Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Love Until We Bleed

I logged on this morning and did a double, then a triple take. 33 followers?!!?! Is this for real? Thanks so much everyone who is following me, I can't thank you enough. I know I've said this before but when I first started this blog I thought that I'd be lucky to get 10 followers, and now I've got more than triple that. Also thank you so so much to everyone who comments. Your comments are what push me along and make me try to be the best that I can be.

I haven't posted for a while because I haven't felt like I've had much to say. It turns out that the counsellor left a message with my mum asking her to ring her but because my mum's been so busy she hasn't had the time to. I feel like I've been lulled into a false sense of security.

Hmm, now to delve into my 'love' life. I think I'm weird. About six or so months ago I started going out with my first boyfriend. We went out for four and a bit months and then we mutually broke up but we're still friends. About two weeks after we broke up this guy, D, wrote me a song where some of the lyrics were 'only in my dreams I can kiss you' and stuff like that. He'd talk to me on facebook calling me beautiful but was too shy to talk in person. Then this other guy, A, liked me too and for a bit I liked him and we hooked up at a party he had. So, I had the choice in two guys. Then to make matters more difficult I was told that my best boy friend O (we call each other biffleys) also liked me. This was after being biffleys for three years. Three guys. Great -___- Long story short, in the end D turned out to be a bit of a creep, I lost feelings for A (but I feel like I led him on and two months on I still feel horrible) and then O and I started going out. To this day we've been going out for a month and a couple of days. But the thing is, I don't want a boyfriend. I'm simply not interested. I read your blogs and you guys say that you want boyfriends (if you don't already have them) and you want to be adored by a boy. Is it odd that I don't want to be? Is it odd that I feel at the moment I can't be mentally and physically with a boy? I just simply can not do it. Which leads to a complicated situation with O. I like him, I want to go out with him but just not now. I just can't do it but I don't know why. I read somewhere that Anorexia decreases your labido and that when people get Anorexia they push people away. Again, I don't know if I have Anorexia, but is that true? Baaaah it's just so confusing... Or maybe I just simply am not interested at the moment? Help? Haha.

So, currently I surpsisingly still weigh 47 kilos after such a disgusdtingly food orientated weekend with christas barbeques, birthday parties and farewells at Yum Cha. I'm trying to not concentrate on the past and concentrate on the future. But now I don't know how much I want to weigh, I don't know what my next goal should be. I don't want it to be anything too drastic but I need a weight that I can work towards. Any suggestions? Maybe 45 kilos?


  1. I think you might have anorexia. If your counsellor says so, it may be true. Its harder for different kinds of people to accept that they have it. Its nothing to worry about though, maybe tell O that you care for him but you don't want to push things so soon? I'm sure he'll understand. Your doing great so far and im sure whatever goal you set for yourself, you will reach it :) Good luck

  2. i know what you mean about not really wanting a boyfriend
    i have one
    and dont get me wrong im crazy about him
    but i dont know if i really am ready for a relationship

    46 kilos? how tall are you? damn girl

  3. I'm glad you get the relationship thing.
    *47 Kilos :P
    I'm roughly 172 cm tall... I should probably check out the exact height some time soon

  4. by adored by a boy i mean feeling wanted. to be honest i'm not the boyfriend kinds of girl. but i do like being adored because it means i have someone to go for lonely times for a quick fuck, and someone to take to your auntys wedding, you know?
    shall we start SGD tomorrow? as in 15 dec?
    have you got an email adress missy?

    yes 45 kilos sounds good. and what are you going to do once you reach this goal? start eating healthily again? i feel so terrible for trying to keep you in the poisonous family. i'm selfish, but i want you in this.

  5. Oh love, don't worry too much about boyfriends; it's so wonderful that you're happy to be yourself, by yourself. I know I'd simply crumble away to nothing but dust and fragments of the shattered past, without Tim- he's all I am, he's more than me, and I was terrified of this at first, but I know now that there isn't any other way, for me. At least, not now.
    But you, why you're a complete different person, a complete different soul. You're just as beautiful as you would be with a boyfriend; you are more yourself, take sanctary in that fact, while you can. Losing yourself can be the most terrifying thing.
    Goodness, I'd love to be 47 kilos; you're so light. 45 kilos sounds wonderful too; it's the sound of the numbers that attracts me. Like right now I'm 52kilos, and that's okay, but I'm dreading 51 kilos, because the number simply isn't right.
    Ah, but I'm weird, like that, and I'm rambling on in your comment space ;).
    You deserve these 33 followers love, we all love you to pieces.
    Take care, I've missed you. :)

  6. Noo you are not by any means odd for not wanting a boy adoring you. I've felt that way before but then once I watch a sappy love story movie I'll start wanting someone there...or when I see couples holding hands. Try imagining how you would feel without the boy there anymore, and make sure you still want no one there adoring you. The sangs true: you don't realize what you had til it's gone. I am indecisive as hell though so i constantly flip back and forth ;) haha good luck!

  7. ahh! congrats on the followers. you deserve them sweets.

    I kinda want a man figure in my life, I think because I never had a father figure and never really had the huggy kind of person around me. Soo if I want a bf, its prolly most likely DEFFF because of that.

    what else was I gonna say...OH thanks for all your comments recently!

    Finally, beautiful thinspo, congrats on your maintaining even with calorie bombs, and triple congrats on the counsellor thing. I hope it gets settled down permanantly soon!

  8. I know this post is from a long time ago - but I think some issues don't age ;) I kinda understand, I guess? I mean I really do like HIM, the best friend in my life.. but besides that he doesn't want me and therefore is no option, I also realized when I was with my last/first boyfriend, that I'm not ready yet or now, whatever. I just don't feel like I can *give* much, and I definitely can't share everything I got. Too afraid for that.
    And hiding things just hurts others when they find out eventually.. I hope you still read this and it means something to you.. I know you have many followers now and probably heaps has changed for you, but maybe you remember.. I'm looking forward reading more from your recent life anyways :) LOVE


Flutter Away