream.
Man I sound so un-grateful. I don't mean to sound that way.


Judith Marie the thing you were talking about is the "60 Day Challenge" which I found here :) I'm glad it interested you!
Day nine: What is your favourite food, healthy or unhealthy.
Sushi, vegetarian for obvious reasons and Vegetarian Rice Noodles. I could live off those foods for the rest of my life.
Day ten: Do you eat breakfast? What do you usually have?
I eat breakfast every day, it is something that my dad instilled in me when I was younger, he always says that "breakfast is the most important meal of the day" and he's right. It starts your metabolism and gets everything started so I never miss it. I don't want what I eat later in the day to turn into fat after all. I usually eat Weight Watchers fruit cups which range from 34-36 calories or two spoonfuls of natural Greek yoghurt or 20 calories worth of strawberries or cherry tomatoes.


I love you all so so much you gorgeous butterflies who's words touch my heart and soul.
xxxxxxx

Friday, December 9, 2011

Nonentity.

Thank you ChristinaJojoBabyJudith MarieMichBonesPosieRachelBella and xXzapxfireXx for your comments last post, you're all so lovely!
I am glad that you guys could relate, I mean I hate the fact that you guys could relate to that but it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I hope that makes sense... I know it sounds selfish but I don't mean it to be.
I am also sorry if that post was depressing but there have been so many times when I've wanted to convey how I was feeling about my ED and ED's in general but haven't been able to put it all into words. That time I was able to sit down and somehow had the ability to order all of my thoughts and realise how I was feeling about it all. I have a love hate relationship with my ED and I wanted to portray that. I wanted to write something that we could all identify with. I wanted it in someway to help.
I don't think I said this in that post but you know what? We are strong. We all are. You guys are literally the strongest bunch of people that I have ever met. We will be able to deal with what ever our ED or life in general throws at us.


On a lighter not in my post Help Please. Help. I spoke about my boy troubles with W and G (W shall now be called Dali as it is his favourite artist and G shall be called Military as I love his military style boots. The letters were too obvious...) which have settled down.
Dali and I have been dating for just 5 weeks or so now and you know what? I like it.
You're talking to the girl who has only had one boy friend which lasted 4 months and the girl who has had a couple of 'almost bfs' but has always ended up making out with them then not being interested and breaking their hearts.
Boys have always been more eager to go out with me than I have with them because I've never been that interested. I had been initially and lost interest because I hated relationships. I still do really.
I've had boys from all age groups ask me out, hit on me and flirt with me. Yes, I've liked the attention but I've never wanted to do anything about it.
I've never really seen the point of relationships and don't want someone else worrying about me and don't want to have to open up to them.
Dali has changed these perspectives a bit. I still don't like relationships that much and don't like Dali worrying about me, which he does, he seems to have picked up on my eating issues and one drunken night I think I told him more than I should have and once he saw my 'fat' cuts. He tells me to eat more but he doesn't pressure me into anything and approaches my eating in a way that I don't mind too much. I think he knows that I 'did' have anorexia but I don't think he knows I still do... I don't know.
He bought me a 'vegetarian book for dummies' the other day out of the blue. He really is sweet. Incredibly insane too. WAAAH SHUT ME UP I HATE TALKING ABOUT BOYS.
Anyway, so, I told Military (Dali's brother) that I liked him. The thing is, we had become quite close. One night while Dali and I were at a party Dali decided to just walk home... he lived like a two hour train ride away. When he isn't sober he does weird stuff like that without telling anyone. So, I rang Military wondering where the hell Dali was and we ended up talking on the phone for like an hour. We've spoken on the phone a couple of times since, just talking about random stuff and we're so similar. We both told each other that we like honesty and like it when people tell the person if they like them. So I did. I told him that I had liked him. He said he had guessed and that it was all fine, which was nice. I think I still have feelings for him but I think it's just more of a deep connection because really, we have very similar tastes and he's such a sweetie. So that's all been cleared up. I can never tell with my feelings though. There's a part of me that feels hurt when he likes someone else but also feels extremely happy for him at the same time. What's the matter with you Anafly?! You're going out with his brother!


I went to a live drawing class today as part of this miniature scholarship deal with this college of arts. The woman's body that we were drawing was beautiful. She was skinny but it was a natural skinny, a skinny where her legs were a bit wobbly but her stomach was flat and her hip bones stuck out a lot. A skinny where when she'd sit a certain way her thighs would crease a bit and her boobs hung a bit but were nice. Even though her body was 'flawed' it was beautiful. Why aren't I that happy about my own body? It's not normal to be sitting in a life drawing class and to be comparing her body to yours, being jealous of the hipbones and comparing her to the thinspiration pictures that you view. It just isn't.


