Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Failure

I hate that word, I really do and failure is the reason that I haven't been on Blogger for ages.


I'm fat.


I'm so so so so fat.


I was once 46 kilos, the lowest I'd ever been and my doctor told me to put on weight.


I got sick, it got colder and for some strange reason the next thing I know, I'm eight kilos heavier.


I don't know what it is.


I try to restrict, but at times I can't.


I'm still eating under 1000 calories a day, some days I'm eating around 500... but for me, that's too much.


I used to eat 360 a day.


I don't know what's happened.


I want ot get back to that 46 kilos. I don't feel like I deserve (for the lack of a better word) to be called Anorexic... at times I have bulimic tendencies but without the purging... I'm just a big fat failure.


I feel like I haven't deserved to post on here because of all this and that's why I've been putting it off. I knew that if I posted here I had to face the music and accept that I've become fat (even though according to my doctor I'm only almost in the healthy range or my height but I don't believe it).


My stomach is disgusting; I look at photos of me just from a couple of months ago where I was skinny, I actually looked like a stick.... but now I don't.


I've felt like I haven't deserved to post here and I've felt like I've let you all down. I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm in, any pointers? I really need it.


I love all of you so so so so so so so so so much and even though I haven't been posting, I've been thinking about you all every day.


I know that you can help me through this.


I love you all.


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7 comments:

  1. AlexJune 7, 2011 at 10:34 PM

    Oh darling, it will be okay. You can lose the weight again. We're here to help :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. BrooklynnJune 9, 2011 at 2:09 AM

    I'm in the same place, except I'm not underweight. You've given me the courage to post again, so thank you. You can do it. We can do it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. pixistix14June 10, 2011 at 12:18 PM

    Little monster,

    You aren't a failure. There are ups and downs in every aspect of life... Just when the sun thought all was lost, he rose again :)
    And so will you!
    We all love and support you.
    Your words are beautiful and pure.
    xoxox
    take care love!

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousJune 10, 2011 at 3:45 PM

    This exact thing happened to me, when I fell ill at the beginning of the year.
    You can do it, though. You're stronger than me.

    <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousJune 13, 2011 at 1:39 AM

    or getting out of the rut i recommend fresh air, and lots of it too. make yourself go on a walk, get out of the house, it could help refresh you, rebuild your strength - you can do it darling, we believe in you, xo

    ReplyDelete
  6. JéanneJune 13, 2011 at 2:16 AM

    Hey, Babe!

    Thank you for being my 100th follower. Here is your prize!

    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pA0cej9MbE4/TZ6PeIfTNlI/AAAAAAAAAr4/iO-tBkMHUv8/s1600/128977130083491314.jpg

    Have a great day! <3. XXX.

    ReplyDelete
  7. The Secret MeJune 15, 2011 at 9:37 AM

    Oh darling I know how it is. I have packed on the weight too!!
    Go for a walk love.... a really nice long walk!
    I would do it too but I need my ipod and atm it is dead and I can't find the charger D:
    You haven't let us down, because as your car may have broken down it is easy to fix and be on you way again love


    stay strong beautiful
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete

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