It's a Cycle

Thank you so much haze, determined girl, The Secret Me, Anna and B. for your beautiful comments, it's so reassuring to know that I will always be welcomed back with open arms, that I have a place where I know that every part of me is accepted. I love you all.

It's odd how this 'eating thing' starts and grows... To this day it's impossible to explain that jump from 'life not going well' to 'lose weight to no end, that'll fix it' but I'm sure you guys will understand. It's odd the way it tears away from you and then pulls you back in... at least that's what it has done to me. There are theories, sure -- I'm insecure, my life is unstable -- but people are still left standing asking 'why?'

It's a fair question. Why? Why would a well-off, passably pretty, passably talented girl dream and dream of destroying herself in the way that I do? After all, I don't have 'problems'. I'm not disabled, or terminally ill, or physically bullied, or sexually abused, or starving to death in Africa. I'm 'starving' myself in Australia.

I don't know... I enjoy the calorie counting... it calms me. I plan my days eating in the morning or even a day before but of course there are days when a spanner is chucked in the works. Today for example, I planned on eating around 500 calories and burning roughly the same amount but no, I get home and mum had bought me two rolls of sushi and a mini cake... so of course I eat that and my days intake has jumped up to 900... the gym is soon though so I'm alright for now... I can feel the fat hanging off my bones. I just feel oily and, well, fat. I can't wait to work it all off. I can't handle this feeling right now.

I've stopped seeing my psychiatrist which I'm happy about. She was lovely but I couldn't continue seeing her when I knew I wasn't being 100% honest. I thought I was ready for recovery when I went... but I'm not. Which makes me happy...

Things are all about to change... I graduate in a week and a half, followed by a month of exams and then high school is over for me forever. It's incredibly daunting even though I know I should be excited. I also have to go to the beach next week which I'm incredibly anxious about. I'm not ready. My body is not ready. No one wants to see this.

I have a party this Friday that I'm looking forward to, I'm planning on keeping my calories low but my alcohol intake high and I'm going to dance dance dance (burn burn burn). Ha. That sounds a bit messed up. Oh, there's also a guy in my life at the moment. We're not officially going out but... who knows. I guess I'll elaborate more on that later.

I'm sorry if my thoughts are ramshackled and all over the place.
Again, I love you all to bits.
xxxxxxxxx

Sorry seems to be the main word in my vocabulary...

I'm back.
I previously sort of recovered by myself unintentionally and I waited for ana to take me back.
I've relapsed and now back with my lovely companion.
I've missed her and you guys.
There's so much to catch up on!
I hope you guys don't mind having me back.
It's going to take me some time to get back into the swing of things on here, I hope I don't dissapoint.

Today's Intake:
483
Exercise:
493
Net:
-10

I know this may sound bitter and twisted but I'm so glad that I'm back!!!!
Lots and lots and lots and lots of undying love,
Anafly
xxx

Hello Gorgeous Lovelies

This message can only be brief as I am watched like a hawk as I am currently lying in a hospital bed.
My last post to you guys was meant to be my suicide note to you guys, I was drunk at the time so sorry for how bad it was.
Since that message I have attempted suicide a couple of times.
I am the absolute fattest I have ever been and don't know how to get back to being skinny.
I think about you all every day.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I do know this though, I love you all and you guys don't deserve a life like mine.
Please look after yourselves and please please please look after your physical health but even more importantly your mental health.
Hopefully I can fill you guys in soon.

Lots and lots of love
Anafly
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sorry

Sorry.
As hard as it is for me to say and as hard as it is for me to accept I have to say it, I have accepted it.
I don't deserve it.
I don't deserve forgiveness either.
I don't know when to end it but it has to be soon.
I don't want to be a weight on your shoulder anymore Afro but it has to be done.
I love you with all my heart, honestly I do.
This is a farwell message that is so hard to do cos I dunno what to say.
I just love you all
xxxxxxxxxxx

.

Death sounds peaceful sometimes.

Complications, complications.

Thank you Thin Thrills, Christina, carousel, xXzapxfireXx, stillimagining, S., Sienna-Rose and haze, thank you so so so so so so so so so much for your comments last post, I would say that you can't understand how much they helped, affected and touched me but then I remembered that if anyone knew how I was feeling most of the time it would be you guys.
I was really unsure how you would all react to me saying I needed professional help; to me it felt like I was chucking my ED away and in your faces, I felt like I wasn't being strong and wasn't just dealing with it without professional help like so many of you do.

Afro ensured that I spoke to the school counsellor on Monday. In the morning I asked him to force me to go to her during lunch because other wise I knew I'd chicken out. There has been many a time when I'd promised myself I'd talk to her but never did. Afro literally walked me to the office, sat with me as I waited and then waited till I was sitting in her office before leaving. Then when I debriefed with him in the afternoon he said that he was proud of me. He also asked me to start filling him in once I start seeing the therapist outside of school. He also said that if the school counsellor doesn't get back to me with the therapists number that he'll take me back to see her next Monday to get it off her.
No words can explain how much I love him. He is the best friend any body could have and honestly, I love him with all my heart. We actually plan on moving to England together in a couple years time.

