I hate that word, I really do and failure is the reason that I haven't been on Blogger for ages.
I'm so so so so fat.
I was once 46 kilos, the lowest I'd ever been and my doctor told me to put on weight.
I got sick, it got colder and for some strange reason the next thing I know, I'm eight kilos heavier.
I don't know what it is.
I try to restrict, but at times I can't.
I'm still eating under 1000 calories a day, some days I'm eating around 500... but for me, that's too much.
I used to eat 360 a day.
I don't know what's happened.
I want ot get back to that 46 kilos. I don't feel like I deserve (for the lack of a better word) to be called Anorexic... at times I have bulimic tendencies but without the purging... I'm just a big fat failure.
I feel like I haven't deserved to post on here because of all this and that's why I've been putting it off. I knew that if I posted here I had to face the music and accept that I've become fat (even though according to my doctor I'm only almost in the healthy range or my height but I don't believe it).
My stomach is disgusting; I look at photos of me just from a couple of months ago where I was skinny, I actually looked like a stick.... but now I don't.
I've felt like I haven't deserved to post here and I've felt like I've let you all down. I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm in, any pointers? I really need it.
I love all of you so so so so so so so so so much and even though I haven't been posting, I've been thinking about you all every day.
I know that you can help me through this.
I love you all.