It takes a strong person to hold back their tears but a courageous person not to

First off, thank you Bella and NightFlower for your sweet comments last post. Oh and Nightflower this may sound odd but I'm glad you're back :)

Now to begin my first full on proper post of the year. My trip was amazing. Absolutely amazing, but not so much food wise, I'll get on to that a bit later.

When I was at the Australian airport waiting to fly to Bangkok I bought Portia De Rossi's book to read on the plane and to read in Bangkok. When my mum saw me buying it she said "That's about her battle with anorexia", saying it in a way that sounded like what she really wanted to say was "You shouldn't get it" but I bought it anyway and loved it. It was so raw and so honest and because of that it was beautiful to read. It almost felt like she was talking to me. I even have to admit that it made me tear up because it was a book that I could relate to; the things she said, did and felt. It was an absolutely amazing read, I reccomend it. Originally I was scared that after I read it I would want to 'recover' or 'stop' my 'anorexia' as the book showed how she recovered from it, but I'm glad to say that it didn't. Now, in Thailand my eating wasn't... well, let's just say... impressive. The breakfast was a buffet breakfast so on many of the days I overdid it on black bean buns, noodles, fruit and cream buns (one of my fave foods) but I thought that if I ate a lot then I wouldn't eat lunch. I wasn't ever hungry for lunch because I was so full but only on one of the three days in Bangkok did I manage not to eat lunch because on one of the days I was forced to eat a rare Thai snack thing called Meam Kum (even though I didn't want to eat it it was delicious) then on another day a woman at the bar saw that I wasn't eating anything so peeled a green and red apple for me to eat. My dad forced me to eat half of each to be polite. Then for dinners I always ate in front of my family so had to eat normally. I sometimes even over-ate just so that I could compltey throw off any suspicion. I did a lot of walking in Thailand though so I hope that made up for it all.

Then we went to England to see the family. It was like -5 degrees and there was snow and ice on the ground everywhere. It hasn't snowed in this part of England since my dad was six. I also saw snow fall for the first time I remember; it was so beautiful.

Anyway, I practically ate like a normal person when I was in there. I ate so much that it's actually disgusting. I had food thrown at me everywhere and had to be polite and eat a lot of it as I hadn't seen most of my family for four years. I had a bowl of porridge for breakfast every day and I tried to be healthy when we went out for dinner but everytime my Uncle saw that I wasn't eating something he would offer me something to eat. By offer I mean he would hamd over food and not leave me alone until I ate it. In England the food is really full on fatty. Sometimes I found that I just wouldn't stop eating once I started. I was in eat mode. When dessert was offered I would always have seconds. Eating was also a good way to keep warm. I think I knew once the New Year came around it would be restrict restrict restrict so I was making the most of it. I felt so lost without scales and when I looked in the mirrow I could tell that I was putting on weight and it made me so angry with myself but because I was on holidays and trying to enjoy my overseas trip I didn't have the determination to restrict. Until one day I found scales in my Bamwah's (Grandma's) bathroom. This was a little while after christmas so I knew I'd put on some weight because it was a major eat fest, but I wasn't prepared for what was about to come. I stood on the scales with my boots and winter gear and saw a number that I hadn't in a long long time. 53 kilos. A gain of six. I was mortified and disgusted and yet I still ate, but I was starting to eat less. The New Year's resolutions I made then and there were (and still are):

• Aim to eat around 400 calories a day but if I eat between 400-500 it is ok and isn't worthy of a complete freak out
• My diet should be made up of healthy foods that are low in calories, not fake or unhealthy foods just because they are low in calories
• Top all of my classes

After two weeks in England we then stopped in Bali for a week to get over jet lag and to avoid a 24 hour flight from England to Australia. Bali was my saviour. For breakfast I was eating fruit, lunch and dinner I was eating veggies and I was calorie counting. I was eating more than I would have liked, an average of 600 calories a day, but that was much better than England which I estimate was probably in the thousand mark. There was a day when I was forced to eat an ice cream sundae by my mum and brother who had noticed that I hadn't been eating desserts and only fruit and veg. I felt so disgusting as I ate half of it (my dad ate the other half) and when I walked past the pool I felt like I was doing the walk of shame. They could all tell what I'd just eaten and they too were disgusted by it.