Now onto the 60 day challenge...
Day six: Have you ever been overweight or underweight?
I have been severely underweight and of course no one ever thought it as serious enough to hospitalize me.
Day seven: Do your friends and family know you are trying to lose weight?
Yes and no. Dali and my best guy friend Afro (especially Afro) know a bit about my eating stuff but I don't know if they know that I'm trying to lose weight. My parents don't know. They'd kill me if I did. My mum noticed that I'd lost some weight the other day (after being 46 kilos mid-year I put on all this weight, it was gross and then about 3 weeks ago I got serious about losing it). She got angry at me and said that she wanted me to make sure I was eating right as she didn't want to go through what happened last time again. Um, nothing happened last time! Some people voiced concerns and we had a fight about my weight once but that was it.
Day eight: Name 5 things you like about your body (you can do it) and the one body part you’d like to change the most.
This is hard... five things I like:
1. My eyes.
2. My arms.
3. My waist kind of. Not really.
4. My hands.
5. Um... my... Yeah no can't do this.
Change the most:
1. My thighs and my butt as it's too big compared to the rest of my body.

Sorry but my mood really changed by the end of this post. I'm in a bit of a slump now. I feel as if no one really wants me in their life and no one can really be bothered to spend time with me. Apart from random year 8s who talk to me on fb. Actually, now I feel like shit. Sorry.

I love you all so incredibly much and if you managed to read this whole post here is a BIG HUG. I didn't mean it to be long, I was planning on a short one.
Love Anafly
xxx

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

You'll Never Know


Eating disorders are diseases of silence. We are all silently screaming for something: attention, love, help, escape or forgiveness. Although we might be looking to fill different voids, we never ask for the things we need. We feel unworthy, that for some reason we don't deserve them. So, we play the game of guess what I need from you. You're inability to guess just feeds our feelings of worthlessness.
When you finally realise there is a problem, it is much too late. We will now fight, lie, and cheat to hold on to the one thing that has given us support. You see the symptoms, weight loss, weight gain, or depression. You watch us starve, eat, purge, and isolate. You tell us to eat or not eat, to sleep or to get up and do something, you can't understand why we can't just get better.
If it were only that easy! Some of us have been living with this, like this, for half our lives or more. We honestly believe it is the thing holding us together. Even when all others see it as the thing that's making us crumble to pieces. It is not just a part of us, but it has become us. It is our identity and who are we without it? Many of us are afraid to find out. Fearing without it we are nothing.
It becomes our sole companion. It is the thing that makes us strong, so that we don't need, don't want and don't feel. It is our cape of invisibility. With it on you can not see us, you can not see our pain and shame, we begin to disappear. Slowly at first and then before you know it we are gone. Lost in a world of pain. Always fighting for control that we never seem to get.
In the beginning the control is easy and the high from it incredible. I can not eat for 4 days, I can exercise for 4 hours a day, or I can throw up everything I eat. I am in control. But somewhere along the road we lose that control and the eating disorder takes on a life of its own. We no longer control it. It controls us. We wake in the morning hearing it's voice and can't sleep at night because that voice is too loud.
We stop listening to anybody except our eating disorder. We believe we are fat, useless, unworthy, unlovable, and weak. We honestly believe that losing weight will on some level make things better. We wake up with thoughts of food; they consume us all day long, and often cause sleepless nights. It becomes all that matters. We listen to the voices that constantly tell us we are not good enough, thin enough, strong enough, a little more and then we can stop. But there's always a little more and it doesn't stop.
You may see us hurting ourselves and not understand; we do not really understand either. We know we must lose weight. We know we must punish ourselves when we feel guilt and shame. We use laxatives, exercise, sleep deprivation, and self-mutilation to take away the pain. Many of us get to the point where the pain is too much and the road so long, we decide it is just not worth it. Since we have no worth, the world will not miss us. If we could just disappear, the pain would go away and we would no longer hurt others with our problems.
Death becomes a way out. Can't live forever with an eating disorder, can't live without it. It becomes the question we will ponder for many, many years before having a definitive answer. Do I want to live? Why? Our reasons not to live may seem mundane to someone without an eating disorder. You can not feel our emptiness or understand our loneliness. We can't share this world of silence we have made for ourselves. It is the thing that may have saved us in the past and might kill us in the future.
You look at the consequence and can't imagine why we would do this to ourselves. We are losing our hair, rotting out our teeth, bleeding when we throw up or even just brush our teeth, dizzy, tired, dehydrated, malnourished, and mentally unstable. And at some point these things do scare us. The first time throwing up blood, passing out cold or being admitted is an eye-opening experience, but not usually enough to stop the behavior. Some of us might even see these consequences as reinforcement that we are succeeding at something. Look, I'm really good at being eating disordered!
To give that up would be giving up a piece of us that we aren't sure we can live without. It is with us in the morning, telling us to get on the scale for the first test of the day. Even if the number is down it's never good enough. Then taking a shower where we close are eyes because the sight of ourselves is so disturbing. Next is finding something to wear. This can take hours because nothing fits right and everything feels tight. After all of this it's time for breakfast? No way we can eat after that disappointing morning.
The day goes on in the same manor. Nothing is good enough, nothing quite right. So we push our selves to eat less, run faster, dance longer, whatever we are doing we must be the best. Then comes night, where the distractions of the day aren't there to drown out the voices. Sleep is difficult when thoughts of hopelessness, self-hate, failures and suicide ruminate for hours. So instead of trying to sleep many of us spend endless hours on our computers, exercising, reading, cleaning, anything to avoid sleeping. We eventually sleep usually for just a few short hours, and then the cycle begins again. Only now we have to beat the day before, weigh less, eat less, do more. By our side our faithful coach and partner filling our heads with criticism, demands and insults.
Although we say we hate the voices and the disorder. We don't hate it all. We love the high of seeing the number go down. We long for that empty, numb feeling that comes with starvation. We thrive on what begins as compliments and turns to worry about our weigh loss.The disorder is the thing that makes us feel strong and special, while at the same time letting us disappear and run away from life.
We will say we don't want your help. Sometimes because we are in denial and actually believe things are fine, sometimes we feel guilty receiving help, because we feel unworthy, and sometimes it has just gone on so long that we have given up hope and accepted that "I will live with this until it kills me".
When we say we don't want your help, those are the times we need it the most. We need you to stand up for us when we can barely stand, love us when we hate ourselves, hold our hope when we feel hopeless, and never give up on us, the way we give up ourselves.
We will push you away. We will make you angry with us. We will tell you we don't need you and to leave us alone. We will throw temper tantrums and even throw food. We will close up and lock you out. We will blow off important appointments. We will do the things we've been told we can't, exercise, chew gum, drink Diet Coke,we will push every limit. We do not do these things to hurt you; we are just scared and feel threatened. You want us to give up something we can't imagine living without.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Insert something witty