Anyway, I didn't really want to talk to the school counsellor, even though she's lovely she has let me down before when I needed help most. When my ED first started (without me initially realising) I thought that something was wrong so went to see her. I saw her for a while and then she just stopped scheduling appointments with me. My ED got worse and worse and worse and yet she still didn't make an appointment to see me. I thought it meant that I wasn't important enough or what I was going through wasn't serous enough which made me strive even further to... test and, well, I guess, destroy myself.
When I spoke to her Monday she said that she thought I would come to her when I was ready and she said that because she knows I'm a private person she thought I wouldn't open up to her and that she just wasn't sure whether to schedule appointments with me. Fair enough I guess. She did say that she had noticed when I'd lost tons of weight and so had other teachers. I asked her to try and find a counsellor in the area who specialises in EDs and who could see me for free. It's my last year of school so I don't want to be taking time out of lunch or classes to see the school counsellor and I would rather see someone who I didn't know as anything else (our school counsellor choreographs the school musicals, which i've been actively involved in and she also got me to apply for an acting program last year). my school counsellor also said that once she gives me the number I'll have to make a self refferal because she said that if she did it she'd feel obliged to tell my parents, which I don't want to happen. I like keeping things to myself. I like helping myself. I like being independent. I don't need help from others. I don't want help from others. Ha, yet I plan on getting counselling.
I don't know what I want to achieve from 'counselling' or whatever... I don't really want her to change my eating patterns, I just want her to change the hate that I have for myself sometimes and my... well, to me it sometimes feels like bi-polar behaviour, which i know it isn't. That's just my drama queen coming out.

Lately, I've been feeling like my ED has kind of... left me. Yes, I still restrict and yes I still have all the mental thoughts of an ED but I don't have the physical traits and I am definitely not restricting or exercising as much as I used to, I don't have the drive. As ridiculous as that sounds, it upsets me. It really does and I don't really know why... I want it back completely but it just doesn't seem to want me.

Now, on to different news. Dali. I like him still, I do but I am not the relationship type. I hate them, seriously I do. I don't know why that is either... I have an amazing relationship with my dad and my parents have a good relationship yet I hate intimacy and opening up to people... I'm just fucked up haha. So, today I tried to break up with Dali. I tried. I told him that I still like him but I don't want to go out with anyone and want to focus on my studies and whatnot. I tried to explain to him that he was the relationship type and that I'm not. I told him that he wants more from the relationship than I do but he just didn't seem to get it. He didn't understand. He asked if I just wanted to be' intimate friends'... what does that even mean?? *Sigh*, he said he'd give me space so that I can think about it more and that I need to keep him posted. Man he looked upset. Why is it that boys always like me more than I like them and want more from a relationship than I do? Why is it that every party I go to I have some guy flirting with me? Why is it that every time I talk to a guy that isn't one of my close friends they think they have a chance with me? Haven't any of them heard of being friends?
So.... rant over... but, what do you guys think? Should I break it off with Dali? I am so confused...
Sorry for the extra long post, I wasn't meaning to type so much but really needed to get it off of my chest.
I love you all to bits.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ps. S. That sounds like a marvelous idea.

Porcelain

I am so sorry to be so off and on on here at the moment but I am at a cross roads.
I feel so broken, I feel so damaged.
I feel that I don't deserve to live.
I failed my anorexia.
I always fail my lovely and faithful followers.
I fail the people I love and I fail my best friend Afro, the one I probably love the most of all.
I need your honest opinions here my lovelies, I am lost and need guidance.
Should I get help?
There have been many a time when I have wanted to and have always considered it but now I don't know if it's just a foolish dream/wish or a lapse in judgement or something that needs to happen.
I could never leave you guys though, I am always brought back and I don't think I will ever leave.
I just need that question answered.
I don't want to feel broken, disgusted, ugly, fat, stupid, putrid, unworthy and terrible anymore.
I want to love myself.
But I have accepted that to never happen.
Is it so hard to just want happiness?
The people that I have 'met' on here are honestly the loveliest and nicest people, why is it always the nice ones who are the most... hurt?
I don't know anymore.
I just don't know.




































help.

Absence

I am sorry for this short absence (three weeks, was it?) but I do have my reasons:

1. Blogger wasn't letting me log in for quite some time, it directed me to a page saying 'FAILURE' which freaked me out a little bit because I thought that meant I wasn't going to be able to post on here ever again haha.
2. Now this is the main reason. I find it hard for me to post on here when I have been a failure. I don't seem to have the control that I once did, I don't have the control that brought me down to the beautiful 46 kilos I once was. I want to post on here all the time, I really do, but I don't deserve it. I am a big fat massive failure who at the moment doesn't have anything positive to say.

I had a break down the other day, my first proper one for a while. I cried and cried over all the weight that I'd put back on (I'm not a crier). I fell to the floor and all. I screamed and shouted at myself and then, in a dream-like state I called the helpline and spoke to someone about it all. About everything I could think of and it helped. It helped to speak to someone but it still doesn't change the fact that I want to tear my hair out and just cut myself up into little pieces. I told Afro nearly everything. I love him and even though he understands he doesn't understand at the same time. How can he if he doesn't know how deep this runs and how bad I am mentally at the moment, it's the worst I've been for ages; heck I only just realised this for myself.

There are days when I want help but there is no one who can help me. I'm not being a massive drama queen, even though I'm good at it, but I have thought about it and there isn't anyone. Unless I wanted professional help but I don't have that kind of money. I don't care though. I've learnt that I have to live with this for the rest of my life and even though at times I hate that, I love it too.

What I loved most about being fully and completely in my anorexia was that I had goals and purpose. Now I'm a fat girl with anorexia trying to claw it's way back out and even though I'm letting it, no weight is being lost and no eating improvements are being made. Now I'm just lost.

I haven't seen any friends or been social or gone anywhere (apart from grocery shopping but that doesn't count) for the last 5-6 days and I don't mind. Wow, since when did I become depressing?

Hm. What a great first post of the year.

I love you all ever so much my darlings

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ps. I read all your previous comments and I love you all to bits. I hope your holiday seasons have been kind.