Once the trip was over and I was home I jumped on the scales, expecting 53 kilos. I was so surprised and extactic to read 48.5 kilos! During my time in Bali I had lost most of the weight I had gained from England and my whole overseas weight gain was now only 1.5 kilos!! Of course now I plan on working it all off and to get lower than the 47 kilos I was before.

My eating plan for 2011 is to continue only drinking water and occasionally alcohol at parties only if it fits in my calorie limit, eat fruit, veggies and wholemeal rice cakes with a little bit of light philadelphia cheese. I feel really positive about my eating this year. I feel less attracted to junk food and am finding it easier to stay under 400 calories since my two week binge in England.

I'm finding it a bit weird getting back into the social scene now I'm back, but I guess I've only been here a day and a half. I hope I get used to it soon or I'm going to be depressed. My best friend moved six hours away while I was overseas, another is still on holidays and it seems like some of my friends didn't really miss me. I dunno, I guess I just feel a little bit lonely at the moment. There's almost a part of me that wants to get hospitalised with anorexia so that friends and family notice and do something about the fact I miss them all and the fact that it feels like everyone close to me has moved away.

Oh! I also have something else to say. As I was leaving England and the first couple of days in Bali I was finding it really hard not to burst into tears because I didn't want to say goodbye to my family in England, they're practically my only family and I only get to see them roughly every four years. I love them. I think that one of the reasons I ate so much was because I was so happy and loved being with my family, so I didn't care. This all lead me to create a little sentence that I believe whole-heartedly in: It takes a strong person to hold back their tears but a courageous person not too. I always hold back my tears and ignore them because I'm too scared to cry in front of people. I hate showing my emotions. I only like to show happiness.

Sorry guys that this post is a bit all over the place and I'm sorry if that makes it hard to understand, I'm just still jet-lagged and am really tired. I know I haven't included everything that I've wanted to say so if you have any questions or want to hear more about the actual trip, please let me know.

Love you always,

Anafly

xxx

ps. When I was away I had a nightmare that a lot of you left me and that I only had 17 followers. I'm glad that hasn't happened and I now have 39 followers! Welcome new comers!

If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you dream it, you can become it. Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.

First off, before i answer your questions I was curious as to if you guys have thinspiration playlists? I do. It's only short but it keeps me on track most of the time. Check them out. Also any thinspiration song suggestions?

My playlist is as follows:

Skinny Love - Bon Iver

Skinny Little Bitch - Hole

Anorexia - Gianmarco Leone

Someone I Once Knew - Dead Celebrity Status

Stand in the Rain - Superchick

Bother - Stone Sour

Damaged - Plumb

Imperfect - Stone Sour

She's Falling Apart - Lisa Loeb (my fave out of them all)

Paper Bag - Fiona Apple (listen to the lyrics, they're soooo thinspiring)

Peanut: Good question. It's tricky eating around my mum. I have to eat enough, or make it seem like I do, so that she doesn't pick up on it and order me to eat more but if I go for a second serve of something or on my bad days if I eat a lot of cookies around her a part of me still feels bad about it, I feel like she'll pick on me about it. Then another side of me feels very mischievous when I eat a lot around her and thinks 'If only she knew'. So I guess I have a combination of feelings. Also, thanks so much for the link! I shall watch it now.

Ruby Lovebird: I accidentally deleted the template you liked and now I can't find it :( but I've settled with this one for the moment. Yeah, the fact that that's how I was brought up my mum is also good thing. I guess one of the reasons my mum did that though was because she was living vicariously. I mean, she was very skinny but then once she had kids she never lost the weight so since she couldn't be skinny I guess she wanted me to? I think we should try sgd sometime :) It should be interesting... we've just got to figure out when.