I have a recipe that I must share with you. I think it's amazing, but I guess it depends on your wee taste buds.
Boil water and mix through a spoonful of white miso paste then basically chuck in some peas, chives, seaweed and soft tofu. Using the products I have it's usually around a 180-200 calorie meal and because of the protein in the tofu and the miso which mainly consists of water it is super super filling.
I'm in love.
Try it, experiment with it.
Thanks to this god send of a meal my daily intake has been around the 300 mark but it doesn't feel like it because it's just so god damn filling.
The only issue (well at least for me anyway) is that my body loves to store water so there's an issue when it comes to weighing. If I want to weigh myself it has to  be in the morning (which is the best time anyway) but even then I don't feel as if the full meal is out of my system...


Anywaaaay, how is everyone? I feel so out of the loop and I apologies immensely for that.


Day four: Do you work out? How many times a week?
Not so much 'work out' but I walk to and from school, so that's a 40 minute walk every day and I'm thinking of taking up jazz dance classes, I'm getting a boxing bag and once my house renovation is over I'm going to get back into using the ab-circle pro... maybe start going back to zumba too haha.


Day five: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?
My life. Seriously though, summer. Which is now... even though the weather hasn't been showing it. Also for the school picnic next week. I have seven days to get bikini ready.


Love Anafly
xxx
ps. I need to stop waiting to blog till late at night, I forget everything that I need to feel you in on and I'm much too tired. My posts shall improve from here on.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Day 3? Yes?



My internet has been absolutely terrible at the moment so that's why I have been MIA but we're with a new provider now so have so much internet that I won't know what to do with it.
Even though it should be day 15 on the 60 day challenge for me I am continuing from where I left off as I obviously didn't have access to view the challenge. I shall be continuing on, now onto:


Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
Not as strictly as I did in the past, I am slowly working myself back to where I was. For the moment I have a calorie allowance of 500-600 but sometimes 700-800 is ok. I obviously aim for the smaller numbers though.


Now, the last two days I have been binging... yesterday was the worst binge that I have had since my lowest weight... But I know that it's a good thing in disguise. That sounds weird but that means that my body knows I am restricting... It's all part of the process I guess...


