I am glad that you guys could relate, I mean I hate the fact that you guys could relate to that but it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I hope that makes sense... I know it sounds selfish but I don't mean it to be.
I am also sorry if that post was depressing but there have been so many times when I've wanted to convey how I was feeling about my ED and ED's in general but haven't been able to put it all into words. That time I was able to sit down and somehow had the ability to order all of my thoughts and realise how I was feeling about it all. I have a love hate relationship with my ED and I wanted to portray that. I wanted to write something that we could all identify with. I wanted it in someway to help.
I don't think I said this in that post but you know what? We are strong. We all are. You guys are literally the strongest bunch of people that I have ever met. We will be able to deal with what ever our ED or life in general throws at us.
On a lighter not in my post Help Please. Help. I spoke about my boy troubles with W and G (W shall now be called Dali as it is his favourite artist and G shall be called Military as I love his military style boots. The letters were too obvious...) which have settled down.
Dali and I have been dating for just 5 weeks or so now and you know what? I like it.
You're talking to the girl who has only had one boy friend which lasted 4 months and the girl who has had a couple of 'almost bfs' but has always ended up making out with them then not being interested and breaking their hearts.
Boys have always been more eager to go out with me than I have with them because I've never been that interested. I had been initially and lost interest because I hated relationships. I still do really.
I've had boys from all age groups ask me out, hit on me and flirt with me. Yes, I've liked the attention but I've never wanted to do anything about it.
I've never really seen the point of relationships and don't want someone else worrying about me and don't want to have to open up to them.
Dali has changed these perspectives a bit. I still don't like relationships that much and don't like Dali worrying about me, which he does, he seems to have picked up on my eating issues and one drunken night I think I told him more than I should have and once he saw my 'fat' cuts. He tells me to eat more but he doesn't pressure me into anything and approaches my eating in a way that I don't mind too much. I think he knows that I 'did' have anorexia but I don't think he knows I still do... I don't know.
He bought me a 'vegetarian book for dummies' the other day out of the blue. He really is sweet. Incredibly insane too. WAAAH SHUT ME UP I HATE TALKING ABOUT BOYS.
Anyway, so, I told Military (Dali's brother) that I liked him. The thing is, we had become quite close. One night while Dali and I were at a party Dali decided to just walk home... he lived like a two hour train ride away. When he isn't sober he does weird stuff like that without telling anyone. So, I rang Military wondering where the hell Dali was and we ended up talking on the phone for like an hour. We've spoken on the phone a couple of times since, just talking about random stuff and we're so similar. We both told each other that we like honesty and like it when people tell the person if they like them. So I did. I told him that I had liked him. He said he had guessed and that it was all fine, which was nice. I think I still have feelings for him but I think it's just more of a deep connection because really, we have very similar tastes and he's such a sweetie. So that's all been cleared up. I can never tell with my feelings though. There's a part of me that feels hurt when he likes someone else but also feels extremely happy for him at the same time. What's the matter with you Anafly?! You're going out with his brother!
I went to a live drawing class today as part of this miniature scholarship deal with this college of arts. The woman's body that we were drawing was beautiful. She was skinny but it was a natural skinny, a skinny where her legs were a bit wobbly but her stomach was flat and her hip bones stuck out a lot. A skinny where when she'd sit a certain way her thighs would crease a bit and her boobs hung a bit but were nice. Even though her body was 'flawed' it was beautiful. Why aren't I that happy about my own body? It's not normal to be sitting in a life drawing class and to be comparing her body to yours, being jealous of the hipbones and comparing her to the thinspiration pictures that you view. It just isn't.
Now onto the 60 day challenge...
Day six: Have you ever been overweight or underweight?
I have been severely underweight and of course no one ever thought it as serious enough to hospitalize me.
Day seven: Do your friends and family know you are trying to lose weight?
Yes and no. Dali and my best guy friend Afro (especially Afro) know a bit about my eating stuff but I don't know if they know that I'm trying to lose weight. My parents don't know. They'd kill me if I did. My mum noticed that I'd lost some weight the other day (after being 46 kilos mid-year I put on all this weight, it was gross and then about 3 weeks ago I got serious about losing it). She got angry at me and said that she wanted me to make sure I was eating right as she didn't want to go through what happened last time again. Um, nothing happened last time! Some people voiced concerns and we had a fight about my weight once but that was it.
Day eight: Name 5 things you like about your body (you can do it) and the one body part you’d like to change the most.
This is hard... five things I like:
1. My eyes.
2. My arms.
3. My waist kind of. Not really.
4. My hands.
5. Um... my... Yeah no can't do this.
Change the most:
1. My thighs and my butt as it's too big compared to the rest of my body.
Sorry but my mood really changed by the end of this post. I'm in a bit of a slump now. I feel as if no one really wants me in their life and no one can really be bothered to spend time with me. Apart from random year 8s who talk to me on fb. Actually, now I feel like shit. Sorry.
I love you all so incredibly much and if you managed to read this whole post here is a BIG HUG. I didn't mean it to be long, I was planning on a short one.