Erin Rose: Aaaw I'm glad they have that affect on you! You seem like such a wonderous person and I enjoy reading your blogs, seeing what you have to say. Trust me, those comments are gonna keep on comin ;) Thank you for you compliment about my attitude, that means a lot. I'm glad you understand being heavier than all your friends when you were younger. I'm also not glad that you had to deal with that when you were younger if you know what I mean. Now to answer the question haha. I'm in fact 16. A question for everyone, do I come across as that age at all? How old did you guys think I was?

Night_Flower: Thank you so much for all the compliments! They are all very lovely, like you. Hmm... my favourite film... That's hard, I don't just have the one. I'll list a few but I can't think of them all now, I'm having a bit of a mind blank. Quite a few of you might not know them so sorry!

Chicago

Philadelphia Story and High Society (High Society was the musical remake)

A Stolen Life

My One and Only

Absolutely all Johnny Depp movies. Especially Cry Baby, Sweeney Todd, Secret Window, Chocolat and Ed Wood. I love him.

The Harry Potter series

Any movie with Cary Grant

uuuum... I can't think of any others for the moment. I'm sure i'll think of more later

Nathaniac: Yeah, it did turn out to be a great encouragement to lose weight, so win for me! Haha. These Christmas holidays are going to be really good! (spiel alert) Most of my family, my father's side, lives in England and we haven't seen most of them for four years. So on the 19th of December we're flying to Bangkok for three days to avoid a 24 hour flight. We'll then fly to England and stay there for two weeks. On Christmas and Boxing Day we'll be having a family chirstmas with tons of food and about nine of us. Within those two weeks we're gonna travel to Belgium for the day because that's where my auntie and younger cousin live. At the end of the two weeks we'll fly to Bali and stay there for one week to relax and unwind. Don't get the wrong idea folks, we're not rich, we're just spending money we don't have. But I need all of your help. I have no idea how I'm going to keep my weight under control when I'm in different countries with magnificent food and great culture. The main problem is that I'll be with my parents and my brother practically 24/7 and I'll be with my extended family on Christmas and Boxing Day. I know there will be food I'll be forced to eat. Any suggestions? I also won't be able to weigh myself at all which will be horibble. I don't want to get back and have put on five kilos!

I love all my beautiful, darling, gorgeous, kind, caring and fabulous butterflies. What would I do without you all?

Love Anafly

xxx

The taste of chocolate will last for a minute but the memories of a perfect body will last a lifetime.

Ok first to reply to your lovely, lovely comments.

Ivy: Even though that toffee muffin sounds delicious (but also disgustingly poisonous) isn't horrible being forced to eat in front of people? We don't have to prove anything to anyone but yet, we do. Can't people just mind their own buisness? I never thought I'd be skinny enough to start worrying about what I wear as to not give anything away, but I guess I'm going to have to start thinking about it.

Night_Flower: It was awkward haha, those kind of situations are horrible. I agree, it was quite harsh of my mother and I didn't think she had the right to say that... but now that I look back at it from her point of view, I guess she's just trying to look out for me? But this isn't something I want her to look out for.

Jennie: Haha yeah I guess that's what mum's are for... even if that's not we want. Thank you :) I welcome these hipbones :P

Peanut: I agree. I find it flattering when people comment on my weight, no ones commented on my weight loss for a while so I don't often find it annoying when they talk about it, I feel reassured. But I do find it extremely annoying when my family talks about it. That's because they're the people I live with and they are the ones who have the biggest chance at stopping what's going on. Yeah I wish they knew I was looking out for myself but obviously I can't tell them anything. Haha yeah here's hoping they'll get used to it soon. Tiny boobs are the stupidest things ever! They make strapless dresses and bikinis look... not right. Yeah we have target here so, the hunt is on for those things! Haha.

Erin Rose: Hmm... did you like the fact that your mum lied about it? Or would you have rathered she told the truth? I am extremely pale too! I used to have quite a lot of colour in my skin but then I went through this 'I want to be pale phase'. I've now decided to get back my colour because I think I was too pale before (health wise). I'm sure you don't look like a whale!