I hate binging though. It makes me feel like a disgusting fat cow that's eaten a whale that's eaten a bus filled with fat people.


Sorry that there isn't much to go into this post, I'm just tired.
I will try and post tomorrow and catch up on all your blogs.
I love you all and thanks so much to MichEve and AA for your comments! It really does mean a lot. All of your words moved me, it moves me that people care enough to comment. I'm sorry but I'm too tired to properly reply to each comment individually but I do hope you know that I love you for it.
Love Anafly
xxx

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Day Two


Sorry guys but my internet is slow at the moment so it makes it difficult for me to check and comment on your blogs, so sorry about that! I will try as hard as I can.
I left my post a bit late tonight, it has almost reached midnight on the second day of the 60 day challenge, but hey, it still counts.
It's been party season for me which means lots of drinking and this weekend I have an 18th to go to.
There will be a lot of drinking involved at this one and, even better, there is a pool involved.
Yay sarcasm
I'm trying to keep my intake lower than normal this week as to get ready for it.
I will also keep it really low on the day of the party to compensate for the alcohol... but I eat a lot when I get drunk... it's terrible.
Anyone know a cure for drunk binging?
Alcohol makes me bloat so fun times for Anafly.
I also have my period at the moment (sorry if that's a bit tmi) which also makes me bloated and makes me feel like an 1990821389749738901298403 kilo whale.
I tell you one of the main things I miss about being 46 kilos besides from the obvious? I didn't have my period for a whole year.
I know that's unhealthy but man, easy to live with.

ANYWAY back to the 60 day challenge:
Day two: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest.)
So that I'm back to the weight I was at the beginning of the year, so I don't feel like a failure, so I feel better about myself, so I don't feel like a stupid fat girl and so I can show people that you know... I may project that I am all fun and smiles but hey, maybe get to know the real me? I know it says main reason but my main reason is more than one.

I love you all too bits
xxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Bear Cage

Don't mind the title. Just the song I was listening to at the time.

Today's been a fairly good one eating wise... not my best but I'm content.
I had a job interview this morning for this fairly large shoe company in Australia. My mum allowed me to go to the interview at 10, it finished at 11 and then get to school at 12.
It was a group interview with 13 other people.
I am really eager to get the job but let's see if I am 'special' enough to get a call back for a solo interview.
I tried to stand out and be outgoing but there was one girl who was completely OTT there.
While talking she would get up on a chair and shout out whatever she had to say.
Maybe they'll admire her guts, I don't know.
I just hope they like the way I tried to sell a shoe and admire the story I told them about my dad taking me motorbike riding in England on ice and snow even though I don't have a motorbike licence.
Oh, I didn't just randomly tell them that, they asked for the craziest/wildest thing that we had done and that was the first I could think of.

Anyway, back to my eating. I started off my breakfast by chugging a large glass and a half of water so that my stomach was already full before I ate. I have quite a small stomach, especially when it comes to water retention so only managed a couple of spoonfuls of natural yoghurt and all my vitamins before I was full.
I managed to not be hungry at all during the day thanks to all the water in the morning except my friend brought in brownies to school that her younger brother had made for me.
He's a great baker even though he's only 12 and I couldn't resist. They were only small and there were only two of them. They were so small that they add up to the size of one average brownie.
I felt extremely guilty eating them but I would have felt more guilty for not eating them, she did save them for me after all.
I did a lot of walking today though so I felt like that cancelled out the brownies.
It's 5pm now and I ate four hours ago, yet I'm still not hungry.
It's great.
I'm going to start my day with large glasses of water every day.
Oh! Also! I have added a recipe page at the top. It's a work in progress but please let me know what you think :)


I have also decided to jump on the 60 day challenge bandwagon, starting today! (the link is here)

Week One!
Weekly challenge: Pick one unhealthy food or habit you have (eg. Artificial sweetener, chocolate, eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.

The unhealthy habit I have is eating a spoonful of Nutella in the afternoons occasionally. I want to stop that. Another habit that I developed not that long ago is snacking after dinner. That is an absolute no go.

Day one: How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic). 

I am 170cms tall (5.6 feet) and I weigh 57.5 kilos (126.5 lbs). Yes, that's embarrassing, especially considering I was once 46 kilos :( but I'm also happy with it at the same time considering two weeks ago I weighed 59 kilos.
After the 60 days I hope to weigh 50 kilos but I'll be happy even with 55. 50 kilos is my main goal for the moment though.

