Tuesday, January 17, 2012


I am sorry for this short absence (three weeks, was it?) but I do have my reasons:

  1. Blogger wasn't letting me log in for quite some time, it directed me to a page saying 'FAILURE' which freaked me out a little bit because I thought that meant I wasn't going to be able to post on here ever again haha.
  2. Now this is the main reason. I find it hard for me to post on here when I have been a failure. I don't seem to have the control that I once did, I don't have the control that brought me down to the beautiful 46 kilos I once was. I want to post on here all the time, I really do, but I don't deserve it. I am a big fat massive failure who at the moment doesn't have anything positive to say.
I had a break down the other day, my first proper one for a while. I cried and cried over all the weight that I'd put back on (I'm not a crier). I fell to the floor and all. I screamed and shouted at myself and then, in a dream-like state I called the helpline and spoke to someone about it all. About everything I could think of and it helped. It helped to speak to someone but it still doesn't change the fact that I want to tear my hair out and just cut myself up into little pieces. I told Afro nearly everything. I love him and even though he understands he doesn't understand at the same time. How can he if he doesn't know how deep this runs and how bad I am mentally at the moment, it's the worst I've been for ages; heck I only just realised this for myself.
There are days when I want help but there is no one who can help me. I'm not being a massive drama queen, even though I'm good at it, but I have thought about it and there isn't anyone. Unless I wanted professional help but I don't have that kind of money. I don't care though. I've learnt that I have to live with this for the rest of my life and even though at times I hate that, I love it too.
What I loved most about being fully and completely in my anorexia was that I had goals and purpose. Now I'm a fat girl with anorexia trying to claw it's way back out and even though I'm letting it, no weight is being lost and no eating improvements are being made. Now I'm just lost.
I haven't seen any friends or been social or gone anywhere (apart from grocery shopping but that doesn't count) for the last 5-6 days and I don't mind. Wow, since when did I become depressing?
Hm. What a great first post of the year.

I love you all ever so much my darlings
ps. I read all your previous comments and I love you all to bits. I hope your holiday seasons have been kind.


  1. heya lovey,

    firstly, welcome back, I missed you! And blogger stuffs up with me quite a lot too. It also doesn't always tell me about blog updates so I miss out on quite a bit. I'm just used to that now. Technology *sighs*.

    Secondly, hun, I'm sure you didn't put on all that much weight. Also, putting on weight over the holiday season is just...well, it just happens. Just work at getting it off again, that's all that we can do after the fact. Yes, I put on weight too. It's nothing to beat yourself up over. I bet a lot of the reasoning behind the weight gain was being around lots of family and needing to eat or someone would notice.

    Also, you can always talk to me if you want. I am a doctor, not a psychiatrist mind you, but my bosses in psychiatry always did like me. If you do want to talk to me, with or without my doctor hat on, you can just email me. giant_macaroni@hotmail.com if you're ever that way inclined.

    Don't beat yourself up over what happened. It's a new year, make a new start. Forget all that shit, it's done, it's passed but you still have a chance to change the future.

  2. Welcome back sweetie <3 Blogger keeps messing me around too, dw about it! I agree with the above, putting on weight over the holidays is just the way it goes, we have all gained something, i know i have! Try not to beat yourself up about it, we are all in the same boat :( xx

  3. We're all lost in one way or another.
    Whatever you gained, you can lose. Don't worry, we'll all get to our goals.

    Something like that happened to me too and I freaked out badly.

    All and all, I'm glad you're back. I don't care whether you are posting positive (which I like how you seem to maintain that) or depressing post. I just want to know that you're okay and for the most part, well.
    Take care hon ♥

  4. Ohhh, I'm sorry it's been difficult for you lately, darling. Please don't give up. We can do this! You can do this.

    Love yah.

  5. I'm glad you're back, I missed you.
    I know that there is nothing I can say that will make you feel better but I completely understand how you feel. And it's hard.
    I'm always here if you want to talk, you can email me whenever you want. Turns out that I have no social life and the bad weather is keeping me inside. I heard its not much better in Sydney.

    I hope you start feeling better soon, things will start to look up soon. I promise. Just hang in there.


  6. dont be so hard on yourself its a new year full of possibilities
    you'll get to where u wanna be you have the determination for it

  7. I'm a fat girl with anorexia, too (130 since I let treatment fatten me up). It sucks. And the worst, when people think you're better simply because you're not thin enough to make them jealous. God I hate that. But nice to meet you.


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