Ruby Lovebird: I've missed you! Haha it feels like you haven't been around for a while, or maybe I'm just crazy. I love that pink bikini too. As soon as I saw the picture I was practically droooooooling. Thank you, I like to see myself as quite a patient person (at times). I adore you more!

Ok, now to get down to what I really wanted to say. Reading Ruby Lovebird's comment on my last post got me thinking. When she said "I bet your mum would prefer a graceful little girl rather than a big lumpy sow" I thought, yes. Yes she would. I have proof. I love my mum, she's been through so much in her life and she really is a terrific person but I know she would rather me a skinny minny. Firstly you need to know that when I was a youngin' I was a very chubby girl and at times I was quite a big one until I lost all of my puppy fat when I was roughly 13? Anyway, I remember when I was in year 4 (I must have been 10?) my parent's, my brother and I were on holidays and had spent the day on the beach. Once we had all piled in the car my mother looked at me straight in the eyes, placed her hand on my leg and said "Once we get back home this whole families going on a diet." I then started crying. I knew what she meant even at that age. She was calling me fat and I didn't like it. My dad gave her a look as if to say "What are you doing?" That's all I remember of that memory.

I remember when I was in year 6 (12) we had gone to England for Christmas to visit my dad's side of the family. We were getting photos taken with my cousin, Auntie and Grandma as a Christmas present for my Grandma. As we were getting ready for the photo of us all my mum said to me "Hold in your stomach when the photos are being taken." I didn't react to that and I did as she asked, but I can't remember how that made me feel. I don't think this was one the same day but I remember when I was in my Grandma's bathroom I saw her scales. Our scales at home were never out so I decided to weigh myself. I was probably 155cm tall and the scales read 53 scales. I knew that a lot of my friends at school weighed roughly 48 kilos. I don't remember how I felt, I think I wasn't too happy with that.

One of my final, and earliest memory, of me and my weight was when I was in year 2 (aged 7 or 8) and my best friend at the time (who was I guess a bit of a bully, she was the one everyone followed) was talking about a girl in the year below saying how fat she was. She then looked at me and said "Don't worry, you're just big boned." I agreed with her, "Yeah, I'm just big boned," I said.

I was too young to really understand what was being said and I don't think I saw why there was a problem with being fat. I don't think she really did either.

Wow, reading back I have to let you know that I was a very happy child. I sometimes cried at the drop of a hat but I was very optimistic and had a sunny disposition. That's the same now, I'm positive and optimistic unless it's to do with my weight. So yeah, I hope that all that information gets you guys to maybe understand me better? Because I don't.

I love all my butterflies,

Anafly

xxx

ps. If you guys want to ask me any questions, any at all, please do and I'll answer next post :)

I know that it wasn't long ago I posted

But I just... I just can't. I don't exactly know what it is I just can't, I just can't. Today I was meant to be in control of what I ate but nooooo I had to eat some of the muffin my parents brought me home and eat lotssssssssss of the lemon tart I made.
I just want to swear my bloody head of but I'm not the one to swear, I sound tacky. I am just so pissed of with myself. I do so well and then I just fail fail fail and keep on failing. I keep feeding the little monsters inside my belly.

Me part 1: I'm hungry
Me part 2: No you're not
part 1: Then what's this feeling inside my belly?
part 2: That's control and strength, hold onto it.
part 1: Ok. I will

~later on~

part 2: You failed. You fed those little clawing monsters

part 1: I know, I'm so sorry. I gave in. I know that if I keep doing this I'll become a big fat pudge

part 2: Tomorrow you're going to eat barely anything

part 1: Yes I know. I agree. I will

~later on~

part 1: You know what, I'm fairly skinny, I mean I'm 171.5 cm tall and weigh around 48-50 kilos

part 2: That's not good enough. Pull your head into gear you need to lose more more more

part 1: You're right. Again. Alright I will

But now it seems no how matter how hard I try I can't seem to lose much more. I hate this. I hate this cycle. FUCK IT! JUST LET ME LOSE THE WEIGHT I WANT! PLEASE STOP ME FROM BINGING! Ok, now I'm handing my body over to you. Just please get me there. I need to. Please.