Love you all to bits and thank you all so much for your wondrous comments! You're all actually helping a truck load! Hopefully I'll start posting when I'm not tired and I will try and respond to your comments in my posts as well.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, November 14, 2011

To Do or Not To Do, That is The Question


When I was at my lowest weight, probably when my anorexia was at its most severe, I ate around 360-400 calories a day (at least twice a week I would have a negative calorie intake) and then once I put all of this weight on instead of turning into... well, usefulness it all just turned into fat.
I read somewhere the other day (this was from a girl with anoreixa and who currently weighs 47 kilos) that she advised that you eat 800 calories every day so that you do not binge and that way, if you don't binge, your body isn't in starvation mode and the food doesn't turn into fat on the body.
I don't know which to do though, eat 800 calories a day and hopefully avoid binges OR make my way back down to eating 360 a day...
Any tips, advice or words of wisdom?
I love you all with all my heart.
xxxxxxxx

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Help Please. Help.

Thank you Haze and Rachel for your lovely comments last post; I would tag you but I'm afraid that it's too late at night for me to comprehend how to, even though I do know.
I have a dilemma.
Help.
What do you do when you meet the 'perfect guy' but... he's not one person.
He's split into two.
And they're brothers.
Oh and just to make it even that more complicated, you're kind of dating one of them.
Well that's me now and it sucks.
I'm attracted to both of them. They have similarities and differences and I find both attractive in different ways.
Let's call the one I'm dating W. He used to be really really really quiet and I hate quiet but now he's opening up and he's becoming more talkative. He is so random, which is great because he understands my random personality and humour and can match it. Then, while I was in Europe for school (oh yeah guys, forgot to mention that minor little detail) he tried to jump out the window. Twice. So people think that he's fragile mentally... and they don' think I need someone like that right now but then again, if I open up to him he would understand my mind set. He is an idiot at times too. He's taken steroids once before (did I mention he's really muscley, not my usual type but dayum ;-) ) and he sometimes does really really stupid things like smash up mints and then snorts them so I think he's had experience with drugs before. He also gets in trouble at school sometimes... But he really likes me and has apparently fallen for me... and can be really sweet. He's younger than me by a couple of months but he looks like he's 21.
Then his brother who I shall name G is ONE AND A HALF YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME. It's stupid. I never EVER like someone younger... but he too looks like he's 21. He too has a random sense of humour and when we talk at school we just make fun of each other and what not. We have a habit of texting each other at night and when we do we talk about fashion, what we want to do out side of school and stuff. I LOVE fashion and want to have a career in it when I'm older so we relate on the level that we're interested in it (him not in a professional sense). I am a very organised person. I love it and G is organised to. He knows what he wants to do at uni and has two back up plans. He is interested in maths and sciences while i love my art, drama, textiles and english. This is compared to W who doesn't know what he wants to do and doesn't take school seriously.
G is so so young but doesn't show it.
According to my best friend (who's a guy) the flirting between G and I is really obvious but people ignore it because W and I have a thing going on.
Reading this W comes across as such a bad boy. He is but he isn't at the same time.
G isn't a bad boy but he isn't a goody goody which this post may make him come across as.
As you can see I am so confused.
Help.
I hate having boy friends. I hate boys.
Then I am in a pickle like this where I like both boys and going out with one.
I hate labels.
And now don't know what to do.
Help.
Please.
Love Anafly
xxx

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Sleep Deprived

I'm at a weird point at the moment as Ana drags me back in.
At night I have all these horrid thoughts in my head.
Thoughts that I don't want to listen to at that time of night.
I can't get to sleep so just distract myself until the wee hours of the morning when I'm too tired to think and when it's safe to fall asleep.
The stories we were told as kids are true: monsters do come out in the dark.
I've started carving 'FAT' into my upper thigh too, to match the one on my wrist.
Is it sad that I kind of love them... that I find them pretty?
I'm craving Beetroot dip right about now.
My stomach's aching but I don't want, nor do I deserve, any food.
I love you all very much.
You fill me with light.
xxx

ps. sorry for the randomness of this post.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Clear Hearts, Grey Flowers

I am sick at home.
I don't want to be, I remember briefly this morning when I woke up at 8.15 (before falling back to sleep) I got angry at my dad for allowing me to sleep in and not expecting me to go to school.
It sounds silly but I had a depressed episode last night and I'm surrounded by food in the house today.
I want to be with friends so I'm not filled with so much self-loathing, but at the same time I don't want to be with friends so that I can feel all of this hate in hope that it will get me back into routine.
That sounds messed up, doesn't it?
I know I definitely don't want to be surrounded by food, I need to keep my hands off of it.
Luckily for me my appetite has become somewhat repressed. I thank the sickness for that.
I think I can feel control edging back in; when my mum rang she asked me if I wanted her to bring me home some cake for dessert in hope that it will make me feel better.
I declined and I feel stronger for it.
I've been working on the 'FAT' carved into my arm.
Also, you all amaze me. I've been catching up on all of your blogs and you're all so sweet, kind, inspiring and beautiful. You all deserve happiness.
Love Anafly,
xxx

