Sunday, January 16, 2011

It takes a strong person to hold back their tears but a courageous person not to

First off, thank you Bella and NightFlower for your sweet comments last post. Oh and Nightflower this may sound odd but I'm glad you're back :)

Now to begin my first full on proper post of the year. My trip was amazing. Absolutely amazing, but not so much food wise, I'll get on to that a bit later.

When I was at the Australian airport waiting to fly to Bangkok I bought Portia De Rossi's book to read on the plane and to read in Bangkok. When my mum saw me buying it she said "That's about her battle with anorexia", saying it in a way that sounded like what she really wanted to say was "You shouldn't get it" but I bought it anyway and loved it. It was so raw and so honest and because of that it was beautiful to read. It almost felt like she was talking to me. I even have to admit that it made me tear up because it was a book that I could relate to; the things she said, did and felt. It was an absolutely amazing read, I reccomend it. Originally I was scared that after I read it I would want to 'recover' or 'stop' my 'anorexia' as the book showed how she recovered from it, but I'm glad to say that it didn't. Now, in Thailand my eating wasn't... well, let's just say... impressive. The breakfast was a buffet breakfast so on many of the days I overdid it on black bean buns, noodles, fruit and cream buns (one of my fave foods) but I thought that if I ate a lot then I wouldn't eat lunch. I wasn't ever hungry for lunch because I was so full but only on one of the three days in Bangkok did I manage not to eat lunch because on one of the days I was forced to eat a rare Thai snack thing called Meam Kum (even though I didn't want to eat it it was delicious) then on another day a woman at the bar saw that I wasn't eating anything so peeled a green and red apple for me to eat. My dad forced me to eat half of each to be polite. Then for dinners I always ate in front of my family so had to eat normally. I sometimes even over-ate just so that I could compltey throw off any suspicion. I did a lot of walking in Thailand though so I hope that made up for it all.

Then we went to England to see the family. It was like -5 degrees and there was snow and ice on the ground everywhere. It hasn't snowed in this part of England since my dad was six. I also saw snow fall for the first time I remember; it was so beautiful.

Anyway, I practically ate like a normal person when I was in there. I ate so much that it's actually disgusting. I had food thrown at me everywhere and had to be polite and eat a lot of it as I hadn't seen most of my family for four years. I had a bowl of porridge for breakfast every day and I tried to be healthy when we went out for dinner but everytime my Uncle saw that I wasn't eating something he would offer me something to eat. By offer I mean he would hamd over food and not leave me alone until I ate it. In England the food is really full on fatty. Sometimes I found that I just wouldn't stop eating once I started. I was in eat mode. When dessert was offered I would always have seconds. Eating was also a good way to keep warm. I think I knew once the New Year came around it would be restrict restrict restrict so I was making the most of it. I felt so lost without scales and when I looked in the mirrow I could tell that I was putting on weight and it made me so angry with myself but because I was on holidays and trying to enjoy my overseas trip I didn't have the determination to restrict. Until one day I found scales in my Bamwah's (Grandma's) bathroom. This was a little while after christmas so I knew I'd put on some weight because it was a major eat fest, but I wasn't prepared for what was about to come. I stood on the scales with my boots and winter gear and saw a number that I hadn't in a long long time. 53 kilos. A gain of six. I was mortified and disgusted and yet I still ate, but I was starting to eat less. The New Year's resolutions I made then and there were (and still are):
  • Aim to eat around 400 calories a day but if I eat between 400-500 it is ok and isn't worthy of a complete freak out
  • My diet should be made up of healthy foods that are low in calories, not fake or unhealthy foods just because they are low in calories
  • Top all of my classes
After two weeks in England we then stopped in Bali for a week to get over jet lag and to avoid a 24 hour flight from England to Australia. Bali was my saviour. For breakfast I was eating fruit, lunch and dinner I was eating veggies and I was calorie counting. I was eating more than I would have liked, an average of 600 calories a day, but that was much better than England which I estimate was probably in the thousand mark. There was a day when I was forced to eat an ice cream sundae by my mum and brother who had noticed that I hadn't been eating desserts and only fruit and veg. I felt so disgusting as I ate half of it (my dad ate the other half) and when I walked past the pool I felt like I was doing the walk of shame. They could all tell what I'd just eaten and they too were disgusted by it.

Once the trip was over and I was home I jumped on the scales, expecting 53 kilos. I was so surprised and extactic to read 48.5 kilos! During my time in Bali I had lost most of the weight I had gained from England and my whole overseas weight gain was now only 1.5 kilos!! Of course now I plan on working it all off and to get lower than the 47 kilos I was before.

My eating plan for 2011 is to continue only drinking water and occasionally alcohol at parties only if it fits in my calorie limit, eat fruit, veggies and wholemeal rice cakes with a little bit of light philadelphia cheese. I feel really positive about my eating this year. I feel less attracted to junk food and am finding it easier to stay under 400 calories since my two week binge in England.

I'm finding it a bit weird getting back into the social scene now I'm back, but I guess I've only been here a day and a half. I hope I get used to it soon or I'm going to be depressed. My best friend moved six hours away while I was overseas, another is still on holidays and it seems like some of my friends didn't really miss me. I dunno, I guess I just feel a little bit lonely at the moment. There's almost a part of me that wants to get hospitalised with anorexia so that friends and family notice and do something about the fact I miss them all and the fact that it feels like everyone close to me has moved away.

Oh! I also have something else to say. As I was leaving England and the first couple of days in Bali I was finding it really hard not to burst into tears because I didn't want to say goodbye to my family in England, they're practically my only family and I only get to see them roughly every four years. I love them. I think that one of the reasons I ate so much was because I was so happy and loved being with my family, so I didn't care. This all lead me to create a little sentence that I believe whole-heartedly in: It takes a strong person to hold back their tears but a courageous person not too. I always hold back my tears and ignore them because I'm too scared to cry in front of people. I hate showing my emotions. I only like to show happiness.

Sorry guys that this post is a bit all over the place and I'm sorry if that makes it hard to understand, I'm just still jet-lagged and am really tired. I know I haven't included everything that I've wanted to say so if you have any questions or want to hear more about the actual trip, please let me know.

Love you always,
ps. When I was away I had a nightmare that a lot of you left me and that I only had 17 followers. I'm glad that hasn't happened and I now have 39 followers! Welcome new comers!


  1. Oh, love, I'm so glad you're back, really.
    I love your posts, I love you.
    I also read Portia de Rossi's autobiography these holidays, it was so brilliant. It was scary, and I was terrified that I knew, I understood, what she wrote... But it saved me, in so many ways. I always need something to read.
    Darling if you like, I was considering doing something- posting books to each other, books that we have. Only if you like. Reply on my blog, anyway.
    Your holiday sounds so amazing. I'm so glad you got to see your family; even though of course the pressure around food must have been hard.
    I love reading your words.
    Stick around :)

  2. Hi i am new t your blog and I luv!! I too have read Portia's Book and use to watch Alley McBeal I find it amazing how she managed to accomplished what she did will such little self esteem!!

    I am jealous of your holiday sounds like you had a great time =) I wouldnt worry about what you ate while on holiday but focus now and get back on track =)

  3. Wow that's a lot that's happened...
    I'm glad you enjoyed the book. Your holiday was a lot more eventful than mine! I'm really glad you got to see your family and enjoyed that. :)
    I missed your posts!
    Take care xxx


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