Wednesday, September 12, 2012

It's a Cycle

Thank you so much hazedetermined girlThe Secret MeAnna and B. for your beautiful comments, it's so reassuring to know that I will always be welcomed back with open arms, that I have a place where I know that every part of me is accepted. I love you all.

It's odd how this 'eating thing' starts and grows... To this day it's impossible to explain that jump from 'life not going well' to 'lose weight to no end, that'll fix it' but I'm sure you guys will understand. It's odd the way it tears away from you and then pulls you back in... at least that's what it has done to me. There are theories, sure -- I'm insecure, my life is unstable -- but people are still left standing asking 'why?'

It's a fair question. Why? Why would a well-off, passably pretty, passably talented girl dream and dream of destroying herself in the way that I do? After all, I don't have 'problems'. I'm not disabled, or terminally ill, or physically bullied, or sexually abused, or starving to death in Africa. I'm 'starving' myself in Australia.

I don't know... I enjoy the calorie counting... it calms me. I plan my days eating in the morning or even a day before but of course there are days when a spanner is chucked in the works. Today for example, I planned on eating around 500 calories and burning roughly the same amount but no, I get home and mum had bought me two rolls of sushi and a mini cake... so of course I eat that and my days intake has jumped up to 900... the gym is soon though so I'm alright for now... I can feel the fat hanging off my bones. I just feel oily and, well, fat. I can't wait to work it all off. I can't handle this feeling right now.

I've stopped seeing my psychiatrist which I'm happy about. She was lovely but I couldn't continue seeing her when I knew I wasn't being 100% honest. I thought I was ready for recovery when I went... but I'm not. Which makes me happy...

Things are all about to change... I graduate in a week and a half, followed by a month of exams and then high school is over for me forever. It's incredibly daunting even though I know I should be excited. I also have to go to the beach next week which I'm incredibly anxious about. I'm not ready. My body is not ready. No one wants to see this.

I have a party this Friday that I'm looking forward to, I'm planning on keeping my calories low but my alcohol intake high and I'm going to dance dance dance (burn burn burn). Ha. That sounds a bit messed up. Oh, there's also a guy in my life at the moment. We're not officially going out but... who knows. I guess I'll elaborate more on that later.

I'm sorry if my thoughts are ramshackled and all over the place.
Again, I love you all to bits.


  1. You're so right about how calming the counting and restricting is - its just so ordered! I'm feeling so great now I'm back to it!
    I'm sure no one else can tell, it's only you that thinks about the fat, but I know that doesnt help - don't worry, you can burn it off and it's not enough calories to make you put on even half a pound, so try not to worry!
    Good luck with graduating :) and looking forward so hearing about this guy!
    Lottie x

  2. god i know exactly what ur talking abt here...its like we seem so normal and continually strive to be perfect on the outside but inside its like our goal in life is to destroy ourselves...all in the name of that outside perfection...makes no sense. 900 cals is still below ur BMR so dnt worry too much! besides ur going to the gym later anyway. i have a ton of tests and college apps next month too so i know how u feel girl, so stressful...but we'll pull through! definitely! stay strong<3

  3. your welcome darling! it's always great to read your blog! great to have you back. WE LOVE YOU X!
    I understand how that vine grows. you feel perfectly fine and then one day it just starts to grow and spread through your mind without any explanation. The calorie counting is something of a ritual and it does calm me in a weird way, a good sort of control... you know?
    Can't wait to hear more about this boy, and the rest of your life xxx

  4. i claim im "recovered" currently in my blog but i think i have claimed this, like 5 other times in my life, and i get sucked right back in. im trying very hard to be "healthy" but i know that any comment from someone, any meal, or any peak at the scale or mirror could send me right back to that dark place.

  5. Thank you so much for commenting on my last post, darling, and for following my new blog.
    You're wonderful, I missed you more than you could imagine.
    I'm sending you so much love, right now.
    Everything you feel, it's all so familiar; the logic, and calming, to calorie counting. The way shrinking makes sense, when nothing else does.
    It's all funny and backward, and twisted somewhat, but it all seems to make perfect sense in a twisted mind, doesn't it?

    Much love, darling.
    Take care; you're so precious.

  6. I found your blog a while ago, but I never really read everything. I don't even know why... In the early morning today (it's 11:21 now) I started reading, and now I finished your last post.
    Pheeew, you've been going through so much. I can relate to so many things, which makes me happy and sad at the same time. I hate to see other people suffering from kinda like the same stuff as me. But I'm glad to see that I'm not alone. Well, You wrote something like that too, so you know what I mean...
    I just wanted to tell you how much I love your blog.
    All the best <3

  7. I know just what you mean.. at least I feel it too. It's so good to have everything under control, to plan and then have a feeling of success - even doubled by the additional weight loss after keeping low on cals.
    I'm new around here and find I have to catch up on lots, but I think I'll read over your blog tomorrow, as I find you to be a great and interesting girl! I also like the ways you describe your relationship with your psychiatrist - have been there too and couldn't handle it either. Just felt wrong. I hope you stay strong - and like "stillimagining" said - it's under your bmr and you should be alright :) I'm really looking forward to hear - or rather read ;) - more of your story! Love and sweet dreams! Ah, and good luck for graduation, too! :D

  8. hey, i'm back too! how my therapist would frown, but this place just feels safe. the recovery of the body is so much easier than the recovery of the mind.
    i hope youre doing okay, especially after your message from hospital :/ i've been out of touch for about half aa year, no internet in my hospital!

  9. I miss you, babe.
    Hope you're doing well.

  10. Just dropped by to say... I think of you often, my love, and from the bottom of my heart, I hope that now you feel as beautiful outside as you are inside. I wish you that you never feel the need to come back here again, but then, if you ever do return, you can be sure that my love for you will have never disappeared, that I will be there-- always, and anytime you might ever need me.

    Love you. Always have, always will.
    I sincerely hope you have found the happiness you truly deserve.



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