Monday, November 7, 2011

Star No Star

As my posts go on I will slowly fill you all in on what has happened in my absence... there is just so so much of it and it's too overwhelming for me to all think about and type at once.
I'm sorry that you'll have to wait.
I'm sorry that I leave without any notice and then come back without giving you my reasons straight away.
The truth is girlies, I always show a happy, positive, bright and smiling girl wherever I go but it is only to you guys that I can reveal the truth.
I think I am at the darkest I've ever been.
I cut for the first time today on the side of my wrist.
I didn't cut deep enough to draw blood, I'm too much of a wuss for that.
I carved the word 'fat'.
Which I am.
I am the fattest I've ever been.
It's disgusting.
I love you all,
Anafly
xxx

Sunday, November 6, 2011

It's been long

Far too long and it's difficult to explain why. All I can say now as it is far too late at night, is that I failed.
I failed you all.
I failed myself.
Most of all, I failed EDNOS/Anorexia.
I am back and I shall stay.
Thank you so much for those who have stayed with me in hope that I will return.
I know I need to earn your trust back but I will try my hardest.
I want and need Anorexia to fully consume me once again.

Lots of love,
Anafly
xxx

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

YAY!

I have two pieces of good news:

1. I HAVE NOW REACHED 99 FOLLOWERS!!!! WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW! I never would have imagined having so many followers; I thank each and every one of you it truly means a lot to me. You have all helped me in some shape or form to become the person that is typing this today. I love you for it.

2. I NOW HAVE MY OWN PERSONAL LAPTOP!!!!
This means my posts will be more frequent as I won't be scared/nervous about when I access my blog because this is all MINE... which you probably all guessed haha. This also means no more slack blogging from me!!

My weight is still sucky and I really need to kick my sick/winter butt into gear.
This post can only be short as it's late at night and I should be studying for my Japanese test tomorrow....
I hope you're all well, please let me know how you are and I'll try and catch up on your blogs ASAP, once the last two days of this term are over and I'm on holidays :)

Please remember that you are all beautiful and I love every single part of you, even the parts of yourself that you dislike.
Love Anafly
xxx

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Failure

I hate that word, I really do and failure is the reason that I haven't been on Blogger for ages.


I'm fat.


I'm so so so so fat.


I was once 46 kilos, the lowest I'd ever been and my doctor told me to put on weight.


I got sick, it got colder and for some strange reason the next thing I know, I'm eight kilos heavier.


I don't know what it is.


I try to restrict, but at times I can't.


I'm still eating under 1000 calories a day, some days I'm eating around 500... but for me, that's too much.


I used to eat 360 a day.


I don't know what's happened.


I want ot get back to that 46 kilos. I don't feel like I deserve (for the lack of a better word) to be called Anorexic... at times I have bulimic tendencies but without the purging... I'm just a big fat failure.


I feel like I haven't deserved to post on here because of all this and that's why I've been putting it off. I knew that if I posted here I had to face the music and accept that I've become fat (even though according to my doctor I'm only almost in the healthy range or my height but I don't believe it).


My stomach is disgusting; I look at photos of me just from a couple of months ago where I was skinny, I actually looked like a stick.... but now I don't.


I've felt like I haven't deserved to post here and I've felt like I've let you all down. I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm in, any pointers? I really need it.


I love all of you so so so so so so so so so much and even though I haven't been posting, I've been thinking about you all every day.


I know that you can help me through this.


I love you all.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I'm sick;

As the heading states, I'm sick.
On and off fever, terrible headache and just feeling bleeeerh.
I hate missing school, as lame as that sounds.
I've also been eating SO MUCH FOOD! Seriously, I don't think I've ever eaten so much.
The thing is though, my bodies craving food so that it can get better, and I've been letting myself eat all kinds of things in hope that I'll get better really soon.
The good thing is, I don't think I've put on that much weight since being sick because I was already fat to begin with thanks to the holidays.
My body's been craving crazy things, like yesterday I had low fat ice cream with a crumbled weight watcher brownie.
I dont even like either of those things.
Oh well... I guess once I'm over whatever this is I can finally concentrate on getting THINNER.

