Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Complications, complications.

Thank you Thin ThrillsChristinacarouselxXzapxfireXxstillimaginingS.Sienna-Rose and haze, thank you so so so so so so so so so much for your comments last post, I would say that you can't understand how much they helped, affected and touched me but then I remembered that if anyone knew how I was feeling most of the time it would be you guys.
I was really unsure how you would all react to me saying I needed professional help; to me it felt like I was chucking my ED away and in your faces, I felt like I wasn't being strong and wasn't just dealing with it without professional help like so many of you do.

Afro ensured that I spoke to the school counsellor on Monday. In the morning I asked him to force me to go to her during lunch because other wise I knew I'd chicken out. There has been many a time when I'd promised myself I'd talk to her but never did. Afro literally walked me to the office, sat with me as I waited and then waited till I was sitting in her office before leaving. Then when I debriefed with him in the afternoon he said that he was proud of me. He also asked me to start filling him in once I start seeing the therapist outside of school. He also said that if the school counsellor doesn't get back to me with the therapists number that he'll take me back to see her next Monday to get it off her.
No words can explain how much I love him. He is the best friend any body could have and honestly, I love him with all my heart. We actually plan on moving to England together in a couple years time.

Anyway, I didn't really want to talk to the school counsellor, even though she's lovely she has let me down before when I needed help most. When my ED first started (without me initially realising) I thought that something was wrong so went to see her. I saw her for a while and then she just stopped scheduling appointments with me. My ED got worse and worse and worse and yet she still didn't make an appointment to see me. I thought it meant that I wasn't important enough or what I was going through wasn't serous enough which made me strive even further to... test and, well, I guess, destroy myself.
When I spoke to her Monday she said that she thought I would come to her when I was ready and she said that because she knows I'm a private person she thought I wouldn't open up to her and that she just wasn't sure whether to schedule appointments with me. Fair enough I guess. She did say that she had noticed when I'd lost tons of weight and so had other teachers. I asked her to try and find a counsellor in the area who specialises in EDs and who could see me for free. It's my last year of school so I don't want to be taking time out of lunch or classes to see the school counsellor and I would rather see someone who I didn't know as anything else (our school counsellor choreographs the school musicals, which i've been actively involved in and she also got me to apply for an acting program last year). my school counsellor also said that once she gives me the number I'll have to make a self refferal because she said that if she did it she'd feel obliged to tell my parents, which I don't want to happen. I like keeping things to myself. I like helping myself. I like being independent. I don't need help from others. I don't want help from others. Ha, yet I plan on getting counselling.
I don't know what I want to achieve from 'counselling' or whatever... I don't really want her to change my eating patterns, I just want her to change the hate that I have for myself sometimes and my... well, to me it sometimes feels like bi-polar behaviour, which i know it isn't. That's just my drama queen coming out.

Lately, I've been feeling like my ED has kind of... left me. Yes, I still restrict and yes I still have all the mental thoughts of an ED but I don't have the physical traits and I am definitely not restricting or exercising as much as I used to, I don't have the drive. As ridiculous as that sounds, it upsets me. It really does and I don't really know why... I want it back completely but it just doesn't seem to want me.

Now, on to different news. Dali. I like him still, I do but I am not the relationship type. I hate them, seriously I do. I don't know why that is either... I have an amazing relationship with my dad and my parents have a good relationship yet I hate intimacy and opening up to people... I'm just fucked up haha. So, today I tried to break up with Dali. I tried. I told him that I still like him but I don't want to go out with anyone and want to focus on my studies and whatnot. I tried to explain to him that he was the relationship type and that I'm not. I told him that he wants more from the relationship than I do but he just didn't seem to get it. He didn't understand. He asked if I just wanted to be' intimate friends'... what does that even mean?? *Sigh*, he said he'd give me space so that I can think about it more and that I need to keep him posted. Man he looked upset. Why is it that boys always like me more than I like them and want more from a relationship than I do? Why is it that every party I go to I have some guy flirting with me? Why is it that every time I talk to a guy that isn't one of my close friends they think they have a chance with me? Haven't any of them heard of being friends?
So.... rant over... but, what do you guys think? Should I break it off with Dali? I am so confused...
Sorry for the extra long post, I wasn't meaning to type so much but really needed to get it off of my chest.
I love you all to bits.

ps. S. That sounds like a marvelous idea.


  1. Sounds like 'intimate friends' is like a fuck buddy,
    Which could mean a few things, one being he just wants the sex, the other being he wants you close so when (if) you change your mind he will be right there.

