Thank you so much haze, determined girl, The Secret Me, Anna and B. for your beautiful comments, it's so reassuring to know that I will always be welcomed back with open arms, that I have a place where I know that every part of me is accepted. I love you all.
It's odd how this 'eating thing' starts and grows... To this day it's impossible to explain that jump from 'life not going well' to 'lose weight to no end, that'll fix it' but I'm sure you guys will understand. It's odd the way it tears away from you and then pulls you back in... at least that's what it has done to me. There are theories, sure -- I'm insecure, my life is unstable -- but people are still left standing asking 'why?'
It's a fair question. Why? Why would a well-off, passably pretty, passably talented girl dream and dream of destroying herself in the way that I do? After all, I don't have 'problems'. I'm not disabled, or terminally ill, or physically bullied, or sexually abused, or starving to death in Africa. I'm 'starving' myself in Australia.
I don't know... I enjoy the calorie counting... it calms me. I plan my days eating in the morning or even a day before but of course there are days when a spanner is chucked in the works. Today for example, I planned on eating around 500 calories and burning roughly the same amount but no, I get home and mum had bought me two rolls of sushi and a mini cake... so of course I eat that and my days intake has jumped up to 900... the gym is soon though so I'm alright for now... I can feel the fat hanging off my bones. I just feel oily and, well, fat. I can't wait to work it all off. I can't handle this feeling right now.
I've stopped seeing my psychiatrist which I'm happy about. She was lovely but I couldn't continue seeing her when I knew I wasn't being 100% honest. I thought I was ready for recovery when I went... but I'm not. Which makes me happy...
Things are all about to change... I graduate in a week and a half, followed by a month of exams and then high school is over for me forever. It's incredibly daunting even though I know I should be excited. I also have to go to the beach next week which I'm incredibly anxious about. I'm not ready. My body is not ready. No one wants to see this.
I have a party this Friday that I'm looking forward to, I'm planning on keeping my calories low but my alcohol intake high and I'm going to dance dance dance (burn burn burn). Ha. That sounds a bit messed up. Oh, there's also a guy in my life at the moment. We're not officially going out but... who knows. I guess I'll elaborate more on that later.
I'm sorry if my thoughts are ramshackled and all over the place.
Again, I love you all to bits.