Oh! Guess what! Ok... during the holidays I accidentally drunkenly told two of my guy friends about my eating disorder... and since then they told my school counsellor who then rang my parents and told them. Then when they asked me about it I was like "phhhhh, no way man".
And they were fine with that. Am I really that fat now that it's 'not possible' for me to have an eating disorder?
If I was at my lowest weight right now they'd be all "PUT ON WEIGHT GIRL AND GET HELP".
Anyway, sorry this blog is a bit... weird and out of character haha. That's just what happens when I'm sick.
I'm finding it a bit hard to catch up on all your blogs and I'm really sorry about that.
Once I get my own laptop (which shouldn't be too far away) it'll be so much easier :)

Thank you all so so much for your comments, I appreciate it so so so so much. When I read your comments I get the biggest smile on my face. I look quite ridiculous haha. Girls, I hope that you guys feel like you can ask me all kinds of questions whenever you want. I love answering them and helping people if I can.
Bonnie Blue O', to answer your question, I haven't had my period since early October/late September last year. You haven't had yours for two years?!? Wow... i know I'm not one to talk, but that's not good. I really think you should go see a doctor about it. Not having a period for so long can have bad affects sometimes. A doctor can fix it, I advise that you go see your doctor ASAP my love.

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!
xxx

Monday, April 25, 2011

Easter and Apologies

I'm sorry I've been gone so long... again.

My computer went through this MASSIVE virus and wiped EVERYTHING and I didn't have any safe access to a computer to visit blogger for at least two months or so. It's also been ultra busy around here with exams and holidays...

I also haven't felt like I deserve to be here.

I'm at a really bad place at the moment.

Probably the worst I've been in ages. Basically, it's been school holidays and lots of people have noticed my weight loss and were making me eat. Once I go over my days calorie limit I think "what the heck" and then go overboard. There have also been a couple of parties I've been to where I've drunkenly told two of my friends (boys) everything. Anyway, so, it's holidays and Easter has just passed and people have been forcing food down my throat so now I think I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I'm so fat. It's disgusting. My belly potrudes so much.

Yet, none of this has driven me enough to excercise and restrict.

I feel like such a failure.

I've lost all motivation.

I also feel horrible for not frequenting blogger and supporting all you lovely lovely people.

I hate myself right now.

The last two days I've been stuffing myself with chocolate in hope to get rid of it all.

I am so disgusting. You should all un-follow me.

I am such a sad excuse for an anorexic.
I think that I might have anorexia/binge eating disorder. If that even works.

I can't get over how fat I've become.

I'm meant to be the skinny one out of all my friends.

I've let everyone down.

I've let you all down.

Oh gosh I love you all so so so so so so so much. Thank you all 96 of you for following me. I'm going to try extra hard to catch up on all your blogs.

I love you all unbelievably much.

Love Anafly

xxx

Sunday, April 3, 2011

This is a Virus, Inside Me and the Computer

I'm sorry I've been gone for so long but my computer has had a virus for what seems like FOREVER.
It still hasn't gone and I'm trying to get rid of it. Once it's fully gone and I can have proper access to the computer I will give you all a long post filling you all in.
I miss you all when I'm gone.
Oh! Welcome new followers!!
92?!!?! Are my eyes playing tricks on me? As if!
But wow! Wow wow wow! Thank you so much for following me and taking time out of your lives to read what I have to say!

Don't worry, I'm still fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I Am So Grateful.

Kissa and Bella. Thank you. Thank you so so much. This means a lot.
This is the first reward I've recieved and I am so over the moon.
To think that so many of you (82 to be precise) are following me, listening, commenting and even giving me awards is so mind blowing.
To think that I got this award from both of you too! Wow!
You are both so amazing, gorgeous, kind, caring, friendly, lovely, beautiful and mind blowing.
You should all check them both out.

So, there are conditions upon which you recieve his award.
1. You need to thank the person who gave it to you (check)
2. List seven things about yourself
3. Pass on to ten people you think deserve this award
4. Drop by and let them know you appreciate them


So, here we go...
I love to bake, I really really do. For some reason it brings me such happiness.
People say that I'm the kindest person they know, friends think I deserve so much respect because I'm so nice and caring. I disagree. I don't think I am. I don't know why.
I love to travel. It's one of my passions. Even though I've done a lot of travelling in my life already I can't wait until I can travel all over the world.
I'm learning Japanese and I love it. I wish that I could speak fluently.
I love art and I always have. I guess you could say it's my talent.
I want to be a fashion stylist/fashion journalist/theatre actor/artist when I'm older.
I miss my family in England and Brussels oh so much (I don't really have family in Australia) I wish I could see them all the time. The fact that I can't makes me sad.