    I won't lie that I have taken the second approach

    And honey, defiantly know the feeling that you have no drive! It's horrible, maybe it could be a good thing, giving you time to see what is great about you rather then just concentrating on the negatives
    but asking for help is never EVER a weakness, its a lot harder to admit you need help

  2. I agree with Grace, I think "intimate friends" means fuck buddy too. Or friends with benefits. I don't think it's any reflection of what he wants from the relationship. I think it's more that he's confused and that's just how he's interpreted whatever it was that you said to him.

    However, that being said, me giving anyone relationship advice is the definition of the blind leading the blind so I should stop giving you any relationship advice while I'm ahead.

    Also, blogger is doing something really weird and it totally doesn't tell me every time you update your blog. So sorry I've been away!

    I am proud of you for getting help. It's a really intelligent and courageous thing to do. Recognising that you need help is hard enough, actually seeking it is another issue altogether. If you can be rid of an eating disorder and just have it slowly leave your life until you are normal, well, that's great. And I'm happy for you. I think it's best for anyone to not have an ED. I wouldn't wish one upon anyone.

    I'm here for you, no matter what happens. I'm here if you fall back into your ED, I'm here if you ride the road to recovery. I just hope you're happy with whatever happens.

  3. I agree too. Some sort of friends with benefits. Just be careful if that's what you choose. I know how you feel With the whole guys always trying to get with you. It can be frustrating but then it can be a confidence boost too... You would wonder why it stopped if it did.
    Help can be great. Having an ED isn't easy. I hope the counseling helps.

  4. I agree with the above on the meaning of 'intimate friends.' I don't know your friend personally so I can't make any definite judgements, but if your relationship with him is causing you more stress than happiness, I think it's best to make it clear to him that you aren't ready for that. Your number one priority should be concentrating on your own well-being before you can tackle the needs of others.

    I'm really glad you finally went to see your counselor. It takes more strength to ask for help than it does to just let things happen and fester. It's a sign that you are taking control of your life, not your ED, and you should be proud of that regardless of what anyone else says.

    Also, you don't need to have a clear goal for what you want to gain from counseling. Part of the process is trying to understand the reasons for your behaviours and how you can change the harmful ones, so whatever you discuss need not just be about your ED. An ED is only a symptom of a deeper issue (i.e. your feelings). Once you're able to understand them, you'll be better equipped to deal with your ED. It's not easy or fast, but I think you're strong enough to make some progress if you tried.

    Take care <3

  5. Darling I'm sorry I hadn't been commenting; only reading and reading, and wishing you all the best from my little hole I'd dug myself into. I didn't want to share sadness with you, and I was scared if I opened my mouth that the sadness would never end.
    But I'm here now; and I love you, precious.
    You deserve to be happy; and I know it'll take forever to get there, but one day, you will. Piece by piece, you will find yourself in your own skin and see who you are- and not cringe.
    One day it'll happen for all of us.
    Until then, I'm right here beside you, love.

  6. yeah the filled with water feeling can be annoying... but it helps. i can stand sodas really so water is my only option...

  7. my therapist taught me a lot of coping skills & positive thinking/ countering negative thoughts...i never really used the coping skills but as time has gone by unconsciously I've found myself able to have a more positive outlook & try not to beat myself up about anything as gratifying as it is to do so. I always felt like punishing myself/ putting myself down was good, like i was doing something saintlike or something...but thats totally wrong because I ended up driving all the ppl around me who cared for me crazy & u end up hurting not just urself bt others as well somehow. other times as time went by I was able to open up more to my therapist & shared the haunting memories from my past & just my deeper emotions which was quite a release really. Honestly IDK about Dali, "intimate friends" rly doesnt sound like a good idea as he might mean as the other girls mentioned above...friends w/ benefits...i think it would be gud to make it clear that u simply have no intention of being in any "intimate relationship" at all. & dnt worry ur not the only "weird" one. I try 2 stay away from relationships as well. I guess its just a defense mechanism...Thank u so so much for ur lovely comment & much love<3 hope things work out:)

  8. i know what you mean about not knowing what you want out of it. i want to be better but i dont want to change. its so hard. and about oushing yourself further. i feel like ive been doing that. like you want people to stare even though you hate it. like you need to go further even though theres not much further left to go.
    ive been threatened with hospitalisation, which i dont want. yet i havent changed my eating patterns. like i secretly want it. but i dont - do i?

  9. Blogger didn't tell me that you had posted :(
    But I agree with what people have said above me, the 'intimate relationship' just seems to be a nice way to say fuck buddies.

    I hope everything works out though.


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