- Blogger wasn't letting me log in for quite some time, it directed me to a page saying 'FAILURE' which freaked me out a little bit because I thought that meant I wasn't going to be able to post on here ever again haha.
- Now this is the main reason. I find it hard for me to post on here when I have been a failure. I don't seem to have the control that I once did, I don't have the control that brought me down to the beautiful 46 kilos I once was. I want to post on here all the time, I really do, but I don't deserve it. I am a big fat massive failure who at the moment doesn't have anything positive to say.
I had a break down the other day, my first proper one for a while. I cried and cried over all the weight that I'd put back on (I'm not a crier). I fell to the floor and all. I screamed and shouted at myself and then, in a dream-like state I called the helpline and spoke to someone about it all. About everything I could think of and it helped. It helped to speak to someone but it still doesn't change the fact that I want to tear my hair out and just cut myself up into little pieces. I told Afro nearly everything. I love him and even though he understands he doesn't understand at the same time. How can he if he doesn't know how deep this runs and how bad I am mentally at the moment, it's the worst I've been for ages; heck I only just realised this for myself.
There are days when I want help but there is no one who can help me. I'm not being a massive drama queen, even though I'm good at it, but I have thought about it and there isn't anyone. Unless I wanted professional help but I don't have that kind of money. I don't care though. I've learnt that I have to live with this for the rest of my life and even though at times I hate that, I love it too.
What I loved most about being fully and completely in my anorexia was that I had goals and purpose. Now I'm a fat girl with anorexia trying to claw it's way back out and even though I'm letting it, no weight is being lost and no eating improvements are being made. Now I'm just lost.
I haven't seen any friends or been social or gone anywhere (apart from grocery shopping but that doesn't count) for the last 5-6 days and I don't mind. Wow, since when did I become depressing?
Hm. What a great first post of the year.
I love you all ever so much my darlings
ps. I read all your previous comments and I love you all to bits. I hope your holiday seasons have been kind.