Sunday, January 30, 2011


Thought I'd let you guys know that *Ruby LoveBird* and I are starting up the SGD diet again tomorrow.
Day 1 = 400 calories.
Wish us luck.
Love you all, you beautiful, beautiful darlings.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

It's a Beautiful Day

Today has been a good day. I went out shopping and handing out resumes with K and for some reason when I'm with K I tend to eat a lot (I still ate under the recommended amount)... I think it's because I really enjoy her friendship and company and I don't feel the need to restrict.

1/3 cup of Guardian cereal with some skim milk and 1/4 of a nectarine = 53 calories

Small vegetarian sushi lunch pack = 221 calories (over estimating here)
Shared a rocky road bar with K = 180 calories
A small thing of melted chocolate called a 'Chocolate Lick' = 309 calories (over estimating a lot here I think)

Wholemeal pasta salad
Black lentil and beetroot salad
3/4 of a Flathead filet
= 529

All up it equals 1310 calories BUUUUUUUT we literally were out for seven hours so minus the bus trips, the trying on clothes and the sitting down to eat we did five hours of walking which burned 783 calories which leaves my total days intake to 527 calories! Yes, it's still more than I would have liked but I over estimated a lot of it. I'm so happy with that. I am quite thrilled at the moment even though I have a belly filled with food.

Tomorrow I'm going to a relative's third birthday party where there's going to be a loooot of temptation. I think I'll allow myself some goodies as long as I walk around/play around a lot. After all, the next day I'm back at school and will be back in routine.

I hope your days have been filled with sunshine, laughter and love!
I love you all,

ps. as you can see, I had quite the sweet tooth today hehehe

pps. I would upload some thinspirational pictures for you darlings but my uploader seems to be on the blink

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

This, my beautiful girls, is an apology and thank you's

Let me start off with saying sorry.
I'm sorry that I've kind of neglected (for the lack of a better word) you guys and your blogs but I've tried to comment your blogs as often as I can. Has it been enough?
I'm also sorry for worrying you guys, if I did.

red your comment really meant a lot to me and made me realise how stupid and selfish I was being. You were worried for me because I hadn't posted for a while after my last post. For me.
I also want to thank you for the comment you left on my other post which said:
"But your weight loss has told me that being bulimic is stupid and I'm trying to change." A bit further on it also says "But thanks for making me realise what I was doing was dumb."
You really are a sweet heart.

I was finding it hard to blog because I just didn't know how to put what I was feeling in words. The emotions I were and am feeling are more complicated than I have ever experienced.
All of your comments have shown how much you all care, which makes my heart bubble with so much love for you guys and so much care.

Bree's Journey... thank you ever so much for commenting on my posts almost straight after I post them. Your support and engouraging words mean so much.

Bella you always amaze and inspire me. Always. Thank you for always commenting, thank you for your mature and level-headed ideas and comments. Thank you for your words that always seem to slightly heal my wounds.

Night_Flower I'm glad I'm 'stuck' with you. Thank you for always commenting, thank you for always being so lovely and understanding.

determined girl thank you for always commenting. Thank you for leaving me long comments that I always enjoy reading and that bring tears to my eyes because what you have to say really makes me feel so much better and moves me. And you're right. It is the struggle to becoming thin that makes us feel so accomplished. If there was no loss there would be no gain. I've been doing amazing? I'm an inspiration? Really? My oh my, I love you.

marsh.sara thank you for saying I'm one of the sweetest girls on here, you're an absolute darling.

Iris, this may sound silly, but I think I needed to be told that I'm, in fact, underweight. That seems to not register with my brain, or ana, at times. Thank you for saying that I'm "most probably gorgeous." You're a sweet heart.

I have to thank you all, not just those who comment but also those who follow this blog and read it. Thank you for sticking by me through my good and bad days, thank you for offering me your love and support. I wish I could find you all now and give you all great massive hugs as well as a bunch of flowers and a subscription to your favourite thinspo magazine ;)

I have one other thing to say, before when I was 47 kilos I wanted to lose weight. Now I'm 48 kilos and I feel so much heavier. I look in the mirror and see a girl who needs to lose weight. I want to go back to 47 kilos and then lose more but my eating hasn't been strict enough for that to happen. This all worries me. I'm second guessing myself and my personality. Am I actually good at that? Am I able to do that? Am I as good as I think I am? Is anything that I want to achieve possible?

I love you all so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so
so so so so so so so so so much.

ps. I went for my drivers licence today and failed. I feel kind of pathetic actually hehe.