Now the tricky part, passing it on to ten people...
Ruby LoveBird; the girl who was with me from the start.
You mean ever so much to me. I love you.
BellaAna; you make me laugh. You fill me with joy.
Glitch, you make me feel loved and missed. You have such an amazing spirit.
Hannah; you are so lovely. I always love reading your posts.
Let's do this.; you always manage to leave me long, in-depth and heart warming comments at the right moments.
Campaign for slim; I find that I can relate to you so much. You personality really come through.
Thinner is the Winner; your blog is beautiful, your comments are beautiful, you are beautiful.
deer&wolves, your blog is amazing, much like you. Your words are magic.
Addicted to Thin; I hope that this award makes your day even greater you sweet thing.
annamaria, you have one of those blogs that I just love visiting again and again.

All you girls deserve this award. You have all touched my heart in many ways.
I love you.
There were also so many of you that I didn't give the award to that I wanted to (I only gave it to people that hadn't recieved it before) and it was so hard to limit it down.

Everyone please smile today because the world is beautiful.
Love Anafly
xxxxx

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Flames

I am just so frustrated.
If you met me you'd know I'm not the type of person who gets frustrated easily.
My parents are getting so much worse about my eating.
They constantly pick at me, the food I eat and how much I eat every day.
It's quite hurtful.
They won't leave me alone.
I just want peace and quiet.
Our arguments are becoming more constant.
I don't want to eat more.
Can't they just leave me alone instead of picking at me?
What the hell do they expect me to say?
Why do they have to ask me questions that we all know only have one answer? They're answer. The 'right' answer.
I've been threatened with "No more Zumba until you put on weight."
"No more ab-circle pro."
They seriously expect me to put on weight in a day.
They treat me like I'm an idiot: "Anorexia isn't glamorous you know."
No? Really? I think I'd know
"You could end up in hospital."
Duuuh.
Everything's quite shitty at the moment.
I'm sorry for the negative post, I'll try to be more positive next time.
xxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, March 14, 2011

Quick Quick Quick

I don't have much time to do this I'm sorry.
Last week my blood test results came in.
I don't have enough white blood cells, they're low because my doctor says I'm not eating enough.
Well duh.
My parents have tried to make me eat lots and lots and lots which has been annoying me to no end. There have been a couple of days where they've tried to make me eat two breakfasts (as opposed to my 15 calorie breakfast they don't know about) and sometimes two dinners or a massive afternoon tea and then dinner.
I've managed to avoid it most nights.
Tonight I had a 88 calorie special K bar and a small goats cheese, egg and rocket wrap which all was fine (I had burnt 100 calories before the meal) but then my dad tried to force me to eat another one. I had around 1/3 of it then chucked it out the window.
I just want to be 44 kilos.


I love, love LOVE you all,
Anafly
xxx

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Formspring

so so so so beautiful, so fragile, so gorgeous.
I love it.

Anonymous: You are a twig

Anafly: Is that meant to be an insult, a compliment or perhaps just a statement?
either way I'm taking it as a compliment, so thankyooooooooooooooooou :)
btw is this R?

Anonymous: no it's not 'R' just an observation go eat some meat hun cos if you don't your gunna die of anorexia...

Anafly: I'm sorry but I'm vegetarian so no, I won't go 'eat some meat'. Obviously you're not a close friend because this is actually quie harsh. If you really cared about me, which I don't think you do AT ALL, you would at least have the dignity and respect to talk to me in person or on fb and not on anonymous.
And don't call me hun, I'm not your 'hun'.
Seriously, who are you? and what makes you think you have the right to talk to me like that?
huppphhh

R: Look guiseeeeeeeeeeeeee, Anafly eats like a fat person. Seriously, if you saw her wolf down that pizza on Sunday, phwoaaaaaaaar you're wrong (Don't worry, it was still attractive, not gross) Just because she's thin doesn't mean she's anorexic. I love you Anafly.

I have so many mixed reactions about this.
First off I'm so happy that someone has noticed something, even if they are anonymous.
Secondly, I'm glad that my close friend R hasn't noticed anything (mainly thanks to the fact that I try and eat lots around her, but I got offended by the 'eats like a fat person' part) but I'm also annoyed with her.
I mean, if someone I barely know notices something, why can't she?
My mum told me that a couple of my friends' mums' are worried about me and my weight at the moment but how come my friends haven't seemed to notice?
Or heck, even care?

Anyway, I'm actually in a fairly good mood today even though I'm sick, which this post doesn't really show haha.
Love Anafly
xxx