Hello guys, I know that it's been a long long long time, a terribly long time and for that I am truly sorry.
It's just, life changes, you know? It can be hard to keep up.
Since being here last I have finished High School exams, stopped seeing the guy I was seeing because he cheated on me, have cut the poisonous friends out of my life, started a new job, have planned a trip overseas and am in my first year of uni and I am happy.
So so happy.
It is odd to think that a whole life shake up can change things.
I have also become vegan which has also helped me become one with my eating, I eat what I want when I want it and it is not often that my body craves sweets, instead craving things that fuel it. This has helped my minds transition.
I will never be full free of my anorexia, I know that as I always think about food and think about calories at the subconscious of my mind... but at the same time, I'm not worried about food.
I don't write everything down that I've eaten, I don't get anxious and stress and worry about what I eat and I no longer count calories.
There are of course days where I miss my anorexia fueled life but I have become so much happier with who I am as a person.
This past is still a secret though... I haven't told my parents or family with fear of how they react but I have opened up to a few friends.
One day I want to become a bit more public about my eating disorder and try and help those who are suffocated by it but for that I am not ready yet, I am doing things at my own pace. My eating disorder is still at times difficult to face and I know that to fully recover I need to face it head on instead of ignoring it and pushing it to the side like I do but the thought of doing that intimidates me. One day I will be strong enough to do that, I promise.
My goal is to one day is become famous in the career that I choose and use that to make people more aware of eating disorders and the best way to respond to them, as I am still disgusted how they are handled in this day and age.
I also wish I could tell you all how I have managed to get to where I am now but to be honest I am not too sure how... I guess I could say I'm 'lucky' that my mind seemed to fight the disorder without my consent, which angered me to no end at first but now I don't really know how I feel about that. I also surrounded myself with loving and caring people, which definitely helps.
If you are wanting to recover, remove yourself from any and every toxic situations that you are in.
I just want to let you guys know that everything will be ok. I know that sounds so cheesy and filled with false hope but it will and you have to believe it will. There is an amazing world out there waiting for you to grab it with both hands and do with it what you want.
You are an amazing person.
You deserve to get better.
You deserve to look after yourself.
You deserve to eat.
You deserve to eat and keep it down.
I love you.
I also have to say that no matter what people who don't understand this world may think, this blog has been an amazing source of help for me. There were some people here that did fuel my eating disorder on, I hate to say (ok I have one person in mind but they don't use blogger anymore) but the rest of you have been amazing and so supportive. You made this disease feel less isolating and helped me know that I am not the only one out there thinking and feeling the same things.
I am going to keep this blog up and look in ever so often to see how people are going but I have created another blog now that is not related to this one at all, where I can focus on being a healthier me. I do have to say though that it is still much easier to write here as I can be as honest and truthful about my feelings as I want.
So, finally, to clarify, I have never been in recovery or gone to hospital, I am still doing this all my self but I am definitely a stronger person now and instead of being passionate, driven and determined in regards to my eating disorder I have used that passion to help excel in life and to follow my dreams.
I love you all so so so so much.
Lots of love,