Friday, January 21, 2011

The Truth Is

I'm a fucking FAT and ugly excuse for an anorexic.
Stop wasting your time with me.
I completely understand if you decide to stop following me.
I love you all,

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I'm in Quite a Whimsical State

I feel like I'm almost floating
Today started off a really chilled day. I woke up at 11, my mum's friend was here and they spent most of the day talking. I had a sushi roll for breakfast (260 calories) but I had planned that if I slept in the sushi roll could count as both brekky and lunch. I know that it's still a LOT of calories that isn't good enough but I love sushi :/
I'm going to a picnic tomorrow not that you'replanning on eating anything so once I'd eaten I decided to look for things that I could cook. I love cooking, it makes me feel calm and it surprisingly suppresses my appetite you still eat way too much. I chose to make pumpkin scones, vanilla cupcakes, fruit skewers and choc chip cupcakes; all by scratch, might I had (sorry I'm a little bit cheeky). So I went to the fruit shop then got home and got stuck into cooking the vanilla cupcakes which my were already half eaten by my family before I moved on. I didn't have any, like a good little girl but you licked the spoon you fat cow.
I then moved onto the pumpkin scones. I've never had them or made them before but my mum said that Grandma used to make them all the time and that they were the best. My mum also said that Grandma would be watching me make them saying "That's my Granddaughter", which was sweet of her to say. Not that we're religious or anything, but... spiritual.
Anyway, the scones were a lot harder to make than thought. The dough didn't really turn out like a dough, more like glue so I had to keep adding tons of flour. As we were making them though (let me know if this happens to you, I get it quite often but it normally happens when I stand up too quickly) I could tell what was about to come on. I felt tingly and then, as it usually does, my eyes went black, my ears started to ring a bit and I had to sit down. Kind of like blacking out? I hate it when it happens. Once it passed I got back up to cook the scones but it happened again and i had to sit down. Is it because of my food intake or something? I hadn't eaten for six hours. My mum said I looked really pale, almost green and so I couldn't go to Zumba and burn away those disgusting calories and that fat.
Later on she said I might not of eaten enough but I said I had. She tried to make me have some pasta I said 'yes of course' but never got up to eat it. She wants me to have a blood test... does this mean the doctor will find anything out? you need to shed these kilos that you gained overseas and then get down to 44 kilos.

My whole days intake ended up being 397 calories you fat arse.

I just finished the choc chip cupcakes and am making the fruit skewers in the morning. Not that I plan on eating any of this, or if I have to I'll have a fruit skewer.

Tomorrows plan:
brekky: a tomato; 16 cals
lunch: a fruit skewer; 62 cals
dinner (if I can use the excuse 'I ate too much at the picnic'): a tomato; 16

Which will equal to 94 calories. Sounds too good to be true. If I slip up and have a cupcake that would equal 337... but 94 sounds so much nicer.

fingers crossed for me please, my beautiful butterflies

Monday, January 17, 2011

Howling at the moon

My body feels battered and bruised on the inside emotionally. I don't know who I can count on in life at the moment. Everyone I have loved has at some stage moved away. Feel free to ignore this lonely girl just crying out into nothingness; like a wolf howling at the moon. I don't even fully understand myself at times. Just then I threw a perfectly good meal of fish, rice and salad over the fence because I'd already eaten my dinner: a rice cake with a teaspoon of avocado, a rice cake with a thimble full of light philadelphia and another rice cake with four slithers of banana. All under 150 calories. I'm damn proud of that though, the thought of eating what my dad prepared didn't even cross my mind. Ana is here for me when no one is physically. Thank you ana for caring for me.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

It takes a strong person to hold back their tears but a courageous person not to

First off, thank you Bella and NightFlower for your sweet comments last post. Oh and Nightflower this may sound odd but I'm glad you're back :)

Now to begin my first full on proper post of the year. My trip was amazing. Absolutely amazing, but not so much food wise, I'll get on to that a bit later.

When I was at the Australian airport waiting to fly to Bangkok I bought Portia De Rossi's book to read on the plane and to read in Bangkok. When my mum saw me buying it she said "That's about her battle with anorexia", saying it in a way that sounded like what she really wanted to say was "You shouldn't get it" but I bought it anyway and loved it. It was so raw and so honest and because of that it was beautiful to read. It almost felt like she was talking to me. I even have to admit that it made me tear up because it was a book that I could relate to; the things she said, did and felt. It was an absolutely amazing read, I reccomend it. Originally I was scared that after I read it I would want to 'recover' or 'stop' my 'anorexia' as the book showed how she recovered from it, but I'm glad to say that it didn't. Now, in Thailand my eating wasn't... well, let's just say... impressive. The breakfast was a buffet breakfast so on many of the days I overdid it on black bean buns, noodles, fruit and cream buns (one of my fave foods) but I thought that if I ate a lot then I wouldn't eat lunch. I wasn't ever hungry for lunch because I was so full but only on one of the three days in Bangkok did I manage not to eat lunch because on one of the days I was forced to eat a rare Thai snack thing called Meam Kum (even though I didn't want to eat it it was delicious) then on another day a woman at the bar saw that I wasn't eating anything so peeled a green and red apple for me to eat. My dad forced me to eat half of each to be polite. Then for dinners I always ate in front of my family so had to eat normally. I sometimes even over-ate just so that I could compltey throw off any suspicion. I did a lot of walking in Thailand though so I hope that made up for it all.

