I am so sorry to be so off and on on here at the moment but I am at a cross roads.
I feel so broken, I feel so damaged.
I feel that I don't deserve to live.
I failed my anorexia.
I always fail my lovely and faithful followers.
I fail the people I love and I fail my best friend Afro, the one I probably love the most of all.
I need your honest opinions here my lovelies, I am lost and need guidance.
Should I get help?
There have been many a time when I have wanted to and have always considered it but now I don't know if it's just a foolish dream/wish or a lapse in judgement or something that needs to happen.
I could never leave you guys though, I am always brought back and I don't think I will ever leave.
I just need that question answered.
I don't want to feel broken, disgusted, ugly, fat, stupid, putrid, unworthy and terrible anymore.
I want to love myself.
But I have accepted that to never happen.
Is it so hard to just want happiness?
The people that I have 'met' on here are honestly the loveliest and nicest people, why is it always the nice ones who are the most... hurt?
I don't know anymore.
I just don't know.
help.
You will never know how much you are worth until you feel better. It's hard and a daunting prospect to seek recovery. Perhaps feeling like surrendering and weakness. You aren't; you are being stronger than anyone can imagine. Go for recovery. There is always hope. You deserve that hope.
ReplyDeletex
If you are willing to give it everything you have then go for it. You wont regret it. It could possibly be the best thing you ever did.
ReplyDeleteI'll always be here for you. I think that everyone here will be. You're so strong, don't forget it.
xx
It's never a bad time to seek help and to strive for happiness in a healthy way; you deserve it. It needn't even be a huge change either. Baby steps in that direction makes it much less stressful and daunting. At the very least, I think it would help to talk to someone in your life whom you trust about it if you're still unsure.
ReplyDeleteI've only recently started going seeing my therapist again and so far I think there have already been improvements, if not in terms of my ED, but in trying to deal with my depression by getting meds, and speaking to someone about it on a regular basis.
I wish you well on whatever you decide, but just letting you know I fully support you on seeking help. Take care <3
No one deserves to feel this way. If you choose to recover then you are showing that you are stronger than this ED.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you have to lose? Something that's been slowly killing you?
Whatever you choose to do, we'll always love and respect you.
Everyone needs help from others at some point, if not everyday. Thats why we have languages, communication...to hold one another up as we make it through this journey called life together. Its all about community. I know its hard to speak up but if you can find someone you can trust, who you know cares about you, or even try talking to a therapist or counselor (strangers make it easier since you could just forget all about them & might never meet them ever again in ur life if it doesnt work out), whichever case, you really do deserve to be happy & live a life where you can feel content w/o all this madness, and it takes a lot of boldness & strength to speak up but really, thats why its hard & so amazing when a person does:) Whatever you do hun, if its a step toward your own happiness, thats strength:) Stay strong<3
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. I finally asked for help and began therapy a couple of weeks ago. I'm still not sure about it, its still in the beginning stages -assessments and all that- but I can see it getting much harder. Maybe we can do it together? Would be nice to have some more support xxx
ReplyDeleteAll I know is that you deserve to love yourself and not think about yourself in ways that you mentioned, ever.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find yourself lovely.
Si xx
"why is it always the nice ones who are the most... hurt?"
ReplyDelete-because they feel more, they think thrice, and appreciate even more. My darling, you are one of the loveliest, and to be standing beyond all this, you are one of the strongest. Please don't ever feel otherwise. You are beautiful and I'm always here if you need someone.
Love you!
It's okay not to be okay sometimes. there are days when we would feel like we're lost and alone. But dear, you should always remember that there's nothing wrong in asking other people's help when you've had enough. That is why God gave us family and friends so we'll have someone to lean on when life's been too hard.
ReplyDeleteThey say that life isn't about finding yourself, it is about CREATING yourself.
I hope you know that you are strong. You are beautiful. You are loved. And you can be happy if you want to. You just have to believe that you deserve happiness and you owe it to yourself. :)