**I am so sorry for the negativity of this post.

It's so out of character, especially the swearing.

But I desperately needed to vent**

Blabber mouth

Uh I have so much to say but if only I could remember it all. The past week I've been going "Ooooh, I really need to put that on my blog!" but then I never have time to do it. So, please read patiently as I try to remember everything.

First off: Boobs. Yes, boobs. I am sooooo sick of my tiny little ones (they don't really fill a B cup). Does this whole eating situation stop them from growing? Or am I just a late bloomer? Is there anyway to make them grow bigger? Answers to those questions would be greatly appreciated :)

I bought a vegetarian cook book yesterday! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D it has really really good recipes and says what vegetarians should be including in their diet. I've been lustfully flicking through the pages and when I reach the desserts find myself thinking "Oh yuuuuuum, but that's something I can't be eating little miss 400 calories." You see I have now limited my daily intake to 400 calories and I don't want that all to be gone in one little dessert. I've found the 400 calories mark so so. It started off really tricky but because I've been working myself down to this point it's manageable; I'll stay at this point though.

Today I visited a family friends in Hospital (we practically count her and her family as our family). It's an unusual situation why she's in hospital but I won't go into detail. Anyway, this involved eating some 'get well soon' cake to please her 5 year old daughter who made it. It was really nice but next time I'll say no politely as I was a bit anxious about how much that day I'd already consumed.

Tonight I cooked some mini potato pancakes from the recipe book for dinner. They sound fattening but are actually quite healthy and also very filling so you can only fit in like three of them. Tomorrow noght though my mum has asked me to cook a Blue Cheese Taglatelle. Don't get me wrong, it sounds like a delicious pasta but has a fair bit of cream and cheese :/ Let's hope I don't eat too much then.

Oh! Last night I went with my parents and my brother around the corner to our family friends house who we met when I was in kindergarten and was best friends with their daughter. They often have us around and L's mum K makes delicious food. Knoing that there would be dessert and lots of food I limited my days intake and then ate lots of salad, some tofu and caramelised pear for dessert. Don't worry, I only went 6 calories over my 400 limit. Then disaster struck later when I got home *dramatic music* As my days intake had been very little (roughly 100 calories) my body found it hard to digest the nights meal, which resulted in a terribly sore stomach. This ends up as a positive though; a life lesson if you will. It taught me not to consume so much in a sitting after such a day. So now I know never to eat so much again.

Also, some terrific news, I am now 48 kilos!!! I am actually quite chuffed with myself. Let's hope this weekend hasn't ruined that even though on both days I have managed to stay roughly under 400 calories.

Phew, quite a lot to say with not that much time to say it. Thanks for reading it lovelies, I try and comment on your blogs as often as I can.

Love,

Anafly

xxx

ps. My mum saw a psychic today, I didn't have enough time to talk about it tonight but I'll delve into it a little bit in my next post.

Skinny Love

I'm so sorry to brag gorgeous girls but today has been another good day for my eating, I'm thanking a relaxing weekend at home.

Breakfast: an avocado roll,

= 149 calories

Lunch: 3 raw cauliflower flowerets (isn't floweret an awesome word? I just learnt today that that is what the little cauliflower pieces are called) and a mug of rose and french vanilla tea,

= 10 calories

I haven't had dinner yet but am planning on having 1 cup of cauliflower soup which will equal to 93 calories.

This will bring todays calorie intake to 252. Woohoooo :P

I'm not under 49 kilos yet though... I think I'm going to have to keep on going for a little while for that to happen.

Now girlies, I need your help. I've realised that a lot of my meals have carbohydrates as I loooove bread *licks lips* and I don't mind the odd pasta. Any suggestions on vegetarian meals that don't have a lot of carbohydrates?

