Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Failure

I hate that word, I really do and failure is the reason that I haven't been on Blogger for ages.


I'm fat.


I'm so so so so fat.


I was once 46 kilos, the lowest I'd ever been and my doctor told me to put on weight.


I got sick, it got colder and for some strange reason the next thing I know, I'm eight kilos heavier.


I don't know what it is.


I try to restrict, but at times I can't.


I'm still eating under 1000 calories a day, some days I'm eating around 500... but for me, that's too much.


I used to eat 360 a day.


I don't know what's happened.


I want ot get back to that 46 kilos. I don't feel like I deserve (for the lack of a better word) to be called Anorexic... at times I have bulimic tendencies but without the purging... I'm just a big fat failure.


I feel like I haven't deserved to post on here because of all this and that's why I've been putting it off. I knew that if I posted here I had to face the music and accept that I've become fat (even though according to my doctor I'm only almost in the healthy range or my height but I don't believe it).


My stomach is disgusting; I look at photos of me just from a couple of months ago where I was skinny, I actually looked like a stick.... but now I don't.


I've felt like I haven't deserved to post here and I've felt like I've let you all down. I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm in, any pointers? I really need it.


I love all of you so so so so so so so so so much and even though I haven't been posting, I've been thinking about you all every day.


I know that you can help me through this.


I love you all.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

7 comments:

  1. Oh darling, it will be okay. You can lose the weight again. We're here to help :)

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  2. I'm in the same place, except I'm not underweight. You've given me the courage to post again, so thank you. You can do it. We can do it.

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  3. Little monster,

    You aren't a failure. There are ups and downs in every aspect of life... Just when the sun thought all was lost, he rose again :)
    And so will you!
    We all love and support you.
    Your words are beautiful and pure.
    xoxox
    take care love!

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  4. This exact thing happened to me, when I fell ill at the beginning of the year.
    You can do it, though. You're stronger than me.

    <3

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  5. or getting out of the rut i recommend fresh air, and lots of it too. make yourself go on a walk, get out of the house, it could help refresh you, rebuild your strength - you can do it darling, we believe in you, xo

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey, Babe!

    Thank you for being my 100th follower. Here is your prize!

    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pA0cej9MbE4/TZ6PeIfTNlI/AAAAAAAAAr4/iO-tBkMHUv8/s1600/128977130083491314.jpg

    Have a great day! <3. XXX.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh darling I know how it is. I have packed on the weight too!!
    Go for a walk love.... a really nice long walk!
    I would do it too but I need my ipod and atm it is dead and I can't find the charger D:
    You haven't let us down, because as your car may have broken down it is easy to fix and be on you way again love


    stay strong beautiful
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete

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