Then we went to England to see the family. It was like -5 degrees and there was snow and ice on the ground everywhere. It hasn't snowed in this part of England since my dad was six. I also saw snow fall for the first time I remember; it was so beautiful.

Anyway, I practically ate like a normal person when I was in there. I ate so much that it's actually disgusting. I had food thrown at me everywhere and had to be polite and eat a lot of it as I hadn't seen most of my family for four years. I had a bowl of porridge for breakfast every day and I tried to be healthy when we went out for dinner but everytime my Uncle saw that I wasn't eating something he would offer me something to eat. By offer I mean he would hamd over food and not leave me alone until I ate it. In England the food is really full on fatty. Sometimes I found that I just wouldn't stop eating once I started. I was in eat mode. When dessert was offered I would always have seconds. Eating was also a good way to keep warm. I think I knew once the New Year came around it would be restrict restrict restrict so I was making the most of it. I felt so lost without scales and when I looked in the mirrow I could tell that I was putting on weight and it made me so angry with myself but because I was on holidays and trying to enjoy my overseas trip I didn't have the determination to restrict. Until one day I found scales in my Bamwah's (Grandma's) bathroom. This was a little while after christmas so I knew I'd put on some weight because it was a major eat fest, but I wasn't prepared for what was about to come. I stood on the scales with my boots and winter gear and saw a number that I hadn't in a long long time. 53 kilos. A gain of six. I was mortified and disgusted and yet I still ate, but I was starting to eat less. The New Year's resolutions I made then and there were (and still are):
  • Aim to eat around 400 calories a day but if I eat between 400-500 it is ok and isn't worthy of a complete freak out
  • My diet should be made up of healthy foods that are low in calories, not fake or unhealthy foods just because they are low in calories
  • Top all of my classes
After two weeks in England we then stopped in Bali for a week to get over jet lag and to avoid a 24 hour flight from England to Australia. Bali was my saviour. For breakfast I was eating fruit, lunch and dinner I was eating veggies and I was calorie counting. I was eating more than I would have liked, an average of 600 calories a day, but that was much better than England which I estimate was probably in the thousand mark. There was a day when I was forced to eat an ice cream sundae by my mum and brother who had noticed that I hadn't been eating desserts and only fruit and veg. I felt so disgusting as I ate half of it (my dad ate the other half) and when I walked past the pool I felt like I was doing the walk of shame. They could all tell what I'd just eaten and they too were disgusted by it.

Once the trip was over and I was home I jumped on the scales, expecting 53 kilos. I was so surprised and extactic to read 48.5 kilos! During my time in Bali I had lost most of the weight I had gained from England and my whole overseas weight gain was now only 1.5 kilos!! Of course now I plan on working it all off and to get lower than the 47 kilos I was before.

My eating plan for 2011 is to continue only drinking water and occasionally alcohol at parties only if it fits in my calorie limit, eat fruit, veggies and wholemeal rice cakes with a little bit of light philadelphia cheese. I feel really positive about my eating this year. I feel less attracted to junk food and am finding it easier to stay under 400 calories since my two week binge in England.

I'm finding it a bit weird getting back into the social scene now I'm back, but I guess I've only been here a day and a half. I hope I get used to it soon or I'm going to be depressed. My best friend moved six hours away while I was overseas, another is still on holidays and it seems like some of my friends didn't really miss me. I dunno, I guess I just feel a little bit lonely at the moment. There's almost a part of me that wants to get hospitalised with anorexia so that friends and family notice and do something about the fact I miss them all and the fact that it feels like everyone close to me has moved away.

Oh! I also have something else to say. As I was leaving England and the first couple of days in Bali I was finding it really hard not to burst into tears because I didn't want to say goodbye to my family in England, they're practically my only family and I only get to see them roughly every four years. I love them. I think that one of the reasons I ate so much was because I was so happy and loved being with my family, so I didn't care. This all lead me to create a little sentence that I believe whole-heartedly in: It takes a strong person to hold back their tears but a courageous person not too. I always hold back my tears and ignore them because I'm too scared to cry in front of people. I hate showing my emotions. I only like to show happiness.

Sorry guys that this post is a bit all over the place and I'm sorry if that makes it hard to understand, I'm just still jet-lagged and am really tired. I know I haven't included everything that I've wanted to say so if you have any questions or want to hear more about the actual trip, please let me know.

Love you always,
ps. When I was away I had a nightmare that a lot of you left me and that I only had 17 followers. I'm glad that hasn't happened and I now have 39 followers! Welcome new comers!

Saturday, January 15, 2011


I have missed you all so so so so so much. I knew I would but I missed you a lot more than I originally thought. There were so many times that I wished to conact you guys but couldn't and there were so many times when I thought "I wish I could post that". I am so so jet-lagged, I've only been home for a couple of hours but I just had to let you know that I am now back. The whole time I was away my weight and my eating was a rollercoaster so there is much to tell and tomorrow I will sit down and write it all out. Prepare yourselves. There will be a lot. I'm so glad to be back, I'm going to now try and catch up on your blogs.
I love you all more than ever,