Good luck with the week, think skinny

Love you all,

Anafly

xxx

*sigh* this is a tricky thing

Looking back and reading my last post I'm proud of how positive and happy I sound but todays post will have a different feel. I'ts not that I'm not in a good mind set, it's just my eating hasn't been a great one for me today.

Breakfast was fine, a small bowl of special K with 2 strawberries chopped up with an itsy bitsy bit of milk.

School was when I went wrong. Normally my control is good at school and I've been ever so impressed with my control lately but we were having a special assembly at school (I won't bore you with details); it was a celebration. I had only brought a piece of toast for lunch but there was a great tenptation at play, my biggest weaknesses... cupcakes and cake and for free. I ditched the toast and had a slither of cake and 4 or 5 cupcakes. It was stupid, foolish and just, well, stupid. I was gutted, but the fact I was going to the gym in the evening for Zumba for an hour then a work out for 40 mins made me enjoy those horrible delights of sheer yumminess.

I had dinner before Zumba which consisted of an avocodo roll so I was pleased with myself.

Then when I got home, there was vegetarian pizza and garlic bread waiting. I know what you're thinking 'Eeeck calories, calories, calories, fat, fat, fat, oil, oil, oil' but I couldnt resist the absolute smallest piece of vegetarian pizza and half a piece of garlic bread before i saw myself in the mirror and stopped.

I have decided that now I'm roughly 49 kilos I'm not that happy. I still have the same fat on my thighs so my new goal is 46 kilos. Is it wrong to want to better myself that tiny bit more? I hope not but either way, I'm still going to try I just have to firstly get to the 48 kilo mark.

Now I shall leave you with apicture from the American site http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com/ that will hopefully deterr you from bad bad food. Can you believe that people eat these things?

Love you forever and always,

Anafly

xxx

Heart-A-Mac and Cheese

"A layer of mac and cheese on the bottome, then chicken, another layer of mac, then beef, sun dried tomatoes, bacon, another layer of mac, and lastly a layer of mac and cheese sprinkled with beef and parmesan cheese spirinkled on top."

She's back

I'm sorry fellow skinny wishers that I seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth the last couple of weeks but they have been fairly busy. There is a lot that needs to be caught up on!

I will start with some good news (yaaay good news!) I hope that you guys will be proud to hear that if I weigh myself in the morning before breakfast I weigh 49 kilos! I'm so happy! It's taken forever but I'm getting closer to my goal of 48 kilos :)

Also some more good news. I have managed for a little while now to eat under 500 calories. I'm not sure whether to go down to 400 or stay where I am because I think that 400 will a little tricky... but I love setting goals for myself.

This time of year for me is birthday time of year. It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago, followed by my mums, two of my cousins, my family friend and two of my friends birthdays so there has been lots and lotssss of temptation. I've been doing pretty well but a lot of the time if I've been at a party or going out for dinner I've eaten waaaaay more than I should have but I've managed to regain control the next day... most of the time. I've also managed to try to steer clear from chocolate; apart from last night as it was halloween and I was fairly drunk. Being drunk isn't alwways a good thing. My best friend started talking to me about my weight and how she thought I had lost quite a bit within the last 6 months. Before I knew it I started blabbering to her about how I wanted to lose weight and blah blah blah... but I didnt tell her about my calorie control, I didn't tell her everything. I did try explaining it to her but she just didn't understand. I can try and fix this problem by acting like I'm fine and never talking about it again with her... I'll try and completely ignore the topic.

Recently I've compiled a thinspiration playlist on my ipod. It's only short but it works really well. It motivates me to excercise and when I'm about to eat junk food or snack when I shouldnt I just think about the playlist or listen to it and it stops me in my tracks. I was wondering if anyone else had a thinspiration playlist? I'll post mine next time, once I find my ipod.

Sorry for the semi-rushed job. There was a lot to say (I think I've forgotten a lot of it) and I wanted to get it done quickly so I could study.

Love you all,

Anafly

xxx

ps. I'll leave you with some pictures of the beautiful Nina Dobrev, my thinspiration